Author's Preface
Morning of Friday, 2nd week of June.
It had been three days since that karaoke thing. And I had been tossing and turning in my bed for three nights because of it.
…
I felt really embarrassed. What was I breaking down for? What was I thinking? I just met Kanoko and Ayane two days prior to what happened. That day also marked my first time hanging out with Katou-san and his friends. And I just did that. Ruining the mood. Goodness, Mika. What was wrong with you? At least, have the courtesy to read the room before breaking down like that.
Seriously!
I looked at the time on my phone screen. 8:12 am. At any moment, Kanoko and Ayane would arrive at the park. They had been really understanding these past days. They never actually asked me anything about what was wrong, instead they just took me everywhere in town. Katou-san and his friends would join as well, and I stopped resisting and declining their invitation. After all, I was the one who made everyone uncomfortable, and they all tried to make me feel better.
Especially Katou-san…
I still didn’t trust him fully… That’s how I felt two days ago…
As for where I stood, I could confidently say I still doubted him—just a little. Because he had been kinder to me, he had been more considerate of me, and he never lingered his gaze on me. By that I mean, most of the time he would take a glance at me recently, he would look me straight into my eyes, and nowhere else, maybe some parts of my face or hair. But that was it.
That, I would say, was an upgrade. I was starting to think better of him. And well, at least, that would take away one thing for me to think about. For me to not always be worried whenever he was around. Although, I wondered if I was being too hasty.
But most of all, there was still Runa… and that one other thing…
I pondered on the night of Tuesday after I got home. I traced my thoughts during that time, before those tears poured from my eyes while we were at the karaoke. And I finally figured it out. I knew exactly what I needed to say to Runa. What I figured out though, was not the reason, it was more about how to explain those reasons to her. After all, even if it was hard for me to admit, I knew deep down why I acted that way. And I had always known that it was me that had to apologize. But those were not the reasons why I was running. And I had to be clear about those other reasons as well.
That was why I needed to tell her. Otherwise, I would not be able to take a step forward. Otherwise, Itsuki would be right.
…
But when?
I wished someone could give me an answer…
Maybe Kuro-kun could tell me…
…
Hmm…
Speaking of Kuro-kun, I actually hadn't talked to him since last week. I did add him on Line, but I never got the courage to actually send him a message. I was waiting for a good opportunity, like if I met him again and we had a great conversation about some topic. I could use that as a chance to message him about it.
But Katou-san…
He never let me go during lunch break. Still ambushing me together with his friends. This time, Sakamoto-san and Takeda-san agreed with him. And so I couldn’t actually escape like last time. And, I felt like I had not been myself lately.
Sigh…
I wonder, maybe, I could send him a message now. People would sometimes send messages to others spontaneously, so it wouldn’t be too weird, right? I took my phone out of my pocket, turned the screen on and opened the app…
Alright, Mika… show some courage, you had never backed down to any challenge before. Forget about Itsuki, forget about what he said. Return back to how you always faced everything. Always ready, always decisive.
I pressed the keypad. I intended to type ‘Good Morning’ first before I asked, but…
“Mii-chan!!” Ayane’s voice came from where it usually was whenever she arrived.
I looked toward Ayane and she was approaching me a little more gracefully than usual. Or so I thought at first glance. She was slow, carefully placing one foot in front of the other. Left then right, then left then right. And then one of her feet would either step at the top of the one behind it or accidentally kick the one in front of it. I saw her almost trip over from her new routine, but miraculously, she was able to reach me unharmed. Except probably her feet.
I carefully hid my phone back into my pocket. I would just try messaging Kuro-kun later. Maybe tonight.
“Are you okay?” I asked. “What are you doing, Ayane?”
“Ayane-chi,” Ayane corrected me for the umpteenth time since we met. I just couldn’t get into talking like Kanoko so I was always reluctant.
“Ayane… chi…” I replied.
“Yeah, you know, the one we talked about last night on Line.”
“About trying out for modelling?”
“Right! That one!”
“But the advertisement you showed us wasn’t about walking on a runway, it was for a photoshoot.”
“Oh! Really?”
“...Yeah.”
“O mi gosh, then what have I been doing since I got out of the house then?”
“You mean, you were walking like that until you got here?”
Ayane’s head deflated toward the floor when she faced it. “Yeah,” she said as her enthusiasm left her voice.
“You’ve got to be kidding me, right?” I asked in disbelief. But when I looked at Ayane, she raised her head to glance at me. “You could’ve gotten hurt,” I said worriedly.
“It’s cool, I was just doing it from time to time. I thought I had it so I tried to show off to you earlier, I think I did fine though.”
I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to say anything that would accidentally make me laugh.
“Uhh, sure,” I just said.
“Well, anyway, I guess it is just the two of us walking to school again today,” Ayane replied. “Kan-chan’s been too clingy to Yuu-chin lately. I mean, can you believe she’s been ditching us in the morning so she could be all lovey dovey with him.” she complained while holding her waist with her hands.
“I guess, they got closer when we went to karaoke.”
“Took her long enough! The girl had been crushing on him for so long, they’re supposed to be childhood friends and like, they seem to drift apart in middle school. But when she gets the chance to be on good terms with him, she’ll ditch us!?”
“Ahaha…” I could only laugh awkwardly. Ayane had been complaining about this all week but I still had no idea how to answer.
“She’s a traitor!” Ayane yelled. “And she also had the audacity to choose going on a date with him tomorrow, Saturday, a weekend, instead of going with me for the audition. I can’t believe this.”
Ayane slowly turned toward me. I saw her eyes widened then quickly glitters appeared as she transformed her eyes into the eyes of a puppy.
“Mii-chaaaaaaaaan!” Ayane grabbed both my hands. “ Come with me tomorrow!” she begged.
I don’t want to go!
“Umm, I can’t, sorry.” I said.
“Please~~, for me~~”
“Gh… umm… really, I can’t… I’m sorry.”
Ayane pouted and then sighed.
“I guess, it’ll just be me then,” she said. “But it’s fine, just wish me luck . OK, Mii-chan?” She looked at me and winked.
I smiled.
“I’ll support you,” I replied.
“Alright, let’s go to school.”
We started walking. And kept talking about different things on our way. But it sure did feel a lot different without Kanoko here.
I dug within my thoughts and replayed what Ayane had said earlier. About friends drifting apart. That phrase actually hit me where it was supposed to hit. And as I watched Ayane. I wondered. Maybe the way Ayane saw Kanoko's absence was the way Runa, Hina, and Yui saw mine?
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morning of Saturday, 2nd week of June.
It was the weekend. And for the first time, I had nothing to do. No Hina, Yui, and Runa to go out with to have fun for a bit and study after. No Kanoko and Ayane to go shopping with or visit. I was out of my room. I finished all my homework last night. Before, I would try to work ahead or go back to the parts I didn’t understand. But, at this moment, I was sitting on the couch in front of the TV, not really sure what to do.
“Move, Tiny,” Itsuki said behind me.
I turned around to look at him and frowned. This guy finally woke up and the first thing that he wanted to do was to occupy the living room already. Mother was in the kitchen washing dishes.
“That’s my spot,” Itsuki continued.
“There’s plenty of room for you on the floor!” I replied.
“Go back to your room. What are you doing here in the living room this early in the morning anyway? Go to your room and bury yourself with your notebooks and books like always instead.”
“No, I’m done studying!”
“What do you mean? If you’re not studying then who are you?”
“I am who I am, and what I decide to do with my life is none of your business.”
Itsuki clicked his tongue. “If I had known it was going to become like this I shouldn’t have told you what I said last time.”
I stuck out my tongue. And then faced the TV. I grabbed the remote to finally turn it on, but then Itsuki grabbed my arm and pulled me.
“Stand up! Move!” he yelled.
“No!” I yelled back as I resisted holding on the couch with my free arm like my life was depending on it
“Kids, stop fighting this early in the morning.” Mother from the kitchen said calmly.
“I’m not a kid,” Itsuki protested but with a softer tone.
“I’m not a child,” I protested at the same time.
Mother giggled.
“See, only kids would say they are not one,” Mother replied.
Itsuki finally let go of my arm and grumbled standing beside the couch I was sitting on. I looked at his face, he had it turned away from me. But as soon as he glanced at me, I smirked at him. I didn’t need to tell him but my eyes, my smirk, the whole expression of my face was showing victory toward him.
Itsuki clicked his tongue another time. Then decided to walk toward the longer couch and laid there. He relaxed himself and became comfortable.
“You just got out of your room and you’re already lying down again.” I attempted to belittle him.
“Shut up,” he just said. “Turn on the TV instead.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” I replied. But I turned the TV on anyway.
“When will you two stop bickering? You two used to be very close before.” Mother said as she walked toward where Itsuki and I were. “Well, just try to at least turn it down a little while I’m not here.”
I turned toward Mother.
“Are you going to work?” I asked.
“No, silly.” Mother said as she patted my head. “Today is the day when Teru-kun finally looked at me in class for the first time. When we were still just in high school.”
Huh?
“So, I’m going out to buy things to decorate the dining table so we can all celebrate it later when he comes home,” Mother continued.
Did—did people usually celebrate that kind of stuff? But more importantly, did people around my mother’s age still celebrate that kind of stuff?
“Good for you, Ma,” Itsuki said while focusing on what was shown on the TV. “Congratulations.”
“Aww, thank you, Itsuki-chan,” Mother replied with a wide smile.
Suddenly, I felt guilty for being the only one that was skeptical with all of this.
“I… I could come with you and help you,” I told Mother.
“There’s no need,” Mother replied. “I’m going downtown to buy most of the stuff that I need for decoration.”
“Why? You could just buy them from the convenience store nearby.”
“Yes, but I wanted to go buy some cake too, you know. At the cake shop that is also a cafe where we had our first date,” Mother explained… blushing. Her hands covered her cheeks.
I just stared at her. I always thought her being like this was kind of, not annoying or irritating, but something that I just didn’t understand. So I always just dismiss them. But now, I was thinking while I look at Mother, about how happy she looks.
That must be nice…
“Psst,” Itsuki whispered toward me. I turned my head toward him.
He was smirking. His expression looked like how my expression was when I won the couch.
“Ma, why don’t you just let Mika go instead?” Itsuki said.
What!?
“Oh, but today is Mika-chan’s day off, she should be resting and enjoying her time off,” Mother replied.
That’s right!!
“But Ma, wouldn’t it be more efficient if you stayed here while Mika did your shopping. I mean, you still would need to plan how to decorate the dining room, right? If you do that now instead of after you’re done shopping, you’ll know if there are things you want to add. Therefore, you would be able to tell Mika what you need while she’s out.”
NO!!!
“Hmm…” Mother thought for a second.
Please, don’t fall for his trickery Mother! Please, I beg you!
“I think you have a point,” Mother continued.
It was over… I felt the world was about to end soon.
Ugh…
Mother faced toward me. Her eyes pleaded and at the same time glittered with expectation.
“I’ll go,” I said without needing to resist. I could just say that Itsuki should be going instead, but my mother who was looking at me like that, I couldn’t refuse.
I turned toward Itsuki and his grin just got wider.
I cursed at him in my thoughts.
Sigh.
One day, I swore to the heavens. One day, his day would come.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Makeup?
Good…
Outfit?
Acceptable.
Before going out, I made sure to try one of the outfits I bought when Kanoko and Ayane took me shopping. Skinny capri jeans hugged my legs before ending just below my knees, leaving my lower legs exposed. The fitted blue top clung to my body in a way my usual blouses and camisoles never did, making me far more aware of my own shape. A thin cropped jacket rested over it, staying open by design. I finished everything off with my usual sneakers instead of the lace-up sandals those two had tried so hard to convince me to wear.
Also, I just stopped using lipsticks and started using lipgloss. I found that the natural color of my lips suits me better than looking flashy with red or any other color. Plus, I liked the way it makes my lips shiny.
Even though I put effort into going out, this was never part of anything I thought of doing today. Nevertheless, I guess it was better than lazing around the house like Itsuki. I would like to think of it that way instead.
I took my phone out of my pocket. It was already 9:14 am. I opened the screen and checked for any notifications.
…None.
I inhaled a lot of air just to exhale it after.
I stared at my phone for hours last night, but I was finally able to send a message to Kuro-kun through Line. It was just a ‘Hi’ though. Yet, he hadn't seen it yet. I wonder if he was upset because I never followed through what I said to him last time. I did intend to start going to the back of the old school building for lunch. But things happened, and I never got any chances to go without looking rude and all.
If only I was careful…
…
Anyway, I needed to focus on the task I had today. Cake shop first and then shopping for decorations.
…
Yeah, on Monday, I would just go to the back of the old school building no matter what. No matter how Katou-san and his friends begged.
And then I would apologize to Kuro-kun…
…
I hope he didn’t hate me for breaking my promise…
Was it even a promise? Well, it didn’t matter. I told him I would go, I never showed up after telling him.
…Yeah.
I really didn’t like the thought of him being upset because of me.
…
I caught myself stopping in front of a cafe. I looked inside, but the reflection of the glass window was making it hard to see. But I did recognize immediately that this was the same cafe where Me, Yui, Hina and Runa always go after school. And then if we had time left, Hina and I would try to study while Runa and Yui continued to talk about drama.
Then Runa would start getting our attention. And I would reprimand her, but Hina would always be lenient toward her. I would accuse Hina afterwards of spoiling both Yui and Runa. Then Yui would complain. Then Runa would tease Yui. I wouldn’t be able to help but laugh. Even Hina would giggle.
I smiled at the memory while still looking inside the cafe.
Thinking about it now. Those times were really fun. Whenever I was with them. So Itsuki was wrong. It was not that I didn’t know how to have fun. It was just because I never treasured those moments when I was with them before, and had thought of them as nothing else but a part of daily life. And I thought it was funny that I lost those moments and I started looking at them longingly. But it wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny after all. Those were the times before the practice exam happened. The times were simpler, but they would never come back. They were just part of my memories…
Memories that I should have treasured long before I realized they held more value in my life.
…
…
I wondered why I had to think like this again. I had already told myself yesterday to stop. I already decided to meet him on Monday, that was that. No more brooding, I would just need to take action instead.
Alright, one step at a time. Mika, you would be alright.
But then, when I tried to look inside this time, I noticed a guy waving at me. But sitting right across him was another girl. The guy looked like he was a college student, smiling, waving, and even winked.
I waved my hands toward him to gesture I wasn’t actually paying attention to him or anything. And then I bowed as an apology. Then the girl he was with finally noticed that he was not paying attention to her, and the next thing I knew, they were already arguing.
I bowed slightly a second time and then ran away. I didn’t mean that to happen. I felt sorry but I didn’t want to get involved any further.
And so, I tried to get as far away as I could. From that cafe that was once part of my comfort.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was so glad I wore my sneakers instead of the sandals. Otherwise running would’ve been a struggle.
I finally stopped after a few minutes of running. Thankfully, I reached the cake shop my mother had wanted me to go to. I tried catching my breath first. Maybe I shouldn’t have run, but it was just so embarrassing what happened that I felt like I had to go as far away as I could.
“Hey! Wait up!”
Someone behind me yelled. I turned around and then I saw the same guy from the cafe running toward me. My eyes widened, I took a step forward to get away. Forget about the cake shop at the moment. When I saw the guy run to follow me, I knew then that it was never a good sign.
I wanted to run, but my legs wouldn’t let me.
I froze.
“H-hi!,” the guy said while catching his breath. “Do you recognize me? Sorry, I looked weird running toward you like that, but I was the one in the cafe you were smiling at earlier.”
“Umm… no… sorry, I wasn’t actually smiling at you,” I explained.
The guy’s mouth hung open. But then he closed it quickly and smiled.
“Ah, I get it,” he said. “You’re just joking, right?”
“...I’m sorry, but I wasn’t,” I replied.
“There’s no way, right? Tell me you’re just joking.” The guy’s tone suddenly turned aggressive. He took a step forward and immediately I moved back.
I was scared. The guy was not particularly tall compared to the ones I knew who were, like Takeda-san and Kuro-kun. The guy was considerably shorter than them. But, because of my accursed shortness, everyone looked too tall for me. Not only that, but he looked like someone who had been working out.
“Like I said—”
Before I could finish what I wanted to say. He had already grabbed my wrist and started pulling me. I grabbed the arm he was pulling with my free hand and put all my weight behind me as I pulled against him so he couldn’t drag me easily, but he was just too strong.
“Let me go!” I yelled.
“You, at least owe me a date,” The guy said. “I just broke up with my girlfriend because of what you did!”
“You were the one who thought I was smiling at you!”
“You think I’d believe that!? You were directly looking at me when you did!”
“That wasn’t my intention—ow, stop pulling. It hurts! Let me go!”
The door of the cake shop suddenly opened. Both the guy and I looked toward it.
“Kuro… kun,” I whispered. And for some reason, I felt a little relief.
But then…
He turned his head away…
Took a step that way…
And left…
…
My mouth opened.
I mean… what?
I was shocked, but… what was I expecting? He was probably really upset with me for ignoring him the whole week. Of course he would ignore me too.
I closed my mouth and bit my lip. Of course he wouldn’t help me. Even so…
The guy pulled me harder.
“No!!!” I yelled louder.
I closed my eyes and prayed to every god to give me strength to resist.
Tears were starting to fall from my eyes.
He walked away… The person I thought would always be there walked away… If he wasn’t the one to save me… Then…
“What do you think you’re doing!?” The guy’s voice went louder. He was still gripping my wrist, but it loosened up a bit.
I opened my eyes. And then I saw Kuro-kun standing beside me. He was gripping the arm that was dragging me. I looked at Kuro-kun’s eyes, they were menacing, it was scary. But I wasn’t scared. I was glad. Not because he was saving me. But because he wasn’t ignoring me.
“Let her go,” Kuro-kun said. His voice had that edge that I never heard from him before. The flatness was gone, but a sharp and fierce expression replaced it.
The guy’s eyes trembled and his grip loosened entirely. When I felt it, I pulled my arm quickly.
“K-kuro-kun,” I muttered. Worried that he might start to get in trouble because of me.
Then suddenly…
“Run!” Kuro-kun said and as soon as he saw my hand free, he grabbed it. Then the next thing I knew, we were already running. I looked back, but the guy didn’t seem to be motivated to follow us. I then noticed that people started gathering around and started murmuring.
I looked ahead so I wouldn’t trip.
Earlier, I had been fighting against a man who was trying to drag me. But now, I was letting another man sweep me away.
I smiled.
But then…
“Look out!” I yelled.