Author's Preface
Wednesday. Afternoon. After class.
It had been a short while since we started this silence. A full minute, but it felt like it was longer. And as usual, I couldn’t understand the expressions Rei was showing. His eyes were staring at me. But I could sense that they were looking way past me. I took a step forward, hoping that maybe, if I got closer, I would be able to find myself within those gazes. But I merely took a step, and then I cowered for another one. Afraid that perhaps I would find someone else in those eyes.
I ended up taking only a few glances, a few quick ones, before I looked away. I was half-filled with concern and half-filled with irritation. Was he angry? Was the condition so important that he had to look at me like this? Was he even looking at me? Or someone else?
Who?
Nothing made sense. It was like the atmosphere between us fluctuated from something close and warm into something far and cold. But summer was getting closer, yet at this moment, it was as if winter was the one around the corner.
…
“I’m sorry,” Rei finally said. He said it the way he always did. Always flat and always unbothered. The sincerity was there. But I wanted more. There should be more… right?
“Is that it?” I asked.
“Then…” he paused. His eyes went up for half a second and then went back to me. “Do you want me to take back the condition?”
“That’s not what I meant!” I yelled. I took a step back, attempting to clear my mind. It was as if getting away even just a millimeter could help me think straight. It didn’t.
I took a deep breath instead. Okay, that helped a little.
If I let my frustration take over, he probably wouldn’t understand what I wanted to hear. This was Rei after all. I shouldn’t be overwhelmed yet, not yet. “Do you think a simple apology was enough?” But my voice came out angrier than I hoped.
“…No.”
“Then…” I took a moment so I wouldn’t yell. “What are you really thinking?”
Rei walked closer. I didn’t know why, but my feet wanted me to take a step back for each step that he was taking. But I stood my ground. I should not be afraid to face him. No matter what he had to say, I should stand before him and listen.
When he finally stood right before me, he deeply lowered his head.
“I am truly sorry about the condition.” Rei apologized.
I waited for more…
But he remained silent after.
So I had to ask, “Why?”
Rei never moved. And so I clenched both my hands.
“Do you understand what your condition put me through?”
“I do,” he said, still not moving.
“No, you don’t!” I scowled at him. “You definitely don’t!”
“This time, I really do understand.” Rei stood straight and faced me. “I tested your resolve, the only way I knew how.”
“There are a lot of ways that you could have done that.”
“You’re right. And I realized it lately. But at that time, I tested you with the method I had always gone through. Because I had to show my resolve and my resolve had been tested almost every day.”
“Huh?” I took a step forward.
“I shouldn’t have given you the same expectations that had always been placed on me.”
Another step forward. Closer to him.
“It was my mistake to let you carry a weight you never asked for.”
And closer…
“I should have thought about it more. I hope you can forgive me.” Rei continued. But by the end of his explanation, when he was about to lower his head once more, I caught his face with my hands.
His eyes widened. And my palms caressed his cheeks.
“Why?” I asked, my voice soft with care. My thumbs wiped below his eyes. “Why are you crying?”
The skin beneath his eyes was dry; there were no tears falling. But I felt like I saw one sneak from his eye. When he was talking, I saw his hands tighten beside him—his lips trembled a bit with every word he spoke, and his eyes had fallen deeper, becoming emptier every time he explained. So I traced the cheek where I thought the tear I saw slowly trickled down from. I might have been wrong. I pulled his face closer to mine. Then I looked directly into his eyes. I carefully checked around them. I wanted to be sure. The moment I saw him looking unusually grim, even though his face wasn’t showing it, I sensed it… and I felt my heart drop toward the ground.
…
But then… I got too close…
I immediately felt the heat rushing onto my face. So I released him and turned around quickly… before he could see my cheeks paint themselves red.
“I…umm… well…” I stuttered. I was trying to remember what he was saying earlier so I could respond.
What was it again? Umm… weight? Expectations? Methods? Oh… right… about the condition.
I took a quick glance at him. He was staring at me still. I tried to find a hint if something changed. Not flustered, even when we got that close.
…Why?
Maybe he was getting used to all the times I tried to make him blush? But this was the first time that… no… it also happened before, my face getting close to his, and he didn’t react. Was he getting used to me? But he did react earlier when I grabbed his arm…
When I touched his nose, he got flustered. When I touched his f-finger, he became very flustered. Was he getting better at hiding those reactions from me?
Or…
Did… Mika…
“Runa-san?” Rei asked, cutting off my thoughts.
I took a deep breath, then touched both my cheeks. They seemed to have calmed down, but for good measure, I still took a moment before I slowly turned around.
“E-even if you said all of that,” I said carefully. But still, I tried to make sure that I still sounded angry. “That still doesn't erase everything that happened.”
“I know, so let me make up for you,” he replied.
“How?”
Rei started to think. “There are a lot of possible scenarios I could think of. But to ensure I won’t make the same mistake and assert what I know,” he said. “If it’s sufficient for you, then I will do whatever request you want me to do.”
Seriously!?
“H-how many requests… can I ask?” I choked.
“As many as you want.”
My thoughts were suddenly filled with so many things I wanted. ‘Let’s hang out this weekend!’, ‘Don’t ever move away from me again!’, ‘Let’s study at my house instead!’, and so on… So many things…
If I make him do ten things for me, would that make me greedy?
Hmm…
Ten wouldn’t be enough…
Don’t get too excited!
I gasped. Suddenly a voice that sounded like me shouted in my head.
…
…
I shook that thought away.
“Umm, I think… one is enough,” I replied reluctantly.
“Do you have something in mind?”
“I do… but I’ll leave it for later.” I glanced away.
“Okay,” Rei said. “Then, should we go?”
I nodded, and I started to walk beside him.
I wonder if I was becoming too lenient with him. But then I felt sad when I thought he was crying; I wasn’t angry enough; I should have pushed for more explanations. But I kind of knew by now that the condition wasn’t really what it sounded like. So I guess, at least, he apologized…
…And I got something like a reward from it too. I bit my lip excitedly and smiled. I lowered my head slightly so he wouldn’t see.
Yet my curiosity still wanted two more answers that I needed to ask. I let us walk for a few meters before I asked.
“Rei-kun…” I called his name gently. “If you don’t mind, can you tell me what those things that… you know… umm… tested your resolve back then?” I hesitated for a moment.
“I can’t,” he answered immediately.
“Why?”
Rei didn’t answer. But I saw him clenching his hand once more. But when my eyes reached his face, it wasn’t showing anything. I was a bit disappointed. But I do not want to force him. Maybe one day… if he felt like I was special enough to him…
Don’t keep your hopes up…
…
“Then… what would you have done if I had failed?”
…
…
WHAT AM I ASKING!?
I figured there would be at least a few moments of silence before Rei said or did anything. I had hoped he would look at me blankly like he usually did and say he wouldn’t do anything. But then I saw him slowly raising a hand toward me.
Was he really serious about the condition all this time!?
I panicked.
“W-w-wait! Hold on!” But it was too late; I didn’t think he was able to understand me because I was squeaking too much. So I merely closed my eyes. And accepted my fate.
Was he really going to touch me? Right here? Right now?
…
A warm hand landed on top of my head. I opened my eyes and stared at him, at the hand. Gently stroking my hair.
HUH!?
“This is the only way I know how to comfort a person,” Rei explained.
“W-w-wha?”
“If you had failed, you would have felt bad.”
“I-I-I k-k-know b-b-but…” I wasn’t uncomfortable; I wasn’t really. But this was getting way too embarrassing. What should I do?
“I know the implications of what I said, but I had never intended to do so. Thinking about it now, I should really have withdrawn the condition earlier, once I had already seen your resolve.”
“You… you’re right, but…” Why was I still letting this go on?
But then his hand stopped moving, and when he finally lifted his hand from my head… I followed it with my eyes, and I felt a little disappointed.
You shouldn’t.
But I still pouted…
I sighed. Five minutes of patting my head for each subject I failed. I didn’t think I would be able to survive that. I would be too embarrassed, and I would shrink into a ball of self-consciousness…
Wait… my hair didn’t smell, did it?
I placed a hand over my head and rubbed my hair. I was about to test what I was wondering about when I suddenly realized it might be weird if I rubbed my hair and smelled my hand after. So I stopped doing anything and just walked. And I just stared at his hand.
Tense…
Why?
“...Would you tell me everything, one day?” I asked.
“About?”
“What I asked you earlier.”
“...Probably.”
The reply he gave me was almost a whisper. I had never heard him talk to me like that before. Did I make him sad? I stared at his hand again. How could I make him feel a bit better?
…M-maybe if I—
No, I shouldn’t be thinking about these sorts of things right now. But my hand already decided on its own. Aiming toward Rei’s hand, I reached for it.
Missed.
He swung his hand too high when he took a step forward.
I tried again, timing every swing of his hand.
Missed.
He scratched his head.
I frowned when I looked at his face. Even though his expressions never changed, I suspected that he probably knew what he was doing… Or maybe not…
I glanced toward the street and sighed…
Oh—the request!
No, I definitely wouldn’t want to waste my request on such a thing. For now, I should just give up.
There was still time; I could wait. And maybe one day…
No… Stop…
…
…
I shook my head…
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday. Night.
I ate dinner, took a bath, and my laptop was running and sitting on my desk ready for another study session with Rei. Me though? I was rolling on my bed, hugging my pillow, and squealing over and over, rewinding all the moments I had with him this afternoon.
What should I do!? What should I do!? What should I do!?
Any moment now and Rei would start making the video call for our study session. I had to compose myself.
But…
Clinging to his arm…
Holding his face…
Almost… H-holding his hand…
“Kyaaaaaaaaaaa!” I screamed and rolled once more. I never thought Yui’s ‘proactive’ advice could turn out this well. Much more than well!
What should I do!? What should I do!? What should I do!?
“Runa!” My mom opened my door suddenly which made me jump up from my bed, and I ended up sitting up.
Ruri showed up a few seconds later, peeked behind Mom and looked at me strangely.
“What are you screaming about!?” Mom yelled. “It’s already night, you’re going to disturb the neighbors!”
“You’re screaming too…” I replied sarcastically. Then I turned my attention to my little sister. “Ruri, come to big sister,” I said with a big smile and arms wide open for an anticipated hug.
“No!” Ruri replied immediately. She hid behind Mom, and it broke my heart a little.
“W-why?” I asked, disappointment clinging to my voice.
“Because you’re acting strange,” Ruri answered.
I pouted. Ever since that day when Mom confronted me about Rei, Ruri had her guards up around me. I told her many times that she didn’t do anything wrong, but she stopped letting me spoil her ever since. That shocked me a little. As a big sister who always loved to spoil her little sister, I felt like my pride was on the line.
But maybe it was a good thing… so that she could become more independent…
…
No… never… I would never let that happen…
I need more Ruri sweetness in my life. What would I do if I weren't able to hug her anymore!?
…Yes!
I would try luring her with her favorite snack next time! That would be a good plan!
“Are you really going to start your study session acting like that?” Mom asked with skepticism.
“O-of course not,” I replied.
“Mom?” Ruri said, looking at Mom. “Why is Ru-nee acting weird?” she asked with genuine curiosity.
“It’s because of a boy,” Mom answered immediately.
“Wha—no!” I responded.
“If it’s ‘no,’ then what are you squeaking about in your room? I can even hear you screaming from the living room.”
“That’s… that’s none of your business…” I replied, looking away.
“Listen, Rurika. When you grow up like your big sister, you need to be more honest with yourself.” Mom said to Ruri, crouching to meet Ruri’s eyes.
“MooOOOooom!” I protested.
Mom stood up and then stared at me. Suspicion in her eyes that transformed into a mischievous smile.
“So?” Mom paused, staring at me, and preparing to investigate my reactions. “What happened between you and Rei-kun?”
“Nothing!” I answered and hid myself under my blanket. My face was starting to warm, and I didn’t want her to see.
Mom sighed and giggled. “Alright, but just make sure that—”
“I know! Don’t do anything inappropriate.” I annoyingly finished her sentence for her.
“If you understand, then…” Mom turned around, deciding to leave at last. “Rurika, have you done your homework yet?” she said toward Ruri.
“Yep!” Ruri answered enthusiastically.
“Then let’s leave your sister here being all weird. Let’s go watch TV instead.”
“Okay!” Ruri replied.
“W-wait,” I unintentionally interrupted Mom and Ruri’s exit. Although I did want Mom to leave. But there was something that was also bothering my mind.
I was acting all giddy and happy ever since I came home. But the thing that I saw with Rei never left me. Somehow, even though he wasn’t showing it, I felt like he was in some kind of pain, and it was worrying me a lot. I distracted myself by only thinking about getting close to him, but he had been too quiet the rest of the walk. Much more than usual.
So I thought… Maybe I could cheer him up…
Don’t, don’t get too close…
I shook my head…
Beef steak, huh…
I probably wouldn’t be able to make something that would be considered world-class. But if I worked hard, I might be able to make something edible.
I looked into my mom’s eyes with fire burning in mine.
“What?” Mom replied to my stare.
“Mom, after my study session…” I took a deep breath. “Could you teach me how to cook?”
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday. Lunch break.
The plan was simple. By the end of the last period before lunch break, I would wait for Rei to stand, and then I would approach him and then hand him the lunch that I tried to cook for him this morning.
And… maybe… join him for lunch too…
When the bell finally rang, Rei stood up from his seat. I immediately took my bag with me and was about to stand when Yui suddenly appeared before my desk. She slammed both her hands on my desk to get my attention while also looking at me with concern and suspicion.
“Hey, what happened to your fingers?” Yui asked, leaning forward to read my eyes. Then she pulled back to properly look at the bag that I started unconsciously hugging tightly. “They’re filled with bandaids.” She stared at me. “Hmm… Did you do something this morning that you shouldn’t have?”
“Sh-shut up!” I replied, but my stutter made me fail to sound genuinely angry. It made me sound guilty instead.
“What did you do?” Yui pressed me. And I had to lean back since she leaned too much toward me using her hands to support her weight from my desk. “Tell me!” she cutely demanded with a smile.
“I-I cooked…” I whispered.
Yui’s eyes were filled with surprise. “Really!?” she yelled. “Why?”
I didn’t answer.
Yui closed her eyes to think. “Ooooh,” she opened her eyes with sudden realization. Her smile that was just curious before entered ‘I should definitely need to know’ territory. I was really careful not to step into that landmine ever since this morning, but since it was already lunch break, it had become inevitable. “Something might have happened yesterday,” she continued, her smile becoming more smug.
I looked away, nearly blushing. The memories almost overwhelmed me again, and thankfully Yui was here, bringing me back to reality. The urge to suppress my giddiness was stronger than bathing myself with it.
“What happened? What happened?” Yui chanted as she started to lean much closer, and I leaned back farther. But then she suddenly pulled back and stood straight, and her jaw opened wide. “Wait, if you cooked for him, but you’re still here…”
I agreed with her with a frown.
“Ahaha,” Yui laughed awkwardly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”
I sighed. Then I stood up from my seat. I held my bag carefully and walked toward the door. I peeked outside the hallway toward the stairs. He was not there. I turned the other way. Not there as well.
“What’s wrong?” Hina appeared behind me and asked gently.
“N-nothing,” I answered.
“Don’t worry, Runa.” Yui jumped cheerfully beside me. “I definitely know where he went.” She smiled.
“Huh? How?”
“Well, yesterday we went to the old school building, right? Let’s just say I saw him outside the window.”
“Peripheral vision?” Hina asked, then giggled. “Who are you talking about?” she continued.
“We’re talking about Dracula!” Yui raised her hand while yelling her answer.
I looked at Yui in disbelief. Dracula? Did Rei even look like one? Hina was looking really confused, though, as she actually didn’t know who Yui was talking about.
“First of all, I think we should go,” Hina said and pointed out that we were blocking our classroom door.
“Alright, follow me!” Yui commanded and walked ahead of us.
Hina followed first. I hesitated.
Are you sure about this? Are you ready for the consequences?
…
…
I shook my head. Then I started walking.
A few walks later, we reached the staircase. Yui went down, but Hina went up. They both stopped and then blinked at each other. I was behind Yui.
“I don’t think the rooftop is down the stairs, Yui,” Hina said with a bit of sarcasm.
“Well, hmm…” Yui closed her eyes and propped her chin with a hand. When she figured something out, she opened them wide. “Oh! You can go ahead and wait for me there!”
“...Just you?” Hina asked, tilting her head a little.
“Yeah!”
“Why?”
“Runa and I are going to meet Dracula!”
Hina started frowning for half a second and then smiled. “Yui, stop being weird,” she said calmly. “We’ve always eaten at the rooftop; there’s no reason to—”
“What are you frowning for!” Yui scowled at Hina.
“What do you mean?”
“Do you really think we’re not noticing every time you make weird faces and hide it with a smile after!?” Yui raised her voice. “Do you really think we’re that stupid!?”
“Yui, stop!” I tried to grab Yui while looking around, aware of the other students staring at us. But it didn't stop Yui.
“You’re calling me weird, but that’s how I usually am!” Yui stepped forward and tipped on her toes, trying to make her voice reach Hina that was above her. “You’re the one who is always trying to hide things from us! You’re the one who’s always weird!”
I grabbed Yui and pulled her closer to me while being careful for us not to fall down the stairs. Why was this happening? I tried to look at Hina for answers. But I only saw her smile fade and look the other way.
“Seriously, Yui. Stop!” I begged once again.
This time, Yui took a deep breath and tried to calm down.
“I hate it whenever you do this,” Yui said calmly this time, but her voice still lingered in annoyance. “Instead of frowning, smirking, and looking at us weirdly before you hide with your smile. Just tell us what you think,” she added, firmly still staring at Hina.
I had my mouth hanging as I didn’t really know what to do…
“Hina… we’re going to the rooftop after all—”
“You’re going to the back of the old school building, right?” Hina faced us, no longer hiding beneath her smile anymore. Then her eyes focused on me, fierce and judging eyes, staring at me. Accusing me of something I had no idea about.
I froze.
“How did you know?” Yui asked.
“I know what you’re doing, Yui,” Hina continued. “You’re going to let Runa meet Re—Kuroiwa—san, right?”
“Well that’s obvious,” Yui responded sarcastically.
“You’re just going to bother him.”
“Hina… how did you know where we were going?” Yui insisted.
But Hina did not answer.
Although one thing I really didn’t understand was why she was looking at me like that. Yui was the one she was arguing with, but why glare at me?
And we were going toward the back of the old school building?
…Also, why did Hina—
I met Hina’s eyes with my own glare this time, demanding that she answer Yui. But she only avoided them. She faced up the stairs.
“Wait for me at the rooftop,” Yui said when Hina started walking up. “We’ll talk later.”
And then… Hina was gone…
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday. Lunch break. Back of the old school building.
My hands were shaking as I tightly embraced my bag for two reasons. The first was because I had to give Rei the lunch box, and the second was because of what had just happened. I saw Hina get angry before, so that was not shocking to me. But not knowing why she was glaring at me that much was making me…
Hmm…?
Why?
Why guilty?
Why scared?
Did you forget? …… I shook those voices away.
“Runa!” Yui went back to her usual self, walking ahead of me, turning around, and gleefully caught my attention. “We’re almost there.”
I held my breath.
“Wait!” I stopped walking.
“What?” Yui took a few steps ahead before stopping. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I-I don’t think I’m ready…”
“Huh?” Yui started walking toward me. She stopped directly before me and looked into my eyes. “I thought you were already going to do this.”
“I-I think I changed my mind…”
“Why?” Yui asked immediately, looking at me with disappointment.
I didn’t answer.
“Did Hina acting like that scare you?”
“...Yeah.” I dodged her stare. I wasn’t really scared about Hina. But…
Yui stared at me… and she became quiet… she scratched her head then started leaning closer to grab my hand.
“You’re not going to waste all that effort for nothing!” Yui pulled me forward and pointed out the bandaids on my fingers. “Just… A… Few… Steps… Away—” she stopped. “Why are you so heavy!” and complained.
“Am not!”
I took a deep breath. When I saw Yui about to pull my arm again, I walked past her. “Fine, I’ll go!”
“Alright!” Yui cheered. I still felt her presence behind me though. Maybe waiting for me to actually disappear when I turn on the corner as I approach Rei. To where Yui told me he was supposed to be.
I took another long but deeper breath. My heart started pounding. I took out the lunch box out from my bag. Why was giving him a lunch box making me this nervous? I was able to do something even more yesterday…
Stop now!
I paused a step but continued forward still…
The corner was just before me…
And then I turned…
And the voices that I was shaking away… started nagging…
See, I told you…
I saw Mika, giggling, being all giddy like I did last night. Except, she was openly doing it in front of Rei. He was still looking the same, expressionless as he always did. But why did I feel like he was more responsive to her… and why are they alone together…?
Turn around… Leave…
And why… how come Rei wasn’t moving away… whenever Mika was trying to shift closer to him…?
You saw what happened before…
I dropped the lunchbox I was holding… And I froze where I stood…
You should have just stayed curious… You shouldn’t have taken more steps closer to him…
Then I let those voices momentarily take over my thoughts.
Leave now… Or you’ll end up just like… her…