Author's Preface
“Why do you always smile?”
I remembered Runa once asking me that question. At the back of the elementary school building we attended. We were in fifth grade, and it was our turn to take care of the flowers planted outside the back of our classroom.
At first I wondered if Runa was intending to interrogate me, like those other girls in our class who were insecure around me and were trying to isolate me. But I found her mostly curious, looking so innocent with her head tilted and a finger over her mouth.
I walked up close to her, to meet her eyes captivated with wonder. And then I showed her the biggest smile I had worn that day. Then I answered her question with particular confidence… to hide that I was lying.
“So that people think that I’m always happy,” was what I said.
Runa just nodded and smiled at me. She never even doubted a word I said. Instead, she accepted me after that, even when I was hiding who I truly was. And after that, we found ourselves together every day. We walked home together, ate lunch together, and played together. It was the first time I finally knew what it was like to have a friend.
Runa was my first. That was why I was always afraid to have my mask slip in front of her. Even for just a tiny bit.
And yet… I…
“Hina!” My older sister’s voice finally shattered my sleep. I groaned. How could she be this loud every single day? Every single morning she was always so demanding and unreasonable, tearing my door apart instead of knocking. I bet she had been yelling for a while since her voice sounded raspier than usual. She would always find a way to ruin my day. As always.
As my face still desired to sink into my pillow, I used my free hand that wasn’t embracing my little bunny plushie to search for my blanket that I felt around my waist. My plan was simple: hide under the blanket and ignore my sister.
“Hina! You’re going to be late!” The amazon continued her demands. She began to sound more desperate, and I could almost hear my door pleading for her to stop as she banged on it more aggressively.
I wanted to sleep more, but I wasn’t too keen on the idea of being late for school. I had always prided myself on being perceived as punctual, so I decided to get up. Even if I didn’t agree with that decision.
I pulled myself backward, arms on my bed sliding as I moved, knees and feet glued to my mattress so that when I pulled myself up, I looked like I was performing a dogeza. I stayed like that for a few seconds. And when my reluctant eyes finally opened, the first thing they landed on was the clock. It was already a few minutes past seven.
My breath came out soaked with irritation.
I always hated mornings…
And I specifically hated today even more, since it was Monday.
My hands finally cooperated with me and pushed me up.
“I’m already up!” I yelled at my sister. My voice came out like a whisper at first and gradually turned into a shout. My annoyance was already at an all-time high. And my sister? Just. Wouldn’t. Stop. Being. Annoying!
“Good, then hurry and open your door!” my sister replied.
I crawled out of my bed, but I didn’t head straight toward my door yet. Instead, I chose to once again ignore my older sister. I walked toward the mirror standing in the corner of my room.
Then I started to inspect and judge what I looked like.
Disheveled hair, of course. Uneven pajamas where some buttons miraculously unbuttoned themselves while I was sleeping, and along my shoulders, the other side decided to pull itself all the way to the side, revealing my collarbone and my entire shoulder in the process. My eyebrows still carried the irritation from being forcefully woken up, and while they were still half-open, my eyes inspected the rest of my face, finding my mouth twisted into a grimace to fully complement my frown.
I took a lengthy breath, disapproving of the way I looked. I still found my face to be beautiful even with the residue of frustration visible on it. But it wasn’t the standard that I had set for myself.
So I closed my eyes, attempting to change my mood.
And when I opened them… I smiled…
Part of the reason why I always smiled was because I wanted everyone to see me as kind. Someone who was gentle. Someone who was benevolent. And I wouldn’t ruin that image of myself just because of my sister acting uncivilized early in the morning.
“Hina! What are you doing!?” My older sister continued her uncivil behavior.
My smile vanished at the sound of her voice, but since I was still at home, I supposed it was fine not to maintain it yet. I would just have to delay it until later instead. Otherwise, I would end up exhausted faster than I intended to be.
“What do you want!?” I was getting tired of listening to my door being abused, so I had to ask.
“Let me in! Let me borrow your lipstick. I forgot to buy one yesterday and I don’t want to go to work without one,” my sister pleaded.
“How is that supposed to be my problem?” I responded, not feeling generous today.
“What the heck!? I am the one who always gives you your allowance. You bought that lipstick with the money I gave you. So technically, that lipstick is mine.”
I rolled my eyes. Yes, technically she was right. But…
“It’s your fault for going out drinking instead and forgetting to buy one,” I pointed out. “It’s not my fault that you decided to get drunk, then come home and complain to me about your ex while vomiting all over the place.”
She went quiet for a moment. So I tried to take advantage of it.
“Who do you think always cleans up all the mess that you leave around the house?” I continued, every word intended to prove a point. “You don’t clean, you don’t cook, and you don’t even properly make your bed when you get up in the morning. I always do the housework, and you do nothing.”
“Ugh…” she muttered behind the door.
And I smirked, knowing I had won the argument she had initiated.
“Listen…” My sister’s voice began to sound menacing. “If you don’t want any problems this morning, then open your door.”
“What if I don’t?” I frowned, wanting to accept her challenge.
“I won’t give you your allowance for this month…” she answered.
My breath came out heavy. While I didn’t want my sister to think she had won the argument, I didn’t want to test her patience once she decided to threaten me. I walked toward the door, my feet dragging with each step. And as soon as I opened the door, I looked away.
“Good.” My older sister smiled, rubbing her supposed ‘victory’ in my face.
I looked at her. Dressed formally for work, a tight suit revealing the shape of her figure, paired with a skirt as tight as her suit that reached a few centimeters above her knees.
I raised an eyebrow. She definitely chose to dress like this in hopes of seducing someone at work. Maybe she already had her eyes on a specific co-worker, but if I remembered correctly, she mentioned that office romance wasn’t allowed at the company she worked for. I shook my head slightly, showing my disapproval.
Her face was already covered in makeup: lightly blushed cheeks with a modest amount of foundation, eyelashes extended by a few millimeters, with eyeliner drawn beneath her eyes. Although her eyes still looked a little swollen from all the crying she had done last night, she still did a great job trying to hide it with some eyeshadow, using maroon to mask the redness.
“Nanami, my allowance,” I demanded. But she walked past me to go through my drawer instead.
“It’s on the dining table,” Nanami answered. “Beside your breakfast.”
“You cooked?” I replied, thinking that maybe she had finally done something nice for once.
“No, I reheated the leftovers from last night.”
I shook my head. I should have known better than to get my hopes up, only to be met with disappointment.
When Nanami reached my drawer, she automatically opened the second one. I had always told her my makeup was in the first one, but it was as if she already knew that I was hiding a new set of lipsticks inside my second drawer.
“Wait!” I tried to protest, but I knew it was already in vain. “How did you know where to find the new one?”
“I used it yesterday,” she answered. “I sneaked into your room while you were out buying groceries.”
I closed my eyes in frustration. How many times now had I reminded her not to sneak into my room? Yet she would still do it. I always locked my room whenever I went out, and this just showed me that she was still hiding a duplicate key to use whenever I was away. I had already collected five of them from her, and I should have expected that she was hiding a sixth one.
If only this apartment didn’t forbid changing the locks on each room, I would have done it already.
I reached a hand toward her and opened my palm. She had already twisted my new lipstick open, looking at herself in the mirror while applying it very generously to her lips, which made my eye twitch a little, causing me more irritation.
“Give me the key,” I said, trying to be calm.
“No,” Nanami replied after she placed my lipstick back where she had taken it from.
“I want my privacy back,” I scowled at her. “Give me the key!”
But as if Nanami wasn’t able to hear me, she focused on the watch strapped around her wrist instead.
“Oh no, I’m going to be late,” she said in a slightly monotonous tone.
I blocked the only exit she had from my room and—
Nanami showed her ‘amazon’ strength by pushing me aside. She giggled and I saw a smirk form on her face. I didn’t fall down, but the suddenness of it all made me stagger for a moment. Then I realized the hallway toward the apartment door was just a few steps from my room. I peeked out and saw her already putting on her shoes by the entrance.
She winked at me.
“Bye-bie,” Nanami taunted and opened the apartment door.
“Nanami!” I shouted and started darting toward her. But she was too quick to get outside, and she even left the door wide open.
When I managed to get outside the apartment, Nanami was already running down the stairs. No, actually she was jumping down, skipping a few steps. I just found myself palming my face.
Nanami had always been so reckless. And it was proven by how she was mindlessly maneuvering down the stairs like that. Wearing heels. Worst of all? We were on the top floor. She was risking injury down all six floors below, just so she could get away from me.
I sighed.
She had better not call me later to complain about how her feet were killing her.
But then, another realization hit me. I was outside the apartment looking like a mess. I looked around; thankfully, no one was there. It would kill me if someone saw me looking like a slob. People in this apartment knew me as someone who had it all together, in contrast to my sister’s image of destruction.
I panicked for a bit and quickly went back inside. Even knowing that no one was around, the thought of a single eyeball managing to gaze upon me in my current state would be something that would bother me for the rest of my life.
When I finally closed the door behind me, relief only lasted for a second.
Since…
What came next would be the most crucial part of my day.
Fix myself, and go out into the world with a smile.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I arrived at school just in time. Just like usual, I perfectly timed my entrance at the school gate for when most of the students arrived as well. Yui and Runa were walking ahead of me, talking about what had happened to Runa yesterday.
I fought to keep my lips from twitching so I could maintain my smile.
All of that effort to push Runa toward Takeda, and Takeda would just end up walking away on his own. I even risked looking suspicious in front of her. But at what cost?
“Useless,” I mumbled under my breath.
“Huh?” Someone walking behind me muttered.
I flinched for a fraction of a second before turning around to find Takeda staring at me.
“Did you say something, Asakura-san?” he asked.
And I answered his question with a smile.
Part of the reason why I smiled was to appear innocent. To show my grace to others. To alleviate any doubts so no one would think I could do anything malicious or sinful. So that all would view me as an angel, capable only of good.
Takeda looked up and thought for a moment.
“Must be the wind then,” he said.
If I could have right then, I would have palmed my face. There was no way anyone would think that.
“Excuse me,” Takeda said, transforming his confusion into his usual ignorant smile. “I’ll go on ahead first.”
Takeda prepared himself to run toward the school building, but after just two steps, he stopped. And then he froze and stiffly turned the other way when he saw Runa walking with Yui ahead.
“Maybe I should just go this way,” he laughed awkwardly and ran toward the gym.
I sighed.
What an idiot. The way he acted only reinforced my regret of using him to distract Runa from Rei. Now I would need to find another way.
After watching Takeda almost trip from running in a panic, I felt the stares of the people around turn toward me.
I straightened my back to present myself more elegantly as I walked. Chin up, while I carefully calculated every step I took to look more refined. I held the handle of my bag with both hands in front of my long skirt, just below my knees, so all these eyes would witness my purity. And anyone who might want to defile this innocent rose walking before them would be met with judgment from everyone else.
Behold, my peasants, as your angel descends upon this school. Shower me with all your attention and affection. But you can only watch, for none of you are allowed to touch.
I giggled and continued my way inside the school, listening to the murmurs of astonishment and reverence that each student I passed by whispered among themselves.
And so I smiled even more.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homeroom was canceled because of the upcoming event this week: the school ball tournament. It was only canceled for our class and Class 2-C, because we were scheduled to use the gym and the field for practice. We would only get an hour and a half to practice before other classes took over.
But I wasn’t participating in the practice at the moment. The student council had called for every class representative to show up for a meeting in their office. Something about an unresolved problem we hadn’t been able to find a solution for last time.
I liked the idea of this event, which was to let students have fun while staying competitive, taking their minds off the grueling lectures and classes that we had daily. But I found it odd that the student council decided to time it two weeks before this term's final exams. I knew everyone present in this forced committee meeting was wondering about it, but no one dared to ask the question.
Hmm…
I wonder if I should…
“So with that, it’s decided then,” the student council president, Anegasaki Chisato-senpai, tried to conclude without any further discussion.
I raised my hand to protest. In the first place, the reason why this problem wasn’t resolved last time was because of me. Because I found Anegasaki-senpai's logic to be flawed and troublesome.
“No, I already decided that we’re going for a round-robin format for the tournament,” Anegasaki-senpai responded, anticipating what I was going to say.
“Isn’t that a little problematic?” I insisted anyway. “If we’re going with what you suggested, the event will extend until next week.”
“But wouldn’t it be fun?” Anegasaki replied, trying to act enthusiastic. “More games for students to play.”
“But less time for students to study,” I countered. “You’re supposed to be the student council president, but you’re not even considering the fact that finals are just around the corner.”
I heard murmurs around me agreeing with what I said, but no one seemed too keen to vocalize what they actually thought.
“A bracket format would be much better,” I continued. “Students will have enough games to play, but we’ll still end up with spare time to study.”
“I already said that’s not going to work,” Anegasaki-senpai insisted. She placed her hands on her hips and raised an eyebrow at me. “Were you not listening? There are six classes per grade; that’s eighteen. If we go with your suggestion, the brackets will be unbalanced.”
I stepped forward to meet Anegasaki-senpai’s gaze, which was getting sharper with every second that passed by. But I showed her that I wasn’t planning to be intimidated, not when I stood right in front of her, with only a few steps between us.
“We could solve it by having one class on standby instead,” I said confidently.
“So you’ll have one class take an extra match instead?” Anegasaki-senpai frowned. “Wouldn’t that be unfair?”
“But wouldn’t that be more fun for that class?” I crossed my arms before her. “As per your logic: more games, more fun.”
“That’s not what I—”
“We just don’t have time,” I cut off the nonsense reply that I knew Anegasaki-senpai was going to make. “Unfair or not, we’re still students. Grades are what’s more important to us.”
“But—”
“And besides, if you had only scheduled this event in June instead of July, then your suggested round-robin format would have worked,” I continued, basking in the joy of my inevitable victory. “Instead, you scheduled it two weeks before our final exams. Excuse me if you find this rude, but how do you think your suggested format would work under those conditions?”
All Anegasaki-senpai could do was lower her head in defeat.
And every representative present at that time erupted in unison.
“She’s right!” one of them yelled, while others nodded in agreement with me. Murmurs that were growing louder questioned the motives of the student council president.
And I…
I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t. I had to maintain my composure instead. I had to fight the urge. And I was finding it quite difficult.
So I turned around to exit the student council office.
“If you’ll excuse me,” I said. “I still have practice to participate in.”
Before I could take a step forward, I heard Anegasaki-senpai mumbling something behind me. And each time she repeated it, she spoke louder.
Until.
“Go ahead, run away, you bitch!” Anegasaki-senpai roared. “You think you’re smart? But you’re nothing but a pathetic loser who always tries to hide behind your smile!”
As if anyone would believe that. I took a step forward instead, ignoring whatever insults she threw at me. At the end of the day, I would always be seen more favorably compared to how miserably she was acting right now.
“You’re a liar! A fraud!” Anegasaki-senpai continued to bark. “Go, join your stupid friends. Your dumb friends who are a bunch of—”
I turned around, my eyes ready to stab her if she even dared to finish what she wanted to say. And that was enough to make her freeze.
How dare she try to insult my friends.
How dare she…
It took a little longer to compose myself, but after silencing this hag before me… I smiled.
Part of the reason why I smiled was to present myself as calm. So that whenever someone did something wrong to me, everyone around would think that I was composed and wasn’t prone to getting emotional. And in turn, that would create the idea that I was in the right.
“I know what you’re trying to do,” I said, keeping my voice as calm as I could. “It’s because of your boyfriend, right?”
“Huh?” Anegasaki-senpai’s eyes widened. “W-what are you talking about!?”
Everyone around started whispering again, as if they had just heard something no one knew about.
“Oh, so you’re keeping it a secret?” I continued. “I’m sorry, but I know for certain that you’re going out with Miyamura-senpai.”
Then the whispers grew louder. Murmurs turned into gossip. And Anegasaki-senpai began to desperately deny what I said.
Because if it was true…
“I heard Miyamura-senpai is smart and also a part of the basketball club,” I asserted my reasoning. “And I heard that Takeda-kun from my class took away his starting position ever since he joined.”
“Th-that’s—”
“And so you orchestrated this event as close to the exams as possible so that Takeda-kun would fail,” I said, walking closer toward Anegasaki-senpai. “And if they manage to qualify for the national tournament and Takeda-kun fails, he won’t be able to participate, since you know…”
I paused, standing before her. As Anegasaki-senpai lowered her head the closer I got, my eyes looked down upon her.
“If Takeda-kun fails, he’ll be taking supplemental lessons during summer. And if that is the case, your boyfriend will take his spot instead,” I hammered every word down into this hag’s tiny brain.
And she went silent. Her eyes were still wide open, but with a subtle tremble in her pupils. I leaned closer and whispered:
“Dare insult my friends again and see what happens next.”
Every student around cheered, calling my name and clapping at my brilliance.
At this point, I knew that the hag already realized her defeat. And even without me here, she wouldn’t insist on forcing her stupid format on all of us.
And so I decided to leave.
But before that, I graced the peasants before me with one last glance of my smile.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“How dare she!” I yelled. I decided to take a detour behind the school gym first before joining the others for practice.
I couldn’t contain my irritation.
“That hag! What does she even know about my friends? She’s nothing but a has-been together with her has-been boyfriend!” I continued.
My eyes were fierce with anger. My foot echoed my words, kicking the gym wall with the sole of my shoe. I had my hands clenched tight into fists. And if I could have earlier, I would have used them to hurt that hag rather than just expose her.
I continued to kick the wall. I continued to hurl more insults at Anegasaki-senpai.
But I failed to notice that someone had appeared and seen me.
“Asakura-san?” I turned my face toward the voice. It was Takeda. “What are you doing?”
My eyes opened wide. Already, my clenched hands loosened and began to tremble instead.
“I—” I choked. “I—” and choked once more.
I thought the back of the school gym was safe. No one was supposed to come here. No one was supposed to see me.
Then internally, I started panicking.
Did he hear me? If he had not, I could still come up with an excuse that I was trying to stomp a bug on the wall… But that would be stupid. Who would believe that excuse? Oh, but it's Takeda who saw me; I’m sure he will just accept it like he did this morning…
Right. At the end of the day, no one would be able to imagine someone like me acting violently like this. I could try to convince him that this was all just an illusion… right… this was all just—
“You’ve been kicking that poor wall for quite a while now,” Takeda said. “What got you irritated this time?”
Huh?
What did he mean by that?
This time?
Don’t tell me!? A realization struck inside my thoughts. And fear started to accumulate inside me. Fear that I had been seen. Fear of the possibility that someone already knew. Fear that someone else, other than this guy before me, had discovered this side of me.
And yet… as terrified as I felt at that moment, I turned toward Takeda…
And so I smiled…