Author's Preface
Saturday. Noon.
Okay… okay… deep breaths…
I just told Yui what I really felt…
I finally told myself that it was okay to be honest…
And the fear that was pulling me back didn’t have to overwhelm me. I had to simply push it all away. I just had to be brave.
“Be brave… be brave…” I told myself over and over again. Repeating them until I was able to force my mind to believe them. Though, my feet felt like they were sticking like glue on the surface of the road. My rigid arms swung like rusty pendulums beside me with every step I tried to pull forward. “Be brave… be brave…” I continued to mutter.
Not many people were passing by, but there were still people that showed up from time to time. And I would feel their gazes toward me. Judging my rigidness into something unrelated, different from what the pounding of my chest would reveal if they could only hear or see it. Their faces would then show that they were trying to determine if I was someone needing help, or I was someone that they would need help from.
I knew I was being awkward. So I had to do something to show them that I was a normal person after all. So… I decided to smile.
And it was a terrible idea.
I was so sure that I was being natural. I had smiled like a million times. Definitely, I wouldn’t mess this up.
But…
I had forced my mouth upward, my face felt like a block of concrete, my lips trembled, my eyes twitched, while my body still kept moving like a rock in the middle of the street. I started looking like someone that shouldn’t even be allowed to be walking outside during the day—or that was how I imagined people started thinking when I realized what was happening. I mean, the last guy I passed by flinched and almost ran away when he saw me.
I stopped walking and let out a deep, deep sigh. Then gravity pulled the weariness out of my arms and face, lowering them toward the ground.
I wanted to snap myself from being overwhelmed so I thought about slapping myself. I did. And I immediately regretted it when I heard a chuckle from someone who just walked past me.
Ugh…
Great… Now I just unlocked another fear: further embarrassing myself.
I rubbed my cheeks to ease away the pain I had inflicted upon myself. Both physically and emotionally.
Rei better have a good excuse for trying to ignore me. Otherwise…
A sudden jolt of sadness tightened around my chest. I slowly looked up. And instead of helping me to nullify the thoughts away, the drifting clouds above, traveling beneath all that blue, made that sadness transform into longing.
He was not trying to ignore or avoid me… right?
…
I managed to admit what I already realized. But that didn’t mean I already stopped being scared. I still was. I was scared of repeating the pain I had two days ago. I was scared to find out that maybe Rei was angry at me. But I just couldn’t allow myself to merely cower away and hide. Not when I already decided to prepare myself for anything that could happen.
After all…
What I feared the most right now… was losing him… before he knew how I felt…
Before I knew how he felt…
…
But wait… what if he was sick? Then, wouldn't that be some kind of an opportunity for me? I could take care of him and nurse him back to health!
I squatted down, and the rubbing became covering to hide the pink coating from my face.
Oh gosh, I wished I had asked Mom to teach me how to cook porridge…
“What are you doing?” A familiar voice appeared before me. I slowly turned my eyes up…
“Mika!” I yelled. I almost jumped when I stood. My hands automatically left my face to rest on her shoulders. But then I realized just as quickly what I was doing, and I let go.
Mika investigated my face without needing to lean forward. She had her arms crossed and tilted her head slightly. Her twintails moved in the same direction and her lips shone from their glossiness. Her eyes curiously inspected every corner of my expressions. And when she was able to guess what I was doing, she let out a familiar, satisfied giggle.
“What are you worrying about now?” she asked.
“N-nothing!”
“Hmm?”
“Wh-what?”
“I can see where you’re headed though,” she said, pursing her lips, unconvinced with my denial. “Sadly, he wasn’t there.”
“How did you know?” Doubt filled my voice, but when I realized where she was facing, I could guess that maybe she went there already. So maybe she was telling the truth. So I prevented the frown that was starting to form on my face.
“I waited for about an hour by the intercom, and he wasn’t answering,” Mika replied. I inspected any hint of a lie from her voice, but I couldn’t detect anything.
“Are you sure? Aren’t you just saying that because you’re on your way home now after meeting him?” I asked… just to be sure…
Mika looked at me with surprise and then laughed. “Of course you would think that, haha.”
“I don’t think there’s anything funny about what I said,” I pouted.
“It’s because if I was in your position, I would’ve thought the same,” she explained.
It had been a while since I had talked with Mika like this. Her appearance might have changed, but inside she was still the same. The annoyance I felt when I pouted suddenly was replaced by warmth from nostalgia that once had been an everyday occurrence to me. I smiled a little.
“How can you be so sure that he wasn’t there?” I asked calmly this time. “If I were you, I would have waited for two hours.”
“What do you mean by that?” Mika frowned at my response and smirked at me. “Fine, I’ll go back and wait for three hours!”
“I’ll wait for 4!”
“5!”
I pulled my phone out from my pocket and looked at the time. “I-I’ll wait for 6 hours…” I said. My voice sounded a little hesitant. The smirk from my face erased, and as if we were at the beach and the tide from the sea had turned inward, Mika started to smirk at me instead.
“7… I can wait for 7 hours,” Mika declared.
I stared at my phone harder, calculating the time that I could spare before it was safe for me to reach home without alarming my mom’s suspicions. “I—”
“8!” Mika cut me off before I could even set a time.
“That’s unfair!” I protested. Why was I the only one to have such a strict curfew? I couldn’t believe everything that had happened the past month had started to betray me. Although, I wouldn’t want to change anything that happened between me and Rei.
…
I looked away to hide my grin.
“You lost,” Mika said. “What are you grinning about?” she asked with demand, finding my defeat not satisfactory to her.
“Nothing,” I teased while turning my grin into a full smile.
Mika sighed the way she usually did.
“Anyway, I know for certain that Kuro-kun wasn’t in his apartment because he wasn’t answering my calls,” Mika explained.
“Wh-what if he’s sick?”
“If he was, he would still have answered.”
“True…” I nodded in agreement. But then I realized something from what Mika just said. “You’re calling him?”
“Yeah, and?” Mika looked at me while raising her eyebrow.
“Liar,” I replied immediately.
“Huh? I do call him!” Mika took her phone out from her pocket and immediately logged into her Line account, then she reached her phone forward to show me her call history.
I knew it. She still would fall for the same trick.
And before she could even react, I snatched her phone immediately.
“Wai—Give it back!” Mika yelled in protest.
“Hmm, only two calls?” I taunted while I placed her phone on top of mine and raised it high inside my hands where she couldn’t reach it.
“Sh-shut up!” Mika tried to grab her phone, but no matter how much she tried, she couldn’t jump high enough to get it back.
“Let’s see the dms,” I said while I navigated through the Line app.
“No! Don’t! My privacy! Stop!”
But while I was playfully scrolling up and down skimming through her messages with Rei—reading her long messages and his one or two-word replies—she pulled my arm and I accidentally dropped my phone. Before I could even see my phone on the ground and worry if it was scratched or damaged, Mika already grabbed it and moved away.
All I cared about at that point was if my phone got some scratch. I was confident enough that she wouldn't be able to access my pho—
“Still the same password,” Mika slowly turned her stare at me and smirked.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
“How!?” I yelped.
“Did you forget that you let me open your phone once before?”
“That was two months ago! How can you still remember my password!?”
“It was easy to remember. It was just your birthday.”
I placed a hand over my forehead from disappointment. Okay… noted… time to change password.
But that wasn’t the concern that I had to focus on right now. I reached for my phone, but she instantly dodged my hand. I tried again, but it was the same result.
“I shouldn’t have let you unlock my phone before.” The regret I was feeling at that moment was immense. But I wouldn’t panic yet. After all, she wouldn’t be able to open my Line. The password is different, there is no—
“Oh, so it was Rurika’s birthday,” Mika grinned.
All I could do was stare in disbelief…
“Look at the difference between your messages with him compared to mine. I definitely get more meaningful replies than you,” I tried to gloat instead.
“Most of them are about studying,” Mika focused her eyes on my phone. “So most of them don’t count.”
Ugh…
“We call almost every night—”
“Study sessions still don’t count,” Mika insisted with a sarcastic voice. But then, suddenly, her interest in my phone vanished. “Here.”
I grabbed my phone back immediately, and in return, I also gave her phone back.
“I thought you would have more progress than me,” Mika continued. “It turns out, all you talked about were lessons and some occasional ‘what are you doing’ from you that ends after two exchanges.”
“I could say the same to you. Almost all the things you talked about were about asking things that he likes. And then he would just reply with ‘I don’t know’ or one word, and then nothing else.”
We both eyed each other… and we both sighed at the same time…
“I was being careful,” Mika then said.
“Hmm? Why?”
She glanced at me like I was strange. “I mean, shouldn’t you know already?”
“What?” I genuinely didn’t understand what she was talking about. But her tone led me to start wondering if she knew more about Rei than me. That kind of got me infuriated a bit. And a little concerned.
“Pffft,” Mika muffled a laugh. “You've known him longer than me and you still don’t understand him at all,” she claimed.
“That’s!” I paused and calmed myself down. Maybe she was right after all. There were a lot of things that I really couldn't figure out about him. Maybe I needed to ask more like she had been doing. But… “I could say the same thing to you,” I frowned.
“Yeah, that’s why I said I was being careful,” she smiled. But then worry started to form in her eyes when she looked at me. “So, do you have any idea what is happening with him?”
“Why are you asking me?” I asked even though I knew the answer.
“Well, the way you’ve been acting was strange when I saw you earlier.”
I kept my mouth shut for a moment. But then I nodded slowly.
Mika sighed heavily.
“I won’t ask much details,” she said. “But what happened?”
I turned my eyes toward the sky. I wondered if it was a good idea to tell her. I mean, if there was someone who could relate to what I was going through right now, it would be her. After all, there were only two people I knew who would look at Rei and try to understand him.
Me… and Mika…
I wouldn’t be able to talk about this with someone else and I doubt they would truly understand.
But even so…
“I won’t tell you,” I answered, staring into her eyes.
In the end, she was still my rival. Though I still considered her as a friend. I would never deny that.
But she was right, if we continued this path, along the way we would end up clashing. More than we had already shown toward each other. Separating while we were still trying to uncover the truth about this man that we unfortunately started liking at the same time. I had finally understood what she meant.
And maybe when everything settled down, maybe one day we could look at each other, talk about these days, and then laugh about it.
“Good answer,” Mika replied when she got a clear look into my eyes. “It’s not like I will give you any advice anyway.”
I smiled. “I know. I’ll probably do the same.”
“Right?” she agreed with a smile of her own.
But her smile slowly turned into wariness. I could tell by the way she placed both her hands behind her back that she was carefully thinking about what to say next.
“Care to walk home with me this time?” Mika said cautiously.
“I thought you didn't want to hang out with me anymore,” I teased her and chuckled.
“I didn’t say that,” Mika pouted. “It’s not like I don’t want to hang out,” she said while walking a few steps ahead. “Well, you know what I mean!” She turned around and stuck her tongue out toward me.
“I know,” I nodded.
I slowly approached where she was, then we started walking together. Just like old times.
“Let’s forget about Kuro-kun for a moment,” Mika suggested.
And I silently nodded.
Then…
We kept talking about things that we both liked. We argued and teased each other. We laughed, we smiled, and we walked side by side like we usually did. Like the time that we were apart never happened. We were both childish whenever we were together. But at the same time, we always understood each other.
It was just like old times once again.
But I hated that I had to call it old times. After all, I would have preferred if this moment never stopped.
She was my first ever friend.
My best friend.
But now…
She had become my rival.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday. Lunch Break. Rooftop.
What should I do with this?
I had a really great plan last night. And I thought I was being super smart about it, too. Like I would surprise Mika with me showing up behind the old school building, a lunch box in hand, and then I would give it to Rei and sit between them. I was even giggling menacingly about it.
I was confident. I was ready to hear Mika protest and complain.
But in the end, I found myself sitting before Yui and Hina at our usual place. Two lunch boxes in front of me while Yui was looking at me like I was the manifestation of gluttony.
I couldn’t believe this.
Why was Rei absent again?
…
“Are you going to eat all of that?” Yui started judging me, even through her voice.
“Wh-what about it?” I replied, trying to act like I meant this to happen. “I-I was just, well, umm, extra hungry today.”
“Do you want to get fat?”
I flinched back a little.
“So what if I do?”
Yui squinted her eyes and tilted her head back and started looking at me with a lot of suspicion. She pursed her lips and started crossing her arms and legs where she sat. She sometimes leaned forward to look straight into my eyes and then sat straight to stare at the sky. She would close her eyes, place both her index fingers at each side of her head and start twisting them.
“Hmm… hmmmm… hmmmmmmm…” Yui began to murmur as she drowned inside her own thoughts.
I honestly did not have any idea what was going through her mind. I looked away and turned my eyes toward Hina. She had been acting like herself this morning, so maybe—
“You brought this upon yourself,” Hina said. Her voice sounded very calm, she even smiled. But I interpreted all of it as her being cruel.
I didn’t even tell her that I wanted her help. Yet she simply turned me down as if she already knew.
I sighed…
When I finally accepted defeat and returned my attention back to Yui, her suddenly appearing almost near my face surprised me.
She smiled mischievously.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Don’t worry,” Yui leaned closer to whisper. “You made another lunch box for Kuroiwa-san, right?”
I hesitantly nodded.
“Since you’ve been looking like you don’t know what to do,” she continued and grabbed the extra lunch box that I had. “Leave it all to me!” she yelled as she exited the rooftop, almost running.
“Huh?” I cluelessly let out.
And while I was wondering about what Yui was trying to do, Hina called for my attention.
“You might want to catch her,” she said.
“Why?”
“She’s definitely planning to give that lunch box to Takeda-kun.”
My eyes widened. There was no way, right? Yui wouldn’t dare!
“Haha,” I tried to dismiss Hina’s suggestion with a laugh. “Yui wouldn’t—”
“Are you sure?” Hina looked at me. Her smile was still similar to what she usually wore, but the question she asked snapped me out of my delusion.
Yes… definitely yes… Yui would definitely do that… And she would definitely say, without any doubts, that the lunch box came from me! And she might also tell him that I made it for him!
And without hesitation, I stood up, took a deep breath, and started zooming out of the rooftop.
“Yui!” I yelled, not caring if someone would complain. I had to catch Yui. I had to get back my lunch box!
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday. Morning. Before the first period.
Entering the classroom, my eyes automatically searched for the seat in the back beside the window. The person that should’ve been there wasn’t there. I confirmed the time from my phone. It was still early. Although it was not unusual for Rei to be missing from his seat during this time, it was still strange because it really was rare.
Every day, whenever I entered the classroom, the first thing I always saw was him at his seat, reading a book, looking out the window, or casually writing something in his notebook. When I had a bad morning at home, I would find Rei where he was supposed to be. I would smile. And my day would become better… even if I didn’t have to talk to him.
Just being able to see him was enough.
But I never had any glimpse of his face, heard his voice, or even received a dm from him for a few days now. And I was starting to think that maybe I made a mistake that I shouldn’t have done. I made that mistake out of fear, but I never really considered the consequences of it. And now, I was realizing it was a far worse fear that I should have imagined before impulsively exploding before him.
Remorse wouldn’t be enough to even describe how I wanted to turn back time and take back everything I said. What was going on? What was happening? I wanted to know… I needed to…
But how?
Even Mika was starting to get frustrated whenever I caught her watching Rei’s empty seat.
What should I do?
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday. Afternoon. Classroom.
“So, like I was saying…”
Yui, who was cheerful as always, had been telling me stories about things that happened around school lately. This time around, both of us decided to wait for Hina to finish her committee duties, so all three of us could go home together. I wasn’t paying attention to what Yui was saying, though. And I knew she knew I wasn’t. Because there were times where I quickly glanced at her, and her smile would showcase concern toward me. Yet she would still try while also never asking why. After all, it should be obvious.
Rei was still absent today…
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thursday.
I didn’t know what to do…
I didn’t know what to think…
Rei…
Where did you go?
Were you avoiding me?
…
…
…
I miss you…
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday. Morning. First Period.
I didn’t even bother looking at his seat at that point. I only had my face hiding behind my arms that were crossed on top of my desk. I didn’t care if the homeroom teacher would see me like this when he arrived at the classroom. I didn’t care if he would scold me or something. My concerns were more for my eyes, since I felt like they might burst out into tears if I even lifted my head up. Because I knew if I did, I would instantly search for him.
And I already knew he wouldn’t come to school…
Why?
…
The door suddenly slid heavily, revealing Mr. Tanaka. He stepped inside and the noise inside the classroom was gone, replaced by the weighted steps he always did every day.
It was not like everyone was scared of him. No. The reason why students behaved in his presence was that if he found you annoying, he would not hesitate to put you into a remedial class. And since summer vacation was almost here, no one would want to spend their summer at school.
But truth be told, I was holding a grudge against Mr. Tanaka. Rei had been absent for a week now and not once, not even a single mention of his name or any reason mentioned on why he would be absent. I hated it. I hated that he was still being treated like an invisible person. No matter how many times Mika, Ayane, and Kanoko approached Rei in class last week, everyone still treated him like he was someone to avoid.
It had been more than two months since classes had started. And all these people around me wouldn’t even try at all.
I hate this… I hate this… I really do…
I…
I miss him…
A single tear escaped my eyes, but I hurriedly wiped it away.
…
…
“Ahem,” Mr. Tanaka did his usual throat clearing before beginning to address the homeroom and check our attendance. “I have an announcement to make before checking your attendance.”
I didn’t care whatever this annou—
“One of your classmates has decided to transfer schools beginning today.”
I stood up immediately. My eyes widened as I searched for the person that should be beside Mr. Tanaka. If someone announced transferring schools, normally, they would be standing before the class…
But there was no one…
“Miyase-san?” Mr. Tanaka stared at me. “Do you have anything you want to say?”
The class started to murmur, silent at first, then gradually became loud so as not to be noticed by the teacher.
“Silence,” Mr. Tanaka said as he calmly slammed the papers and attendance notebook on his desk.
I turned toward Mika, who was staring blankly at the blackboard in front of her. I was hoping she had answers to tell me. But looking at her, she definitely was as shocked and clueless as I was.
“N-nothing,” I replied, almost a whisper.
“Then stay in your seat,” Mr. Tanaka calmly commanded.
I did. Begrudgingly.
Then questions filled my thoughts…
Transfer? Right now? Why? Where? Where did he transfer to? Was he tired of not being seen? Was he tired of everyone avoiding him? Was he tired of dealing with people in this school?
…
Why? Was he tired of me? Did I hurt him? Did I make him angry? Why did he leave me? Did he really abandon me? Why? Why did he—
I stopped when I felt another tear beginning to well up in my eyes. Not right now please… Not now…
But…
“He had not been in class for a few days, and he requested not to attend today. You all should know him by now, his name is—”
I interrupted Mr. Tanaka from revealing who it was by raising my hand…
“What is it now, Miyase-san?” Mr. Tanaka’s voice sounded a little frustrated.
“Umm…” I hesitated. “Can I go to the infirmary? I actually don’t feel well right now.”
“Fine, go,” Mr. Tanaka sighed, answering my request as if telling me to just do whatever and leave. At least, at that point, that was how I perceived it.
“I’ll take her there!”
Two people yelled at the same time. One of them stood up. When I turned around to see, I saw Takeda looking at me with concern in his eyes. The other one was Yui, who was still sitting at her seat beside mine, reaching for my uniform, and tugging it so I would choose her instead.
“I’ll go with Yui,” I declared.
“Alright,” Mr. Tanaka replied.
I didn’t look behind to see how Takeda reacted when I didn’t choose him to accompany me. I just wanted to leave. And I had no energy left to spare to feel sorry.
When Yui and I reached outside the classroom, Mr. Tanaka already revealed the person who was transferring. But I was still able to hear.
“Katou Akihiko regrettably chose to transfer. I hope you all had good memories of him—”
…
…
Thank God… Thank goodness…
As Yui and I began walking down the hallway, my legs gave out, and I fell down to the floor.
“Runa!?” Yui yelled in surprise. “Are you okay? Do you need help? We really need to get you to the infirmary now.”
“I’m fine,” I responded to her concern. I showed her my smile; though weak, it was still out of relief and genuine.
Yui reached out a hand and I grabbed it. I stood up carefully and walked beside her.
“Runa?” Yui carefully called my name. “Are you really okay?”
“Yeah,” I nodded.
“Then why are you crying?”
“I’m fine, Yui.” I smiled at her.
It wasn’t him…
Thank goodness…