Author's Preface
Sunday. Noon.
That was really embarrassing.
So embarrassing that I couldn’t even process what happened after. I was so sure that I saw Rei. But when the man I thought was him turned around, it turned out to be someone else. A middle-aged man with a beard, a face and eyes that carried the years of weight of his life. I felt shock, disappointment, and pity within myself that I only stared at him after. I just stared while the visible confusion from his expression transformed into horror.
The woman walking beside him whom I hadn't noticed at first began to interrogate him, and chaos followed. I started feeling like I was in a dream.
…I wished it was just all a dream.
When Takeda caught up to me, he was the one apologizing for my stupidity. I just stood there; completely frozen.
Was this some kind of punishment for me? I thought about it. And the more the question lingered in my mind, the more my thoughts leaned toward that... It was.
It took a while, but I was able to finally compose myself. I joined Takeda to apologize, bowing in front of the couple for causing a misunderstanding. I didn’t explain further why I did what I did, even with my eyes soaked in tears, even with my hands gripping his shirt. But thankfully they didn’t press me to explain. They only sighed and told me to be careful next time. And that was where it all ended. Everybody moved on after…
Or… they all did…
I didn’t…
For the whole time while watching the movie:
I couldn’t think.
I couldn’t feel.
I couldn’t even properly respond to Takeda whenever he talked to me.
And even now. Even right now. My head chose to lower itself toward the ground while I was thinking that hopefully this day would end soon. And the sky agreed with me with how its usual blue was now covered by clouds tinted in grey.
I thought Rei finally came back to me…
I was wrong…
I bit my lip so as to not let a single tear escape my eyes. Not yet. Not now.
“What do you think of the movie, Miyase-san?” Takeda, who was still insisting on matching how I walked, asked me.
“Mm.” Was all I could think to say.
“Did you enjoy it?”
“Mm.”
…
“Sorry if it was boring.”
“Mm.”
Takeda stopped talking for a moment. All I could hear after was the sound of our footsteps being drowned in silence. Slow, reluctant, and they almost made me start to do something that I thought I wouldn’t be able to do for the rest of the day: feel. Sadness, disheartenment, and a little sting from my heart that I thought was beginning to fall apart.
I just wanted to go home…
…Please just let me go home.
“The sky sure turned dark now, huh,” Takeda muttered beside me.
But after a few steps ahead, I noticed he wasn’t beside me anymore. So I turned around and finally pulled my head up to look at him. And he just stood there staring upward toward the sky. His hands opened as if they were catching rain even though it had not fallen yet.
I finally noticed where we were. Close to the station. Close to where I waited for him this morning. I thought we were heading to a restaurant he had reserved for us for lunch. So I wondered, and I tried to open my mouth to ask.
“Rain might come any minute now,” Takeda continued. He stopped looking up and turned his stare slowly toward me. A faint smile was drawn on his face. Melancholic, so that his usual sharp, intimidating eyes turned soft and gentle; careful not to break the fragile me who was standing before him any further. “Let’s just go home,” he said.
“But—”
“Miyase-san,” Takeda interrupted me and started taking his time to walk toward me. “I’ve always liked you,” he said when he finally reached me. “And I found myself liking you more, every time we spent time together.”
“Huh… I—” I stopped myself from stuttering, and my eyes widened from the suddenness of his confession. What should I say?
I mean, I did know what to answer. But I thought he wanted to wait at least until next week. So…
“Why?” I managed to ask, staring carefully into his eyes filled with sincerity.
And all he did was smile further.
“I just, well… I thought I didn’t want to have you force yourself for me anymore,” he answered.
I remained silent.
“Ah,” he continued. “I’m not saying that you did anything wrong.”
Takeda scratched his head and smiled awkwardly.
“Well, to be honest, I knew from the beginning that you were not up to it,” Takeda explained. “I just took advantage of the fact that Asakura-san was trying to force you to accept all my whims, haha.”
He laughed. I suppose it was because he felt embarrassed admitting what he did.
“I don’t think you did anything wrong, either,” I said.
“Yeah, well…” Takeda faced me but turned his gaze away. “I just thought that maybe if I could somehow turn you to see me, that maybe you’ll start liking me.” He let out a sigh and turned his gaze up. “In the end though, I couldn’t even make you glance my way.”
I lowered my head. He did. He actually did… but… it was just far too late and far too little. And it only happened for just one afternoon… It was when I was longing for someone else. When I thought it was beginning to become hopeless. When I felt that maybe this person wouldn’t come back anymore. And so I looked his way… for just a glance. And I was wrong… I shouldn’t have…
“Because I knew you already had your eyes set on someone else,” Takeda continued.
My head raised to look at him in surprise.
“You knew?” I asked.
“I do,” he answered, looking at my face painted with guilt. But there was no judgment in his eyes. Only regret. “That time I saw you talk with that transfer student, I kind of felt like I already lost there,” he said. “At that point I knew I made a mistake. Because I was so set on convincing myself that just watching you from the side was enough.”
“I—”
“But maybe if I made a move earlier instead,” Takeda continued. “Right before you took a liking to him, maybe everything would be different.”
“I’m sorry,” finally I managed to say.
“No, please don’t apologize.” But Takeda denied my apology. Instead, he bowed to me. “Thank you,” he said. “Thank you for giving me a chance.”
“Takeda-kun…”
“You don’t need to give me your answer, Miyase-san.” Takeda stood straight. “'Cause I already know,” he smiled. “But I’m glad that you at least played along.”
“I wasn’t playing, I was just…”
“Of course,” Takeda responded. “I understand. I knew you tried not to hurt me.” He turned around, facing toward the station. “But good luck with that transfer student; he’s weird and all, and at first I thought he was dangerous…”
“He’s not,” I complained at his assumption of Rei, frowning. But I gasped as soon as I realized what I was doing.
“I know, Mika-san already told me.” He turned his face around to look at me. “You really do like him a lot, huh?” Takeda smiled.
“I—well—” I turned away from his gaze. I knew my cheeks had already coated themselves in red since I felt the warm blush on my face. “...Yeah,” I whispered, but loud enough for him to hear.
“Well then, I’ll go on ahead first,” Takeda said while he prepared himself to run. “Oh, and don’t tell Mika-san, but I’ll be rooting for you instead.”
“Takeda-kun!” I yelled. I didn’t intend to call his name, but I felt the need to. Yet when he turned around for the last time, I saw some hope lighten his face. And it hurts. Because I knew what I needed to say wasn’t what he thought I would. “I’m sorry,” I muttered. “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” Then I raised my voice so he could hear.
I thought he would frown or get angry at me, because I knew that wasn’t what he was expecting. But instead, he smiled; the biggest smile that I had ever seen from him.
“Is that so?” Takeda casually said. “But I was already prepared, you know.”
And then he went.
Running away with his back turned toward me. But I briefly saw his forearm reach up and wipe something off his face.
And I was left there standing on my own. What should I do now?
I felt guilty about Takeda. He was trying to hide it, but when he was talking with me, I could see pain in his expressions. Even when he would try to hide it, there were times when he would slip into it. This was never my intention. I never wanted to hurt him. I wish I could turn back time and assert myself to never agree to all of this from the beginning. It would have probably been better that way if I had ended this before it began. Because the longer I let all of this go on, the harder it was for me to bear the guilt of inevitability.
But maybe if I made a move earlier instead. Right before you took a liking to him, maybe everything would be different.
I thought about what he said.
And I started to wonder…
If maybe he was right…
But…
It was something that never happened. Because right now… I knew who my heart belonged to…
“I’m sorry, Takeda-kun,” I muttered to myself one last time…
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday. Afternoon.
Every step that I took felt like lead scratching the surface of the concrete road, soaking wet by the rain that had finally poured itself heavily on me. So heavily that I felt like each drop wanted to pierce through my umbrella as punishment for what I did, while the rain clouds accused me of a sin that I did not intend to commit.
I just wanted to go home. To sink myself on my bed, letting the weight of all these burdens crush me, squeezing out the tears to pour from my eyes that the rain claimed before I could.
I sighed.
Deeply and painfully.
My face was lowered the entire walk home, but when I finally took the last turn toward my house, I found a silhouette standing before it. Someone I should know. Someone I should be familiar with. He was staring at my house, not moving under his umbrella, which covered his face slightly.
I shook my head.
I was not going to fall for my own delusional thoughts. What happened this morning was too painful already. I wouldn’t want to feel another disappointment if I was wrong.
This was just all an illusion. It was all just a dream.
But I kept on walking. Yet the image of that man did not fade.
I closed my eyes. Hoping maybe if I opened them after, that image would be gone…
…
It didn’t… My steps became faster, but I was still trying not to hope.
He was still there…
And a few minutes later, I reached him.
He turned toward me and raised his umbrella.
Sharp, unbothered eyes, messy hair, expressions that you could not read. Those dark remnants of insufficient sleep under his eyes, and his gaze that always would turn me into butter melting from their heat.
I reached my hand toward him, but I stopped. This wasn’t real after all. It was all just a dream.
“Runa-san?” he spoke.
I lowered my head. I closed my eyes. And I bit my lip.
“Are you real?” I asked.
…
“I think so,” he answered so nonchalantly that I found it funny that he never even considered my question to be weird.
And it was actually weird that he answered as if he wasn’t sure.
He’s real…
Right before me was Rei…
My eyes hesitated to open. But I did anyway. Slowly and carefully while my hand continued to reach for his face. I had to tip my toe to reach his cheek. And I touched them gently at first. And then I pinched it, enough to hurt a little, but not enough to seriously cause pain.
“Ow,” he calmly and flatly said.
“Where did you go!?” I frowned. But I let go of my hand immediately. I tried to hide my elation inside, forcing my voice to sound annoyed. But I smiled… widely.
But all that smile faded when I noticed a rare change in his expression for a moment before he turned to his usual unbothered look. He dropped his eyes and looked… sad…
I was worried, so I asked, “Did something happen?”
“I went to my mother’s funeral,” he answered.
“Oh,” was all I knew how to respond at that moment.
To a funeral? His mother’s? I…
“I’m sorry,” I said.
My hands trembled to the realization of my own cluelessness. The first thing I did was to pinch him. I didn’t even consider asking him first. Why was I always this reckless? Why was I always acting before thinking? Why?
I tried to reach toward his cheeks. But my hands clenched themselves and returned to my side. Like what would it actually accomplish? Nothing. A simple stroke on his cheek wouldn’t take away the fact that I found it justified to release my annoyance rather than talk with him first.
“You don’t need to say sorry,” he said. “I didn’t come here to discuss that.”
“Why?”
“Right, the reason I came here was to explain myself. I did leave without clarifying why,” he continued. “If you would give me a moment to elaborate.”
I stared at him for a moment to gather my thoughts. But then I nodded.
“Okay,” I turned toward my house to try to invite him in. “Let’s talk inside.”
“I’d rather not do that,” he replied.
I pouted that he rejected my invitation. Why was he so against coming to my house?
But…
I shouldn’t let my frustration dictate me. When I did, he left. Even when it wasn’t the reason why… I still felt that he would if I become unreasonable again.
I had to listen…
“Why?” I asked, erasing the pout from my face.
“Remember the first time I came here?” he asked cautiously. “I’m kind of afraid of your Mom.”
“Huh?” I started to think about it…
And then it all made sense…
The first time he came over, Mom slapped him and pushed him down. That would leave a pretty bad impression. Of course he would be scared of her.
And I…
I never even considered that… And I was there… thinking that he was refusing me because of unrelated things…
“I should’ve explained that before,” he said. “And I apologize that I didn’t.”
“I—” I bit my lip. I couldn’t handle this disappointment building inside toward myself. I was too self-centered. Too absorbed with all my jealousy. Maybe if I had listened to him before... “I’m sorry,” I said. Apologizing was something that wouldn’t erase what happened. And I knew it wasn’t enough. Not with Rei, not after what he went through.
“Runa-san,” he called my name, but I held my face, looking at the ground.
I felt my lips tremble and my eyes welling with tears. “I’m sorry,” I answered, wiping the tears away.
“Runa-san, it’s not your fault,” Rei continued to assure me. But it only made me feel worthless.
“I’m sorry, Rei-kun,” I started to sob. “I—sob—I should’ve—sob listened—”
But then he moved closer to me without me noticing. I just suddenly felt his hand touch my chin and carefully raise my face toward him. His eyes were filled with gentleness. Gentleness that I knew I didn’t deserve. I tried to look away and I managed. And so he let go of his hand because of it.
“Runa-san, I might not have understood what was going on that time,” he said. “But I knew I did something wrong.”
He placed a hand over my head. And I knew what he was trying to do. I touched it with both hands, pressed it as I yearned for his warmth. And when I did, my umbrella fell to the ground. But I wasn’t worrying about getting rained on. I just needed this comfort. From the boy I had been longing for. That even when I showed him my despicable self, he was still here before me, acting like it was all his fault. Even though I was the one who pushed him away. Without even giving him a chance.
“Careful,” he said as he pulled me into his umbrella. His arm wrapped behind me and my body pressed to him.
I blushed… The fluster overwhelmed all the tears from my eyes. The butterflies overwrote everything in my mind.
“I didn’t intend to leave without explaining anything,” he said. “I heard everything that you said that time and when I was away, I tried to find the answers. So when I returned I could tell you all clearly what I thought.”
I didn’t move…
“But after our call that night, my father called me. And I had to rush over so fast that I even forgot my phone back at the apartment.” Rei continued. “I arrived this morning to find your messages, and so I decided to come here to talk to you personally instead of through the phone.”
I felt his arm loosen behind me, but I did not pull myself back. After all, this was the first time he was the one pulling me. And I felt happy. So much that I had thought I would suddenly burst from happiness.
“I see,” I responded, closing my eyes, feeling his warmth. “But, I was still wrong. Can you at least accept my apology?” I looked up at him. And I found his eyes already looking at me. I melted. But I kept on gazing at them.
“If you’ll accept mine, then I will,” Rei answered with bluntness, but I felt the softness of his words.
I smiled and nodded. “Okay.”
My heart pounded with a certain rhythm. And even while we stood still under the rain, under the same umbrella he had, I felt the silence between us let the sway of my heart dance with his. I didn’t know if he felt the same. He probably didn’t. But that still didn’t keep me from thinking about it.
“Say,” I whispered. “Do you know what it meant when I asked if you and Mika were a couple?”
“I had no idea,” he responded with no hesitation.
I giggled softly.
I knew he would say that and to be honest I should’ve known from the start. Since I asked him about liking someone before, and he didn’t seem to understand what I meant by it.
“That’s one thing that I wanted to clear,” Rei continued. I tilted my head as I looked at him curiously. “You were talking about romantically dating someone, right?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “Did you research it?” I teased and giggled.
“Of course,” he answered. “And by my research, I can't categorize my relationship with Mika-san as that.”
“But you’re calling her by her first name,” I pouted slightly. “And you called her special.”
“I do, but that was because she requested it, the same way you did.”
I sighed… And hid my face in his chest. Realizing Mika did something I did was kind of frustrating in itself. I guess, both of us think the same after all. But I didn’t like that she was more aggressive than I am.
“I called her special because she’s a friend,” Rei continued. “I never had anyone I considered as a friend before.”
“Hmm, is that so?” I reacted a bit sarcastically. I kind of felt jealous, but I wouldn’t want jealousy to overwhelm me once again. Not right now. Not when I was in his arm like this. “How about me then?” I guess it wouldn’t hurt for some of it to leak…
“Hmm…” he stared up.
And I raised an eyebrow because of it. Did he have to think about it?
Alright, calm down Runa. You have to listen. I thought to myself.
“I’ve thought about this before, but I do consider you as a friend,” he finally answered.
“Just a friend? Was I not special to you?”
“You are,” he said and his eyes returned back to mine before he continued, “I guess I could say, since you’re the first friend I ever had, that you are more special to me than Mika-san.”
I giggled. “Really? I guess it’s fine then.” And I closed my eyes, smiling.
I settled into this giddiness inside me, but the reason why he left still lingered in my mind.
I paused my smile.
“Rei-kun,” I called for him softly… cautiously, and my arms finally decided to wrap themselves around him. “I’m sorry about your mother,” I said.
“It’s fine,” he casually responded.
“Did you feel sad?”
“A little.”
“Just a little?”
“Yeah.” He paused for a moment. “I did say I like her, but that was a long time ago. After a while, I stopped remembering what it was to like her.”
My mouth opened at what he said. And I wondered…
“Why? What happened?” I asked as concern filled my voice.
But he didn’t answer. I pulled myself away from him so I could clearly see his face for any hints. But I only found him staring blankly ahead, the usual way he always did. And when he finally stared at me, I couldn’t see any hints of the answer from his expression.
“If you’re not ready to talk about it, it’s fine,” I said. “But if you do, remember that I’ll always be here to listen.”
“Okay,” he nodded.
I smiled with satisfaction.
…
…
“You know, Rei-kun,” I said, listening to the hollowness my heart suddenly wanted to fill. “Without you… with you away… I felt… very lonely…”
He didn’t answer.
“I thought you left…” I took a deep breath so as to not let my eyes let go of more tears. “I thought you left me and…” I stumbled on my words for a moment. “...And I thought you’ll never come back.”
“Why did you think that?” he asked.
I took a deep breath…
Because the answer to what he asked overflowed in my brain…
I thought everything that I told him that time was the cause of him going away. And I regretted them all. I was repeatedly pounded by the belief that I lost him. That I lost Rei. And as time passed by, it started becoming unbearable. If he had not shown up now, I wouldn’t even know what would become of me tomorrow.
“...I was… lonely,” All of those thoughts condensed into three words. And those three words were true.
I heard him take a sigh.
“Have you forgotten?” he asked.
I looked at him in confusion.
“I made a commitment,” he said. “I wouldn’t leave you until I helped you reach top 10.”
Oh… right…
Of course…
“Can I…” I hesitated, my heart fluttered as my intent formed inside my thoughts. And as my thoughts grew clearer, my hands traveled on their own. Toward Rei, toward his face, until they reached his cheeks. He only gazed at me, curiously, without the fluttering or embarrassment that he once had. I felt a bit disappointed that he wouldn’t get flustered anymore, but I felt his skin becoming warm. And so I met his gaze with a smile. Now I was sure what to say. “Can I use that one request you said you would do for me?” I asked.
“Sure,” he answered.
“Could you promise me…” I paused, biting my lip to not let the tears fall. “Please… promise me to never leave me again, even after you helped me reach top 10, that you’ll always stay with me.”
“Is that all?”
I nodded. And all kinds of emotion raced inside my beating heart. Pounding in turn. Squeezing my chest tight for all different kinds of reasons. And all of them toward the answer I was hoping him to say.
And he smiled. Faintly and gently. “Sure,” he said simply.
But that one word overwhelmed me completely.
And so, my tears fell. Even with happiness I would cry. I asked myself why, but before I could answer, I lunged myself at Rei, wrapping my arms around him, hiding my tear-soaked face inside his chest.
I like him. I could say it. I couldn’t tell him right now as I wasn’t sure if he would know what it meant. And even with everything he said, even with how I tried to be careful. About being hurt, about him not understanding what it means to like someone. I still went and embraced him. Because I knew that simply saying I like him wasn’t the real reason why I had longed for him this much.
And until he figured out what it meant to be as I am now: I might be jumping over a cliff admitting this, but I did not simply like him.
I love Rei.
I love him.
“Thank you,” I said, with all that I had gone through coming out in my voice. “Can we stay like this for a while?”
I felt the confusion he might be showing in his eyes. But he still nodded.
And the time passed.
And I wished the time would pass slower.
And the week that felt like an eternity was already being swept away from this one moment with him.
After all, Rei had finally come back to me… And everything… wasn’t just a dream.