Chapter 25: Rif

Author's Preface

Thursday. Lunch break

They were there. A few meters away from me. Sitting at an angle where they couldn’t see me. And my eyes started to recognize what I saw.

It was the same…

The same thing that I had seen…

Mika, on her second day joining me and Rei for our study session. This was before the midterms. I went out of the living room to answer Mom’s call. And when I went back, I saw it. Mika was smiling and she was too close. Far closer than I had ever been with Rei at that point. The distance time had told me when to bridge.

I had waited… doubted… feared… and hoped…

Then all she did was just… smile… like all of what she had was natural… when mine had to be pulled while my own being tried to push it all away…

Unfair…

It was all that I thought at that time. The same thing that I was thinking now…

So I had to show her. I had to show Mika that day. That Rei and I were closer. Not by proximity, not from where we sat, but from our own familiarity.

I needed her to see, I needed her to see. And I was about to make sure she saw it once more.

I took a step forward. But then I froze for a second, but only for a second. My body trembled instead and pulled back the step I took immediately. And the trembling turned around my priority. And the need to show Mika shrank within me, replaced by an urge that began to overwhelm me.

I wanted to hide. I wanted to get away from where I stood. I wanted to be alone..

So I hid at the corner where I came from. Quick so that Mika and Rei wouldn’t notice. And as I leaned back against the wall, my knees and my legs started to give out. Then I ended up sitting. I held my chest and had to bite my lip.

I closed my eyes…

And instantly an image appeared. About a girl I found doing the same as I was then. Sitting against the wall while dread painted her expressions. The difference was, she was crying. While I was confused.

I wondered if she was feeling the same as me. The feeling of a heart being tied so tightly that you would think it would merely squeeze painfully in place, yet it would still feel like falling to the ground, ready to be stepped on… ready to be crushed…

Maybe hers was more painful…

But I couldn’t imagine anything that hurt more than what I felt…

…

“Runa?” Yui’s voice was too loud. I heard her approach me so I stood up and quickly met her halfway while she was walking. “Wha—” I had to cover her mouth while I dragged both of us farther away and hid against the wall.

“Mmmph!!” Yui muffled a protest.

“Shh,” I shushed her, attempting to make her realize that it was not the time for her to be loud.

Yui frowned and started shaking her head in an attempt to escape my hand.

Then my thoughts went back to where they were, and carried the same weight that laid a burden on my mind. I felt my whole body stiffen and I had no choice but to comply.

I closed my eyes tight.

“Mmmph??”

I closed my hands tight.

“Mmmph!!?”

And I tried to wrap my arms around me, as tight as I could.

“MMMMMMPH!!!!”

“Ow!” I yelled when I suddenly felt something sting one of my fingers. I looked below me and I saw Yui sharply glaring at me.

“Are you trying to kill me!?” she protested.

My eyes widened as I thought Yui had shouted, but she didn’t. She only whispered loudly.

“I told you to never do that again!” Yui continued. “But you did it worse this time!”

“I’m sorry,” I said, attempting to smile awkwardly. But that smile faded instantly. And my head got pulled toward the ground so I could stare at it.

Yui held my hand. “What happened?” she asked.

“...Mika was there,” I answered. And each word felt heavy to say.

“So?”

I didn’t answer.

Yui stepped closer and pursed her lips. “You know,” she said carefully. “I really don’t understand you sometimes.” Yui raised her hand toward my forehead and gently flicked it.

“Yui!” I pouted.

“How’s that!” she said proudly and put her hands on her waist. “That’s my special move. I call it the wake-the-hell-up finger snap.”

“I-I don’t get it.” My voice grew dimmer.

Yui sighed while shaking her head. “You just flipped the wrong side of the coin today.” She crossed her arms and started tapping her foot. “Sometimes you just do things and do whatever you want, like yesterday,” she continued. “But today, you got easily disappointed.”

“Ugh,” I tried to step back because I felt like Yui had just hammered me with the truth. But I couldn’t because the wall behind me prevented me from doing so.

“You saw Mika and chose to hide,” Yui struck a pose, trying to emulate pulling something. “You could’ve just run to them, pulled Kuroiwa away from her, and yelled ‘he’s mine!’” she ended with a dramatic gesture of embracing the air.

“I can’t do that,” I whispered.

“Why?” Yui said, frowning. She pointed at my fingers, at the band-aids wrapped around them. “You have those,” she turned toward where I had been standing and pointed at the lunchbox whose contents had already spilled on the ground. “And then wasted those on that.”

I looked away…

But my eyes moved slowly on their own. Toward the lunchbox. Toward the dishes I had tried my best to make edible for Rei. Toward my bag that was lying beside them…

Wait…

“My bag!” I almost yelled.

“You just noticed it now?” Yui asked and sighed.

I tried to walk forward hurriedly, but I wobbled and had to touch the wall so I wouldn’t fall. Yui touched my hand and pursed her lips.

“Stay there, I’ll get it,” she commanded. She stared at me for a moment and let out a sigh. “You’re so very dramatic.”

“Huh?”

“I mean, I saw you taking a step forward,” Yui said. “But you hesitated to take another one.” She leaned close and stared directly into my eyes. “Tell me, are you scared of Mika? Are you scared of hurting her?”

I looked away and slowly nodded.

“Why?” Yui lifted an eyebrow. “After she directly challenged you the other day?”

I choked. But I took a deep breath to compose myself.

“I—” Yet I still hesitated to answer, but her eyes never turned away from mine. So I felt I had to tell her. “It’s because I… The last time I tried to compete… I lost her… And I feel like… Mika and I can still get along… that is if I don’t—” I took another deep breath. “If I don’t get in her way,” I said and closed my eyes.

Yui never said a thing. I couldn’t see what she was doing, but I could feel her staring at me more intently than earlier. I could imagine a frown forming on her face.

“That sounded like a lie,” she whispered.

I opened my eyes and instantly my gaze was on her. I looked at her in disbelief. How could she say that I was lying? I—or… was I?

I saw Yui shrug and shake her head.

“Every single one of you,” she muttered. “Anyway, let me get your bag,” she said as she skipped her steps toward it.

What did she mean by that? Every single one of us?

Yui started to tiptoe with every step carefully when she got closer to the corner. She was looking side to side, trying to sneak.

I giggled… Talk about being dramatic.

But that giggle did not last long. Since the ground called for my eyes and restlessness crept upon my shoulders.

“I wasn’t lying…” I convinced myself.

But I failed.

…I shouldn’t have lied.

…

I kept the moment silent for a while. And I kept on staring at the ground.

…

Then a bag suddenly appeared.

“Here!” Yui presented my bag cheerfully. “I had to journey along a dangerous path to retrieve it, so treasure it,” she said as she folded an arm to prop a hand under her chin.

I smiled meekly.

“I took a peek,” Yui reported. “They look like a couple back there.”

“Wha—?”

“I’m just kidding,” Yui replied, patting my shoulder. “But who knows if they are actually going out.”

“I-It’s not funny!” I protested.

“To you,” she said. “To me, it’s entertaining.” She smiled.

I pouted through the sting I felt. “Why are you being like that? Why say that in front of me?”

“Tell me,” Yui ignored my questions. Instead, she crossed her arms and stood steadfast. “Do you really like Kuroiwa?” she asked. Her voice demanded. Her eyes were firm. Her face stern.

I opened my mouth; I knew what to answer. But…

No words came out…

Yui waited. A minute…

Then two or three more after…

…

“Fine,” she finally said. “Let’s just go!” Her voice reverted back to being cheerful as she led the walk back.

I didn’t take a step for a moment.

Why didn’t I answer?

All I had to say was—

…

Why couldn’t I even say the answer to myself?

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday. Night

The study session had already started. Rei was teaching me about Math, about equations of lines. I kept catching the terms he was trying to teach me: point-slope, general linear, parallel… But I didn’t know what they meant. Well, because I wasn’t really listening. I was acting like I was, but my mind instead wandered within the blurriness of what happened the rest of the day.

I sometimes frowned at him when I remembered how he was letting Mika sit close to him. Although he never actually noticed. When he asked a question, I would just say, ‘I don’t know,’ and then he would gladly go back and explain everything. And still, I would not listen.

“That’s what a point-slope form is,” Rei finalized another explanation for the umpteenth time. “Do you understand now, Runa-san?” he asked.

I didn’t answer.

Rather, I let a moment pass by as I merely stared at him.

“Runa-san?” Rei called.

I sighed.

“Rei-kun, can we take a few minutes to rest?” I asked impatiently.

“But we only have a few minutes left until the end of our session,” Rei replied, staring up, probably looking at a hanging clock in his room.

I wondered why he did that. I mean, he could look at his screen and at the bottom right corner he could see the time. But instead he chose to search somewhere else.

“Pfft,” I muffled a laugh as I remembered the one time I did something similar. Although the circumstances were different. But I did knock on a door that had a doorbell beside it.

That was so silly of him. And as I compared the silliness I did to how similar it was to what he just did, it slowly drew a smile on my face.

I folded my arms over my desk and placed my head on top of them. I stared at Rei, staring blankly at me. That made me smile just a little bit more.

He was staring at me. Even with how his expression remained the same as always. The thought of him staring at me intently made me quite happy.

“Rei-kun,” I called for him softly. “Did you continue working on your game?” I asked curiously.

“Partially,” Rei answered. “But I am still more focused on preparing for our study session,” he continued, and I liked the fact he chose to hold the conversation with me instead of insisting that we resume studying.

“Sorry,” I apologized playfully. I was sorry for taking time out of his life ambition, but I was so elated that he chose me over it. “But you don’t have to focus too much on me. You’ve been a lot of help and I’m improving, right?”

Rei moved his eyes. I knew he was trying to process what I said.

“True,” he replied after.

I pouted slightly.

“But I am still making progress with whatever time that I find,” he continued.

“Say, Rei-kun?” I called his name cautiously. “Do you think it’s better this way?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… that we hold our study sessions through video calls…” I paused. I was reluctant to say what was next, but I still did. “You do get your time alone, right? You finally have time to continue making games… So I guess… it is better…”

“I don’t see it that way,” Rei replied immediately.

My eyes opened wide because I was sure he would agree with me. After all, I did interrupt his plans for the future. Although he assured me before—I really wasn’t sure why he would do that for me.

Was I… Was he looking at me… as someone special?

I bit my lip. But unlike the usual reason why I always did it, this time, it was to suppress a huge smile that I felt was coming.

“Why?” I asked, trying to hide the excitement in my voice.

“I think a face-to-face study session is much more effective.”

“Why?”

“That way, I can easily tell if you’re having a hard time on a specific part of what we’re studying. Sometimes I don’t catch your expressions through the screen.”

“And… how?”

“Basically, I can see you better when you’re in front of me. I can see how your eyes move, if they move up and down from the notes and where they get stuck.”

“And?”

“I can see whenever you purse your lips and start sighing to yourself because a word is difficult for you to understand.”

“And?”

“I can see how you try to peek at me subtly behind the notebook you’re holding, hesitating to ask me a question.”

I didn’t ask anymore. I ended up hiding between the gap that my arms left on top of my desk. I could feel my cheeks burning.

Oh my gosh… he was looking at me so intently…

“But recently, you haven’t been doing much of that. I believe you’re really improving at comprehending the lessons we’re taking,” Rei continued.

“Am I really?” I asked him, sounding like I was doubting him. But in fact, I wasn’t. I just wanted him to tell me more of what he saw in me. I tilted my head, used my arm as a pillow; I stretched straight toward my laptop’s monitor, carefully reaching toward Rei through the screen, and pointed my index finger. Gently tracing the shape of his eyes, gently tracing the shape of his face. Mine rested on top of my polished desk—and for some reason my cheeks felt warm as I smiled while waiting for his answer.

“I do believe so,” Rei replied flatly.

Yet my smile grew even bigger.

“So,” I started without meaning to. But it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right? With what he just said, why wouldn’t I believe that he might accept the idea? “How about if we, you know, start our study session at my house instead?” My eyes watched him with antici—

“No,” Rei replied quickly.

I frowned.

“Why?” I asked, slightly losing the softness in my voice. “You said it would be better if we studied face-to-face, right?”

“I did,” he answered. “But it would be preferable if we could do it at my place instead. But as circumstances are—”

“How come? Mom won’t disturb us. It’ll just be the two of us in my room. Sure, it will feel a little cramped since your living room is much more spacious. But—”

“I wouldn’t be comfortable,” Rei said, his voice firmer than usual.

And I didn’t like that…

I straightened myself in my chair.

“Then what about me?” I raised my voice a little. “What about when you forced me to come to your apartment alone? I wasn’t comfortable back then.”

He stared at me. But I didn’t see his eyes moving, and so I realized his silence was him not having any answer to my question.

“Why can’t you do it for me?” I pressed him.

“I’m sorry,” he answered.

Both my hands clenched on their own. I took a deep breath to calm down.

But then an image from this afternoon popped into my head.

Mika… Rei…

And then a question came after…

Why was he rejecting me when all I wanted was just for us to be closer? Just like before. I had lost a lot of opportunities to bridge the distance between us, and now I was facing a bigger gap. Him on the screen from his side… Me on his screen from my side…

And I felt the path between us suddenly collapsing. If this went on… If this really went on as it was… Then where would I be able to stand beside him? When would I be able to be close to him?

I shouldn’t be this silly. I shouldn’t be this stupid. Yesterday I was just clinging on to him. Wasn’t that close enough? Shouldn’t that be enough?

No…

I wanted… more…

Then my thoughts circled back to where they started.

Why was he rejecting me?

Why was he accepting Mika… but not me?

A sharp voice trapped inside my throat suddenly wanted to come out.

And so I let it…

“Who was with you during lunch today?” I asked, looking at my desk. My eyes were starting to see differently. A darkness that was syncing with the tight sting inside my chest.

I waited…

“Why?” he asked.

I didn’t want a question.

“Answer me,” I insisted, and I managed to stay calm. But I had to close my eyes tight for me to sound that way.

“With Mika—”

“Why were you with her?” My voice grew louder. My clenched fist forcefully pressed against my desk.

I saw Rei’s eyes move. And his face filled with confusion.

But it wasn’t his confusion that I was seeing. I was seeing him think, and I immediately thought of him trying to find an excuse.

“Because—”

“Answer me honestly,” I cut him off again.

“I was going to—”

“No, you were not!” And again.

Rei went quiet. And I found that as an opportunity to take long, deep breaths. But the more air I took in, the shorter the interval became.

“Mika-san, she insisted on joining me for lunch every day,” Rei calmly said as I finally let him finish.

But one word caught me. One word that made me drop my jaw as I continued to cut my desk with a stare. A frown clouded my face as I pressed my lips together. I knew if I bit my lip now, I would definitely cut it.

He called Mika by her first name…

Since when? Since when did they start becoming more familiar with each other? More than I was with Rei?

Then I remembered the time on the rooftop. When Mika came and explained her side. She called him ‘Kuro-kun’.

I didn’t think more about it at the time, but…

Since when?

I wanted to ask more than when. I wanted to ask how, why, and what the two of them did together while I wasn't looking. But one thing that I really wanted to ask battled through all of them so it could surface. My hand was shaking, my lips started to tremble, and my chest started to pound with the incoming rift driven by a huge quake within my slowly wearying heart.

I felt weak where I sat, but my rigidity gave fuel to my annoyance. And I used it as strength.

Who cared anymore?

“Are you going out with her?” I asked, managing not to stutter. But I choked by the end. I choked on the fact that his answer could be yes, and I wouldn’t know what to do if it were.

I bit my lip at last, but my teeth trembled with it. I breathed through my nose, and every time I inhaled, it pulled my shoulders up along with the air. And every exhale pushed them down. And the more my shoulders were pushed, the more my whole body shook. And it made my breathing uneven.

“What do you mean?” Rei asked.

“I meant what I meant.”

“I really don’t understand.”

“Why? How are you not getting it? You’re in high school, those words should be obvious to you!” I yelled. “What I am asking is, what is Mika to you?”

“She’s—”

“Is she special to you?”

…

“Yeah, because she’s a frie—”

“Then are you going out with her!?”

“Again, I don’t—”

“You’re so smart, but you cannot even comprehend what I am asking! How can you be so smart and be stupid at the same time!?”

…

“I want to know… if you two are a couple…”

…

“Runa-san, why are you asking the same question?”

His question brought back my thoughts once more. Why?

What was I even doing? Why was I acting like what they did was my business? I was nothing to Rei. I wasn’t special to him like he saw Mika. If they were a couple, then so be it, right?

Why was I so annoyed, so irritated? Why was I so angry?

I stood up slowly. And reached a hand toward the top of my laptop’s monitor.

“Runa-san?” Rei asked one last time.

“Rei-kun… no… Kuroiwa-san… thank you…” I said, and my voice started trembling. It wasn’t raining outside, but my desk was catching a couple of raindrops.

“Runa-san, can you give me time to find an answer to your—”

“I can’t,” I replied. I wasn’t yelling anymore… I was just exhausted… “You’ve helped me a lot, but…” I took a moment as hesitation started to overwhelm me. But even so, my voice came out without my permission. “I guess it’s time for us to end all of this…”

I said it… and I regretted it… but my hand folded my laptop closed to end the call…

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not even a minute had passed since, and my exhaustion was quickly replaced with the desire to take back all that I had said. But when my laptop’s screen flashed, he was already offline. I sat down and waited. Sat down and hoped he would come back.

Surely, he realized that I wasn’t myself, right?

Surely, he would come back to me, right?

I would apologize… I would take everything I said back…

I would smile at him… I would—

My Mom showed up behind me. I didn’t even notice she had entered my room. I just felt her hugging me, asking me what was wrong. She had heard me yelling earlier. And I would guess she came up to scold me for being loud. But here she was, trying to calm me down as I sang songs of sobs and whispers with a melody played by my recklessness.

I didn’t look at Mom, but she stayed with me for an hour. An hour where my eyes never left my laptop. And during that hour, I was cycling through the rhythm of crying and not… despair and hope… weariness and emptiness…

But eventually, my body wanted to give up. I intended not to move from where I sat. I couldn’t miss the moment if Rei decided to come back.

He didn’t…

Two hours passed… Three hours passed…

And that was enough time for Mom to force me to bed. I begged her not to touch the laptop; she didn’t. I increased the volume before I lay down. Because even though at that moment I thought it was pointless, I still wanted to wait. And the notification sound of him logging in might come at any moment.

Then if not… maybe tomorrow… Yes, tomorrow… I will apologize to him.

…

I was so stupid… I was so stupid…

No you weren’t, you did what you wanted to do, right?

The familiar voice spoke to me again, but I had no strength left to shake it from my mind. And it just said what it said.

You wanted to end it, as soon as you saw Mika was with him. You only used her as an excuse.

I bit my lip.

After all, you weren’t ready. You did not expect that liking someone comes with a heavy dose of pain.

Then tears started rolling down my cheeks.

Even after witnessing the side effect firsthand, you still dared desire it yourself.

I closed my eyes.

And now, here you are, just like she was a few years ago. The devastation painted in her eyes should have been enough for you to reconsider everything. You should have just stayed curious, but you got drunk from the sweetness of it all.

My consciousness finally started to settle into slumber.

And so… just like Hina… you’re left with nothing but pain…

…