Author's Preface
Lunch break, Monday. 2nd week of June.
During the weekend, I spent a lot of time with Kanoko and Ayane. On Saturday, they invited me to go on another shopping trip at the mall. Then we went to a cafe, continued window shopping, and had lunch at a trendy restaurant that I hadn’t usually gone to before. They told jokes, talked about idols, talked about dramas, but even though I had no idea what they were talking about, for some reason they always found ways to get me involved. And I liked that. On Sunday, we went to Ayane’s house. This time they had a mission, as they said. That was to teach me how to apply makeup. I was clumsy, I was unsure, but they directed me patiently. And it was a lot of fun, surprisingly. I never expected to get close that quickly with two people whom I had only considered classmates before I talked to them on Friday. They were both good people. And I liked hanging out with them.
Both days, though, I always accidentally grabbed at least two textbooks and put them in my bag. I never used them. Well, of course, I went out not to study but to spend time with Ayane and Kanoko. I just brought them out of habit. In fact, at night, I still read my notes and studied. But this time, I didn’t take hours to do it. I only studied for the right amount of time, three-quarters of an hour, which was what I thought was sufficient. I mostly only did my homework. Although the urge to study was the strongest during the weekday nights last week, at the very least now, I was starting to adjust.
But for some reason… it somehow made me feel… empty…
…
This morning, I woke up really early to spend time applying makeup by myself. When I finally saw the makeup kit that I had bought with Kanoko and Ayane on Friday, I kind of laughed a little. The sight was so unfamiliar to me. Yet I grabbed it and used it.
At first, I copied Kanoko’s style. Thick, heavy, something that she called glamorous. I didn’t like it, not because Kanoko’s style didn't fit me or anything. But I wasn’t sure how to do it. I needed more time to practice. Maybe I should watch some tutorials on that video platform. Sigh.
I wiped everything off my face. It was horrendous. This time, I remembered how Ayane had applied hers. But I wanted to do it my way, less heavy. A thin layer of blush on my cheeks. Bright red lipstick pressed lightly on my lips. Tiny lines of eyeliner drawn to highlight the shape of my eyes. And I thought that was it. I looked at myself in the mirror. And I was just mesmerized. What I saw was me. But somehow it wasn’t quite the same… me…
Both Ayane and Kanoko praised how I had applied my own makeup when we met at the park this morning. They both said this fit me better than how they had taught me. Then they told me I looked like an idol, which, of course, I denied. I mean, I never dreamed of being one, nor did I ever imagine myself as one. But at least, that gave my confidence a little boost. Not that I had always seen myself as unattractive. I had received confessions from boys since I was in middle school. I always rejected them because the possibility of romance was never on my mind during those times. So, at least I knew some people found me attractive. But being with Runa, Hina and Yui made me feel ordinary.
But I never lingered on those thoughts. Instead, my mind wandered immediately into one thought.
I wondered…
How would Kuro-kun react if he saw me? The me that was completely different since the last time we saw each other. It was just two days ago, yet two days had changed me somehow.
…
But…
For some reason…
Despite intending to go to the back of the old school building for lunch…
Right now…
…
I ended up sitting in the cafeteria. Three boys were with me. Katou Akihiko, the one who always annoyed me, Takeda Kenji, the ace of our basketball club, and Sakamoto Yuuta, that one honest guy who always looked serious and talked seriously, but not on the same level as Kuro-kun. Kuro-kun always looked like he was bored. He talked sternly and seriously, but there were no emotions involved.
I giggled at that thought.
But Sakamoto-san was different. He was serious and stern, but filled with enthusiasm.
Sigh…
“Are you having fun, Tojo-san?” I looked toward the one who spoke. Katou. Ugh…
“No, not right now,” I answered honestly.
“HAHA!” Takeda-san, who was sitting across from Katou-san, laughed out loud, so loud that it startled the students eating at the tables surrounding us. “You heard that, Akihiko? You’re not as fun as you think!”
“Sh-shut up,” Katou-san replied. His head turned to face me. “That’s not true, right, Tojo-san? You were just giggling at my joke earlier.”
Ugh…
“I was not,” I said bluntly.
“Come on, give me a break, please?” Katou-san begged.
“Tojo-san,” Sakamoto-san, sitting across from me, said calmly. “Are you really not having fun with us?”
“I’m sorry,” I replied, slightly apologetic. I mean, Sakamoto-san had a reputation for being a very justice-oriented person. Many called him the hero of justice. People were saying he once saved someone from being bullied last year. He got beat up for it, but he fought relentlessly for what was right, and somehow he managed to become friends with the bully. And that bully was Takeda-san, a reformed delinquent now turned into a basketball prodigy.
What a strange world.
“If that is the case, then I don’t think we have the right to keep you with us here,” Sakamoto-san continued.
“What!? No, Tojo-san, stay,” Katou-san objected. He started looking at Sakamoto-san to speak with him. “Yuuta, didn’t I tell you the reason why we invited Tojo-san to eat with us?”
“Yes, that is because you noticed last week that Tojo-san had been eating alone recently. And that is a noble objective.”
“Right!?”
“But…” Sakamoto-san paused. “We still do not have the right to keep someone with us if they don't want to. For that purpose, that is not noble.”
“Gahaha!” Takeda-san laughed again. “Akihiko, just give it up already. I admire that you want to do the right thing. But don’t be too forceful.”
“Says the former delinquent who bullied me last year,” Katou-san muttered.
“I… uhh… well, I was sorry. How many times do I have to apologize?”
“Umm… for this month, ten more times.”
“That many!?”
“Hahaha, just kidding.” Katou-san winked at Takeda-san.
“You’re gross. Stop acting like a girl,” Takeda-san objected to Katou-san’s gesture.
Katou-san then stood up and leaned toward Takeda-san.
“Perhaps you wanted to kiss instead?”
“No! Hell! What the—stay away from me, I don’t swing that way!”
Katou-san pulled himself back and started laughing and pointing toward Takeda-san.
“Hahaha, man, your reactions are always so funny,” Katou-san said.
“Dude—” Takeda-san was supposed to say something, but instead, he clicked his tongue. “Fine, whatever. I’ll mind my own business.”
“Hahaha, what the hell are you saying, man?” Katou-san replied. Then he turned toward me again. “Isn’t he funny, Tojo-san?”
I sighed…
They were loud, like Kanoko and Ayane. Energetic like Yui. But those three girls gave me warmth. This one? It was just embarrassing…
“I don’t think it’s funny,” I replied.
“Aww, but—”
“Aki…” Sakamoto-san said while eyeing Katou-san. Then Sakamoto-san looked at me. “I’m sorry, Tojo-san. If you’re not feeling comfortable being with us right now, then maybe we can hang out next time instead.”
Well, at least one of them was very perceptive. After being ambushed in the hallway by Katou-san insisting I have lunch with him, I spent a lot of time trying to get away from him, but then Sakamoto-san and Takeda-san appeared, and it became harder to decline them. I probably would have just ignored them and kept on walking, but then Katou-san would run in front of me and start bowing profusely and begging.
I took my phone from my pocket. It was already 12:38 pm. It was getting late, and I still hadn’t opened my lunch box. I wondered if he would still be there.
“Yeah,” Takeda-san told me. “Akihiko might be a bit forceful and a handful, but he's not a bad guy. So could you please forgive him this time?”
“W-what? What did I do wrong?” Katou-san protested.
No one replied. Both Sakamoto-san and Takeda-san only looked at Katou-san.
“Fine,” Katou-san said. Then he stood up and bowed. “I’m sorry, Tojo-san.”
I looked away.
“Please, forgive our friend,” Sakamoto-san said. I looked toward him, and I saw him bowing by his seat. Beside him, Takeda-san was doing the same.
“A-alright,” I replied. “I’ll forgive him.”
“Thank you,” Takeda-san said.
“But can I please go now?” I asked.
“Before you go,” Katou-san interrupted. “Can we at least hang out next time? I promise, I won’t force you to come with us, just like we did earlier.”
I thought about it. But I didn’t want to spend time with three boys alone. I mean, even then, I really felt very uncomfortable.
“I don’t know,” I said.
I didn’t want to make any promises. But it felt awkward to decline when the threat of him bowing profusely was looming while his friends looked at me with expectations.
“That’s not a ‘no,’ Akihiko. Aren't you glad?” Takeda-san said.
“Yeah, I’m glad,” Katou-san replied while looking at me. His eyes softened, his face softened as he spoke with a soft voice.
That… caught me off guard…
So I looked the other way.
“If that’s all, then excuse me,” I said as I stood up hurriedly.
I let my feet walk as fast as they could without making it look like I was running away. After all, I didn’t want to make a scene. And also…
“Alright, Tojo-san, later!” That voice was from Katou-san.
Ugh…
I just said I didn’t want to make a scene, and yet he just made half of the students in the cafeteria look at me.
I didn’t turn to face him, though. I was thinking of getting to the place I had wanted to go to since lunch break started. I hoped he was still there.
…
…
And when I got to the back of the old school building, I looked at my phone. 12:48 pm.
I glanced toward the concrete staircase, and there was no one there.
Still, I sat where I had sat last time. I opened my lunch box. Then I started eating.
And when I finally got out of that awkward cafeteria situation, I ended up spending time eating lunch by myself.
I sighed…
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Afternoon of Tuesday, 2nd week of June
“Mika-chi!” Kanoko, who was sitting at the back, called me as soon as the teacher left. She raised a hand, stood up, and rushed toward me. Her phone was already in her hand, and all she had to do was turn its screen on and unlock it. Then she showed me the first thing that appeared. “Don’t you think this is totally cuuute!?” she almost yelled excitedly.
I stared at the phone. It was a picture of a cat on someone’s lap. The cat was lying down, tummy up, reaching for the hand on top of it.
“It’s a stray cat!” Kanoko continued before I could answer her the first time. “I found her yesterday while I was walking home, like, you know, I tried to bring her home secretly, but Daddy found her immediately and wanted me to bring her back to where I found her.” She swiped the screen of her phone up to show me another picture. This time it was a close-up picture of the same cat looking curiously at the camera. “See, she’s so super adorable that I ended up arguing with Daddy! But Mommy came to the rescue and told him that we could totally keep the cat around!”
“Woah, that’s a cute cat,” Ayane, who was already standing beside me, said. I didn’t even notice, but somehow I was already expecting her there. “What’s her name?” she asked Kanoko.
“I named her Kuro-chan!”
“Pfft.” I reflexively muffled a laugh.
“Hmm?” Kanoko turned toward me. “Is something funny?”
“N-no, nothing. It’s just that her name reminded me of something,” I said, trying to contain my laughter.
“Oh, what is it?” Kanoko asked curiously. She leaned forward to look into my eyes. I knew what she was doing. She was trying to investigate if it reminded me of a boy!
“Tell us,” Ayane demanded on my other side, leaning forward as well to look me in the eyes.
I blushed.
“N-no, I’m not telling!” I said.
Both of them straightened up and looked at one another, then just nodded at each other.
I started to get defensive.
“I-it was not about a boy!” I yelled. But it was, in fact, a boy.
Both of them just smiled without saying anything.
“Hmm, that’s strange.” Katou-san, whom we hadn’t noticed appearing behind Kanoko, was looking at her phone. “Why would you name the cat Kuro when its color isn’t black?”
“Huh? That is totally wrong!” Kanoko yelled at him and pointed at the cat’s tail.
“The tail?” Katou-san laughed. “Hahaha, that’s true, the tail is black.”
“Also, what I name my cat is actually none of your business!”
“Yeah, sorry, sorry,” Katou-san replied while preventing himself from laughing further.
“What do you want?” Ayane asked Katou-san.
“Ah, well, I was just wondering if you guys would want to hang out with us. We're going to karaoke,” Katou-san answered.
I didn’t want to go.
“Ah, well, we have some places to go today. So maybe next time,” Kanoko replied for me. She didn’t know what I was thinking, though. It was just true that we had already made plans for this afternoon.
“Hmm, well, that sucks. I was hoping it would be you three girls and us three boys. Kenji and Yuuta are coming,” Katou-san said.
And as soon as Kanoko heard the names of those who were going, I noticed her stance started to shift from a defiant, frowning ‘none of your business’ face into a ‘this looks like an opportunity’ expression.
I… I was not feeling good about that.
“Really?” Kanoko said quietly. “Yuu-kun will come?”
“Yeah, he doesn’t usually hang out after school, but I managed to convince him to come today somehow.”
“How?”
“Well, that’s a secret.” Katou-san winked, then looked at me and smiled.
I frowned at him, though.
“Alright then, we’ll totally go,” Kanoko replied.
“Huh? Why?” I asked.
“Isn’t it fine?” Ayane said beside me. “It’s karaoke, after all!” Her voice sounded excited.
Were they serious!? I would have just gone home if we were not actually going to follow our schedule…
Right… in fact, I just had to go home.
I stood up.
“Well, enjoy yourselves then. I just remembered something, so I think I’ll just go home,” I said.
But then, Kanoko and Ayane grabbed each of my arms.
“Mika-chi! Come with us! I mean, it would be, like, super awkward if we went with three boys and two girls,” Kanoko pleaded. But the way she was gripping my arm wasn’t pleading at all.
“Mii-chan! We can’t go without you! I want to go—no—we need to go!” Ayane said. She wasn’t gripping. She was pulling me.
“Alright! Alright!” I yelled. “It’s starting to hurt!”
Both of them released my arms immediately.
“Yay~”
“Nice~”
And both of them gave each other a thumbs-up.
…
So I guessed… we were going to karaoke that afternoon.
I happened to glance toward Katou-san, and then I saw him grinning in a way that I didn’t like.
I sighed…
I didn’t really want to go…
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside the karaoke box, there was a seat at the corner that was shaped like a U, but the edges weren’t curved. They were perpendicular instead. In the middle of that seat was a table, of course, and in front was where the karaoke machine was. Sakamoto-san occupied the top of the right side of the seat, almost at the end of it. And the one beside him, who was cheerfully talking with him, was Kanoko. She wasn’t particularly interested in singing, at least that was what I thought. Ever since we arrived, Kanoko had never even touched the songbook. She was just looking happy beside Sakamoto-san.
On the other side of the seat was actually a different story. Ayane was standing up, mic in hand, and singing her lungs out. She had been like that for the last five songs. It was Takeda-san who was holding the mic before. He was able to sing three songs before Ayane forcefully snatched the mic from him and started singing his songs. Ever since then, all Ayane and Takeda-san were doing was arguing or singing.
I, for some reason, ended up in the middle of the seat. Beside me was Katou-san, who was laughing at Ayane and Takeda-san. I was sitting near Ayane when we got here, but then he sat next to me. So I stood up and went where I ended up, but in the end, Katou-san followed me.
I wanted to change seats again. Maybe beside Kanoko? But she looked like she was ascending at that moment, and if I sat beside her, I would feel like I was intruding. Well, I could still go back beside Ayane, but looking at the state she was in, along with Takeda-san, going back would certainly look awkward.
“Would you like to sing, Tojo-san?” Katou-san said beside me. There was at least a foot-and-a-half gap between us. I made sure there was. But he suddenly shifted closer to me, so I gradually shifted away.
“No,” I answered.
Not because I was annoyed by him. Yes, that was also included. But I honestly just didn’t want to sing. I didn’t want to embarrass myself. I knew my capabilities, and Yui had definitely made me realize them when I tried.
Yui…
She was loud. She always teased me, but…
I knew my expression was starting to shift toward something that I didn’t want anyone to see. I bit my lip and lowered my head…
“Sorry,” Katou-san said.
“Huh?”
“Oh, I mean, I thought I was annoying you again,” Katou-san replied.
Somehow, even though we were sitting close, he had never looked at me ever since we arrived. Well, not that I was aware of. And I found it very odd, because one of the reasons I didn’t like him at all was his stare. When he looked at me, he almost never looked me in the eyes. But his eyes were more drawn to a specific part of my body. It was very uncomfortable to think about. Most boys did, but most boys caught themselves immediately and would always look away. Katou-san… he always lingered… for a few seconds longer than most…
“You know, I always regretted the fact that I made a horrible impression on you,” Katou-san continued. “I know for a fact that I am an annoying person, well, in your own perception of me at least.”
I looked around. No one seemed to be paying attention to us. Takeda-san seemed to be the one holding the mic now. How did he manage to take it away from Ayane? I didn’t know. All I knew was that Ayane was the one trying to grab the mic from him, but Takeda-san was just so tall that even if she jumped, she wouldn’t be able to touch a finger to the hand that was holding the mic.
Meanwhile, Sakamoto-san and Kanoko were still living in their own world.
I turned toward Katou-san, and it caught me off guard to realize that he was looking at me. I winced because I had anticipated where his eyes might be. So I instantly covered myself. But to my surprise, his eyes were looking into mine this time. I looked away for a second, but I didn’t want him to think I was being shy, so I quickly stared back.
“I promise…” Katou-san said. “I won’t try to annoy you anymore. In fact, if you’ve noticed, I even stopped throwing papers at you during class. I mean, after what happened.”
Katou-san leaned forward. I shifted away from him, and I was now seated farther away. He leaned back.
“Sorry,” Katou-san said.
“I don’t trust you,” I replied.
“Haha,” Katou-san laughed awkwardly, looking toward the ceiling, then toward his hands. “Yeah, I guess. But I don’t want it to always be that way.”
“Why?” My eyes darted toward him curiously. What did he mean?
“Well, it’s because… I—”
“AKIHIKOOOOOOOO!!!”
Takeda, for whatever mysterious and spiteful reason that I would definitely hate his whole being if told and the reason never made sense, decided to shout at the mic!
“IT’S YOUR TURN TO SING!” Takeda-san was still shouting!
“Stop shouting into the mic!!” I yelled.
“AH! SORRY! GAHAHAHA!!”
…
Someone save me…
“Give me back my mic!” Ayane yelled next to Takeda-san.
“No, it’s Akihiko’s turn!” Takeda-san replied to her. Thankfully, he turned off the mic. “Here!” he said as he held the mic out toward Katou-san.
“Haha, I guess it’s my turn to sing,” Katou-san said while looking at me. He grabbed the mic, then grabbed the remote for the karaoke machine. He punched in some numbers, then hit play. The music started.
“No!!!!!” Ayane’s cries started too.
I tried not to pay attention. Instead, I wondered what Katou-san was about to say. I shook that thought off. I mean, it probably wasn’t important.
Then his voice echoed into the mic. It was serene… It was beautiful…
I looked at him with my mouth open. When I caught myself, I closed it.
With every note he hit perfectly, his voice had that sound that was easy to listen to. Like he was painting melodies with his voice. Like the room was his canvas, and the mic was his brush, and the tones of his voice were the colors that brought life to both.
Beautiful wasn’t enough. Angelic wasn’t enough. It went far beyond those.
“Wow,” Ayane muttered loud enough for me to hear beyond the singing. “Is he a pro?”
I wondered that too. If not, then he could be one. In fact, together with his good looks, he could easily become a celebrity.
Whatever caused it, my thoughts suddenly softened inside my mind. I started to think that maybe, if I wasn’t so obsessed with studying before, maybe if this guy wasn’t such an annoyance…
…No
I shouldn’t let myself get swept away by his hypnotizing voice. The reality was always the reality. I never trusted him…
But…
I could give him a chance at least.
I never trusted Kuro-kun… But, in the end, he ended up becoming the most reliable guy I knew.
It wasn’t even toward me. It was because of how I witnessed the transformation he made in Runa. Not even Hina and I combined could accomplish that.
Me?
Why did I even associate myself? I was not Hina. I was not Kuro-kun.
I…
wasn’t Runa…
“Tojo-san?” I heard Katou-san’s voice call me. Then I found myself gripping my hands hard together. I had my head lowered and tears started flowing from my eyes.
“Was it that good!?” Takeda-san yelled. “Akihiko, this might be the first time I saw you make someone cry by singing!”
“I don’t think she’s crying because of that,” Sakamoto-san said calmly.
“Did something happen, Mika-chi?” Kanoko asked worriedly from beside him.
Ayane just sat by me and held my hands quietly. Then she embraced my head with her free arm and laid it on her shoulder. She started stroking the back of my head, and was just letting me cry.
“I—I’m sorry,” I managed to say.
When I realized everyone’s attention turned toward me, I felt embarrassed. But the pain that emerged before it hurt me more. It felt mysterious where it came from at first, but…
Maybe it wasn’t actually mysterious. Maybe it was because I was longing for something that should have been different in my life.
Or maybe… I just never actually wanted change…
I just wanted to go back…
But I didn’t want to leave the people who were with me. Those people I had just found.
I just wanted to walk along with them, together with the ones I had.
I embraced Ayane and hid my face in her chest. She kept stroking my head and her hand that was touching mine shifted to my back. I just let myself go at that point.
Itsuki…
I had stopped thinking about what he said to me a week ago. But because of him, my life drifted apart…