Author's Preface
Friday. Morning. Infirmary.
Wouldn’t it be far simpler if you only had one path to follow when you were seeking your own happiness? Like, for example, even if you stumble and fall because of some stupid mistakes, you could just pull yourself back up, stand, and continue forward. Because ahead of you was the only way presented to you. Turning around was an option, but turning would reveal how much of a mess you had made. Would anyone really want to relive that mess? Experience it again as if you never learned anything from it?
In the end, most people would be inclined to move forward. Bringing with them those experiences they already once had, and learning to never repeat those mistakes. Most people would…
But what if that happiness kept moving away from you? Matching every movement of your feet. Walking ahead as you made attempts to move closer to it. You would use more effort, right? You would need to be determined and possibly even face failure and its consequences. And, of course, at the end of the day, you were taught to believe that happiness was worth every effort you had exerted. And once you finally were close enough to embrace it, everything would turn out fine. But… wouldn’t that be too exhausting? And what if… what if when you reach the end of the path, there wasn’t anything there? What if what was waiting for you would tear you apart? Wouldn’t that be too terrifying?
But what if…
What if another path appeared from the side? Sure, the simplicity that you yearned for would vanish, replaced by uncertainty that you were not promised. You wanted that one in front of you, but the other path was showing happiness that would actually meet you halfway. Would walk closer with you. Would be the one to embrace you and make you smile.
A smart person wouldn’t hesitate. For those who were not, they would let doubt consume them, not being able to choose which path was the right choice even when common sense would say which one was better.
But for those people who were not smart… better didn’t always mean right…
…
Maybe I wasn’t smart… because I always chose to follow this one path… I always chose to chase that uncertainty ahead of me… No matter how hard it would take… No matter how much it eluded me…
Choosing to reach my hand toward a person that wasn’t even here.
And I thought I was ready… yet I was starting to feel weary… but even through this weariness… I was still not smart enough to give up.
But…
That person by the end of the path I had chosen seemed to have vanished… gone for a week… without leaving any hint to where he went… without leaving any reasons why he left… without leaving assurances so I wouldn’t worry.
Would it really be okay? To just continue like this?
…
Rei…
Where did you go?
…
The door from the infirmary gently opened. I slowly shifted my eyes toward the open space it left. I was lying down on the bed, but when I saw there was a person there, I lifted myself up and sat.
“Hey,” a rough-sounding voice spoke. It tried to speak softly, tried to speak carefully, but it still somehow sounded a little husky. “Are you feeling fine now, Miyase-san?”
Takeda never took a step inside. He was staring at me like I was about to break. Even with his gentle stare, I could feel the concern in his eyes. Probably remembering how fragile I was earlier. But for some reason, I found it adorable when both our eyes met and he would look away and smile awkwardly.
And yet… I wished the voice I heard wasn’t his… I wished it was flatter, more serious, sounding perpetually bored. But actually did care…
I shook that thought away.
He wasn’t here…
He wouldn’t show up when you wanted him to…
That was the reality…
“I’m fine,” I finally responded, preventing myself from letting out a sigh so as to not make him think it was his fault that I was feeling weary. I tried to smile instead. “You can come in, you know.”
Takeda hesitated and avoided my eyes. I could see a little hint of red around his cheeks. He raised his hands and rubbed the top of his head, maybe to try to hide his embarrassment.
Why?
I only smiled a little at him…
“Uhh…” he muttered with a careful step entering the infirmary. “You should rest more if you’re still not feeling well,” he said, stopping midway, choosing to stand away rather than sit at the other bed across from mine.
“I told you, I’m fine,” I insisted, eyeing him to come closer. “So, what happened during homeroom when I left?”
“Akihiko transferred,” he replied, still hesitant to move closer. “I’ve known about it for a while, though.”
“Anything else?” I asked, letting my voice sound what I really felt about what he said. That I didn’t care.
Takeda lowered his head a little when he approached the bed across from me. He sat on the edge of that bed and turned around slightly so he could face me when we talked. He didn’t seem bothered about the tone of my voice. I guess it was obvious from the beginning that I didn’t like his friend after all.
“Yeah,” he nodded as he settled in. “We also talked about the ball tournament that’ll happen next week.”
“Oh!” My enthusiasm jumped, meeting what he said with interest. “Did they sort out who’s going to play volleyball?” I shifted myself closer to where he sat. “Was I in?” I said, leaning forward in excitement.
I innocently tilted my head a little as I waited for his response. But he only stared at me, and I noticed his eyes widened a tiny bit before he covered his face with a hand. Takeda slowly turned his face away from me. And I became too self-conscious after.
“Sorry,” I fretted, while hiding how embarrassed I was with an awkward smile. “I startled you, didn’t I?” I lowered my head on my shoulder and waited a fraction of a second before peeking at him from the corner of my eye. “I was just, umm, I just act way too excited when it comes to volleyball…”
“No,” Takeda responded. “Uh, sorry, I was… It wasn’t because I was surprised,” he said. “I just thought you were… too cute.”
My face slowly gravitated to his. My eyes widened when I stared at him… Then I noticed the blush he was trying to hide.
Huh!?
Wait!
What?
I lowered my head and my hand climbed toward my chest. I clenched my uniform on top of it. Why?
What was happening?
All because he thought I was—
“He said you were cute!” Yui peeked her head from the doorway. “Adorable!” she squeaked and giggled.
Beside Yui was Hina. And behind Hina were Mika, Kanoko, and Ayane. And all of them were just standing by the doorway and were just watching. Some of them giggled with Yui… It was Kanoko and Ayane…
“Wha!?” Takeda stood up in surprise. “Why are you all here!?”
Yui was the one who went inside first, and the others followed her after.
“We’re here for Runa, you know,” Yui replied.
“I-I know but…” Takeda paused and took a deep breath. “At least you could’ve waited a little longer,” he said.
“Oh, did we totally spoil something important, Ken-chi?” Kanoko grinned toward Takeda.
“True, look at him smiling. Gross,” Ayane teased him.
“Gross? Really?” Takeda panicked and started simultaneously looking at me and looking at the mirror placed in the corner of the infirmary. Checking his face carefully.
I giggled a bit.
“I was just joking, Ken-chan,” Ayane said while patting the back of Takeda.
“R-really?”
“Yeah, Ayane was totally joking,” Kanoko answered instead. But she followed it up with a muffled laugh.
While I was watching Takeda panic and get flustered in front of the two flashy girls teasing him, I felt a hand suddenly touch mine.
“How are you?” Yui gazed at me with concern.
“I’m fine,” I smiled to assure her.
“Really? You looked very pale earlier when I took you here.”
“Seriously, I feel better now,” I declared while standing up. But because of my clumsiness, I wobbled. “Woah!”
Before I could fall, someone beside Yui grabbed my arm.
“Don’t force yourself,” Mika said with a frown.
“I wasn’t, really,” I shifted my face away from her to hide my embarrassment.
And then I saw Hina drape her leg over the other, sitting comfortably at the opposite bed. “How are you feeling, really?” she asked. “Because I listed you to be part of the volleyball team.”
“Really!?” I leaned close to Hina from excitement.
“Yes, yes,” Hina said, smiling while pushing me away gently. “The girls here are going to be participating, and we can’t have one of our teammates getting sick,” she continued.
I looked around and saw Yui smiling, Mika crossing her arms still looking at me with concern, and Ayane and Kanoko giving me a thumbs-up while comforting the deflated Takeda that I could only imagine they had teased into oblivion.
“I’m not sick!”
“Are you sure?” Mika asked, trying to find any hint of a lie to what I said.
“I am sure.” I faced her immediately. “I am very sure!” Stared at her with sharp eyes of determination. “I have never been as sure as I am right now!” I crossed my arms to further emphasize my point.
There was no way. No way they were all playing together and I wasn’t there. I might not be the best player on the team, of course, and I might not be sure what kind of contribution I could even bring. But I still love playing volleyball, even though I was not good at it.
Mika sighed, then the worry from her face faded away. She glanced at me with a smile before turning toward the door.
“Then there wasn’t really anything to worry about,” she said. Mika started walking, and as she went closer toward Ayane and Kanoko, the two girls waiting for Mika wished Takeda good luck.
I tilted my head in confusion, but then before Mika left the room, she turned toward me.
“Also,” she paused. “What’s going to happen next, keep in mind I wasn’t a part of it.” She grinned. “Good luck,” Mika said as she finally exited the room.
What was going to happen?
Hmm?
“Should we head back too?” Yui pulled my hand, bringing me along with her toward the door. Behind us, Hina stood up gracefully and followed.
But before we could reach the exit, Takeda blocked our path.
“I would have preferred if Shirogane-san and Asakura-san weren’t here but…” Takeda paused and took a deep breath.
“Hmm? This sounds kinda familiar…” Yui replied.
“Yeah, sorry,” Takeda apologetically confirmed. He reached his hand inside his pocket, but he hesitantly pulled whatever it was out.
He took a glance toward me, then his eyes became sharper, and then he managed to pull his hand out. He stretched his hands toward me and bowed.
“I have two tickets for a movie on Sunday," he declared. “Can you please come watch it with me?”
…
What!?
“No,” Yui quickly answered for me. “I’m sorry, Takeda-kun, but Runa and I already have plans for Sunday,” she said and tried to be sneaky looking at me and winked.
“I-is that so…” Takeda stood straight, but he left his head hanging. He lowered both his hands and kept both the tickets inside one of them. He smiled a little, but I could see and feel the disappointment in it. “If that was the case, I wouldn’t want to get in your way,” he said.
I…
I felt…
Yui suddenly tugged my arm and I looked at her. “I feel really bad!” she whispered, covering the side of her mouth with a hand.
I looked away.
I was feeling sorry for him as well. But, I really wouldn’t want to play around with the feelings he had for me. Takeda was telling me to not give my answer yet, but was that really fair for him? It sounded cruel. And the more time I was letting pass by, the more time and energy he would be wasting on me.
At this point…
I really didn’t think he would be able to make me look his way. Maybe a little, but not enough so I would never look at anyone else. Right now, my eyes were still searching for one person. My heart was still yearning for that person.
But…
“Wouldn’t it be a waste?”
Huh? I opened my eyes wide and searched for where that voice came from.
I definitely didn’t say that!
“I mean, isn’t this why you’re giving him another chance?” The same voice clearly came from behind me. It was Hina.
Hina walked past me and Yui to stand beside Takeda. All three of us wondered what she was going to do. Then she reached her hand toward him.
“Tickets,” she said.
“Huh?” Takeda blurted a sound.
“Give me one,” Hina insisted.
Even though it was clear on his face that he had no idea of what was happening, Takeda reached out and gave her a ticket.
“Thanks,” Hina winked at him and started walking toward me. “He tried,” she said to me. “Don’t you have any pity for him?”
“But Hina—”
Hina grabbed my hand and placed the ticket in my palms, then closed it.
“She accepts,” Hina turned around to declare toward Takeda.
“Really!?” Takeda’s eyes lit up, but then it faded as he was realizing what was going on. “But I don’t really want to force her to go if she doesn’t want to,” he said dejectedly.
“Do you really want to throw away this opportunity?” Hina looked into his eyes, and Takeda lowered his gaze in defeat.
“I—”
“You wanted a chance, right?” Hina continued to persuade him.
What was going on with Hina? Why was she trying to dictate what I had to do? I still had no idea what was going on in her mind. All throughout the week, she was behaving normally. But now…?
I should say something. This was unfair. Especially to Takeda…
I opened my mouth.
But…
“What if he never comes back?” Yui beside me whispered.
“Huh?”
“I know what you told me last time,” Yui stared at me, and the concern from her eyes returned. “But I watched you this whole week,” she continued, holding my hand and pressing it tight. “I ended up bringing you here because of it.”
“But, nothing really bad happened, right?” I whispered back. “I turned out fine!”
“Fine right now,” Yui frowned. “But what if next week Mr. Tanaka announced another student transferring?”
My eyes feared what she said, and I took one step back without realizing.
What if?
I didn’t want that…
But what if?
“She accepts,” Yui told Takeda. “Right, Runa?” And turned to ask me.
What should I do?
I looked around the room one last time before I made a decision. And I saw Takeda nervously looking at me. His hands clenched at his side.
“It’s just watching movies,” Hina tried convincing me once more.
I closed my eyes.
…
…
Then I… reluctantly nodded…
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Friday. Afternoon.
Both of them were traitors!
I sighed for the millionth time…
I couldn’t believe this. Not only did they force me to accept Takeda’s invitation, but they also left me walking home alone.
For the first one, I would blame them. But for the latter… I guess I couldn’t…
Another sigh came out…
Why did they have to do a committee meeting today? Why not on Monday next week? And why did the captains for each team have to be present? It turned out that Yui was selected to be the captain for our volleyball team as well. This had to be some kind of cruel joke, right? If I was present during homeroom, I would have denied anyone who had nominated her…
Not because I didn’t want her to be the captain…
But because I ended up going home alone…
And now I was left having to think about what to do on Sunday.
Come to think of it… I never even actually had a proper conversation with Takeda. We had this little talk this morning, but… was it enough?
Also…
Yui…
I thought she was on my side. She was the one who was telling me to become proactive. She was the one who heard when I finally admitted what I really feel about Rei. But then she sided with Hina.
I couldn’t believe it… at first…
Because… After all…
I did understand her concerns. They were actually my concerns too.
I felt a sudden surge of frustration swarm my thoughts… I carefully scanned the area first…
No one was around…
“Rei, you idiot! Why are you hiding from me!” I yelled.
“Miyase-san! Wait!”
I flinched at the thought of someone who might have heard me. I immediately covered my mouth with both my hands and froze in the middle of the street.
What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?
I should’ve checked behind me as well! If anyone had heard what I had shouted, I would die from embarrassment!
“What’s wrong?” Takeda appeared. It was him who called for me.
“Did—” I hesitated. “Did you hear me?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “What were you yelling about?” and then asked curiously.
Thank goodness. He only heard me yell, but not what I yelled.
“N-nothing,” I replied cautiously but relieved at the same time.
“Is it because you were forced to come with me this Sunday?” Takeda smiled weakly at first, and tried to hide his anxiety by pulling a wider smile.
“No,” I immediately responded. But honestly, I should’ve just said yes.
“You don’t have to go if you’re not up to it.”
I sighed… again…
“It’s not about that, seriously,” I insisted. “And I have already agreed; it would be rude of me if I take it back now.”
“Alright then,” Takeda conceded and faced forward. “Mind if I walk with you to the station?”
I shook my head.
We quietly walked for a moment. We were slow. And it was awkward. Well, at least for me. I couldn’t think about anything to say. And whenever I glanced at him, I could tell he was having the same dilemma as me.
“U-umm,” I tried to break the silence between us. “So, which sport would you play?” I asked. And I recognized quickly how dumb that question was. Of course it had to be basketball, right?
“Soccer,” he answered.
…Or not.
“Why?” I let my curiosity dictate me at that moment. And I stared at him, wanting to understand why the basketball star of our school was choosing to play soccer instead.
“Well,” Takeda said. “I did sign up for basketball at first. I was also assigned captain for our class. But as soon as the other captains saw me entering the meeting place, they all complained.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, so to prevent everyone from ending up debating during the meeting, I just stepped down and chose soccer instead.”
“Then why did you leave the meeting?”
“I wasn’t the captain for the soccer team.”
“Oh,” I shifted my gaze toward the road. “That makes sense.”
I mean, sure, I always heard that Takeda was the best basketball player in the basketball club. But was he really that good that the committee wanted to ban him to some recreational school event? That just sounded quite absurd.
“But isn’t it unfair that you were not allowed to play basketball?” I asked.
“Hmm, yeah, I guess it is.”
“Guess? Why? Are you confident about your skills in soccer?”
“Not really,” Takeda replied with a smile. “But I’ll do my best like how I always do.”
“Except for studying.”
“Ugh, you got me.”
“Hahaha,” I laughed. For some reason, I felt like it was okay to laugh. I felt like it was okay to tease him. Somehow… It felt a little comfortable. “Don’t worry, studying is different.”
“How so?”
“I play volleyball, right?”
“Yeah. I always—oh, nevermind.”
“What? Watch me during P.E.?”
Takeda looked away and nodded.
…
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to creep you out,” Takeda worried.
I slowly shook my head.
“No, I kinda understand.”
“Really?”
“Mhm,” I nodded. “If you like someone, you just can’t help it, right? Even if you don’t mean to, your eyes will always find that person.”
“Uhh… yeah… yep…”
“Are you being shy?” I gave Takeda a mischievous smile when I stared at him. I found him blushing to be quite amusing.
“I mean, it’s like… uhh…” he took a moment to hide his face. “It’s like you’re giving me permission to always look at you.”
Huh?
My face started to become warm.
“Th-that’s not what I—”
“Hahaha, I know,” he laughed. “I was just teasing you.”
“Wha!” I raised both my hands and started hitting his arm. “That’s unfair!” I yelled.
Takeda continued laughing playfully, and that kind of frustrated me a bit. I wanted to hit harder, but I didn’t think I would be able to hurt him even if I tried.
I stopped.
And pouted instead.
…Wait.
What was happening?
I thought I pouted…
But instead… I was smiling…
“Miyase-san?” Takeda called me and I jumped a little in surprise.
Then I realized I was hiding my face away from him.
“You were talking about studying, right?” he continued.
Why?
“Umm… yeah… I mean, studying is different from playing sports… and umm…” I stuttered.
“I agree.”
“And… umm… I play volleyball but… umm… I’m not good at it.”
“That I disagree with.”
“Huh?”
“I think you were just comparing yourself with Asakura-san and Tojo-san, but both of them are naturally talented,” he explained. “In my opinion, you’re definitely a lot better than everyone else.”
“Why?” I felt air choking inside my throat.
“Because you’re always doing your best. Putting one hundred percent effort and still enjoying the game. Most people don’t even know how to do that, you know,” he casually answered.
“H-how did you know?” I was cautious when asking. But the words left my mouth before I even decided what I wanted to say. I pressed a hand over my chest. Trying to stop whatever that was forming inside it. I knew I wasn’t ready. No, I never even thought this moment would be a possibility.
And yet…
“Well,” Takeda stared into my eyes longingly and smiled. “I always watch you, remember?”
My steps slowed down and I didn't even realize I had come to a complete stop. My eyes never left him. And I froze to where I stood.
“Miyase-san?”
Why?
Why was my heart pounding this fast?
Why?
Why was I starting to look at Takeda differently?
Why?
Why couldn’t I stop staring at him?
But…
Why…?
…
Why was Takeda trying to make me forget about… Rei?
When I noticed Takeda’s eyes gazing at me, I turned around. Not from trying to hide my face from him. But I just couldn’t bear the weight of his stare. And finally I realized something that I never wanted to know.
His affection for me felt warm… It felt comfortable…
And that affection made me start wondering…
Was Yui right all along? Was it really easier to just choose someone who likes you instead? Was it not wrong to let someone drag you away from the path you had already chosen for yourself?
But I believed this was unfair… Or maybe…
Maybe the idea of fairness I had was wrong in the first place…
Maybe…
This was the better choice…
But still.. I didn’t feel it was the right choice…
“Miyase-san?” I heard Takeda’s voice come closer and I panicked.
“Uhm,” I muttered. “I’m sorry,” I said, turning around without looking at his face. “I just remembered something I have to do.”
“Is that so?” Takeda replied. “Then I guess—”
“I’m sorry,” I apologized a second time. I stepped back a little when I saw him coming near. My hands trembled a bit. Because I couldn’t find an answer to all my questions. Because of how unexpected this walk had become.
Because of how fear started to consume what I once believed.
And so I ran.
I ran past him and never looked back.
I ran… because I didn’t want my path to change.
But the ticket I had inside my pocket. His stare that I still felt behind me. All of it was slowly steering me away.
All of it wasn’t something that I was asking for.
“Miyase-san, be careful!” he yelled. “See you on Sunday!”
“Y-yeah!” I responded.
I was feeling the doubt swarming inside my chest, filling the thoughts in my mind. I didn’t want to, and I was getting scared that I was feeling like I was being torn apart. Right when I had already built the courage inside of me. To be ready to feel hurt when I would finally face Rei.
But he was not here.
And I was scared that all of those resolutions I had would be pulled away from me.
I like Rei… I really do…
But why was I starting to think of another possibility?
I hated that I started to… I hated that thought appearing in my mind…
I hated that I had to be this way…
Even though I thought I was certain…
But now…
…
…
Rei… Please…
Come back…