Author's Preface
Friday morning, 1st week of June
All I had ever felt throughout this week was being pathetic. I would wake up really early, ride the train to school, and then hide in the nearby park by the train station. I needed to walk a few short meters in the direction opposite the school to reach the park. That was to avoid a situation where Runa, Hina, or Yui could spot me. I would sit here and wait until it was almost time for classes to start. I hadn’t spoken to any of them verbally, but I basically cut ties with them already. I blocked their numbers and Line accounts. I did that on impulse during that night, four nights ago. And ever since then, whenever they approached me, I would excuse myself and walk away. It was not like they did anything wrong to me. I just didn’t know how to face them anymore. And I thought, that was it. The end of everything that we had. The end of the friendship that we had. All because I was being pathetic.
I kicked the ground lightly so that the swing I was sitting on swayed me. Even just for a little, maybe the air that would touch my face while swinging might help me forget everything.
But after just a few swings, I stopped and then sighed.
Playing at the park wouldn’t be able to help me. Running away wouldn’t really let me escape. No matter how long I waited here, eventually, I would still need to go to school. No matter how I tried not to look at Runa, Hina, and Yui, eventually, I would end up glancing at their faces, and they at mine. I didn’t want to see what they were like when they looked at me. I didn’t want them to see what I was like when I looked at them.
“Eh!? Aren’t you Tojo-chan?” someone by the entrance of the park yelled.
I turned toward the voice. It was from someone I was not familiar with, so I did not hurry to hide. When my eyes finally reached that direction, I saw two people instead of just one. They were Suzuki Kanoko and Wakaba Ayane. I knew who they were because both of them were in the same class as me.
“What are you doing here?” Suzuki-san asked. I stared at her properly, wondering why they would approach me as they started walking toward me.
The color of Suzuki-san’s hair was hazelnut, but it was more vibrant than Yui’s natural hair color, so I knew, just by looking, that Suzuki-san’s hair was dyed. She wore her hair loose, long, and wavy. Her eyelashes were long, definitely false ones, but her eyes were round and full of life. She was wearing heavy makeup and painted her lips red. Those lips never stopped smiling. In fact, judging by my memories of her during those times I happened to look her way at school, it was rare to see her not smiling at all. Her uniform was mostly tidy, but I was bothered seeing some buttons of her uniform not secured properly. And also the fact that her skirt was too short. Not dangerously short, but short enough that it was already considered to be against school regulations.
The person beside her, Wakaba-san, was wearing her uniform the same way. Except that she had put on high loose socks and had her school cardigan tied loosely around her waist. I had made a mental note of that, not because I thought it was cool, but because those cardigans were meant for wearing, not for decoration. Wakaba-san’s hair was black and looked natural. She had the side of it tied with beautiful beads that I definitely thought looked cute. I wanted to ask her where she got them if I had the chance later. She was wearing thinner makeup compared to Suzuki-san, and her thin lips, colored in pink, wore a more conservative smile. But enthusiasm was always evident in her expressions, just not at the same level as Suzuki-san’s.
“Ah,” I let out as soon as I noticed them in front of me. “N-nothing.” I was being cautious. Both of them had a reputation for being negligent and rebellious. I had even heard that they bullied someone back when we were first-years. Maybe, when they saw me being alone, they found an opportunity to mark me as their target.
So I braced myself.
“Heeeh? But weren’t you totally friends with that cutie, Miyase-chan?” Suzuki-san asked. Her voice was loud and excited.
“Yeah, and it’s kinda rare seeing you alone.” Wakaba-san nodded in agreement. She had a softer voice, but you could still hear her cheeriness when she spoke.
“Totally! We’ve always seen you together with her, and with Asakura-chan and Yui-chan,” Suzuki-san continued. She grabbed her waist with both hands and tilted her head slightly to the side.
“And we’re sorry if we’re bothering you, but we're just curious,” Wakaba-san said. She placed her chin between her index finger and her thumb while she crossed her other arm and placed it under the elbow of the first one.
“Right~” Suzuki-san replied to Wakaba-san. She smiled when she looked at her and then went back to looking at me. “Actually, Ayane-chi and I have like, always been curious about your group.”
“True, like Miyase and Asakura were like the top 2 beauties in our class,” Wakaba-san replied. She let go of her chin and fully crossed both arms across her chest. She closed her eyes and nodded as she spoke.
“And like, all the boys were always talking about you guys every day, but then it started to become kinda annoying how much they’ve been talking about the same thing, to be honest.” Suzuki-san pouted. “Ah, no offense, but it was the boys that I thought were getting annoying,” she corrected herself and opened both her palms to shake them.
“But we, like, have always wanted to be part of your group too,” Wakaba-san explained. She opened her eyes to look at me.
“Totally! I mean, if we were, we could actually be called beauties too, right?” Suzuki-san said, turning to Wakaba-san.
“Right~” Wakaba-san replied.
Both of them pointed to each other, winked, and giggled.
…I just stared at them. I waited to see if they would actually stop talking and let me answer…
“But then, you know, it was still kinda intimidating just approaching you guys whenever you got together,” Suzuki-san continued. She tilted her head again slightly to the side and pulled her lips in the same direction as well.
“Mhm.” Wakaba-san nodded and closed her eyes again. “You guys were too radiant to approach.”
“I definitely agree! I mean, don’t you think seeing you four together was kinda like seeing four celebrities hanging out?” Suzuki-san said, touching both hands to her cheeks while smiling.
“Yeah, and disturbing you guys just to introduce ourselves was kind of rude,” Wakaba-san explained with a nod.
“I mean, have you ever been into idols?” Suzuki-san leaned forward a little to ask me. “The four of you together were like watching an idol group in real time and live.”
…I didn’t know how to follow both of them at all. They were both more expressive than Yui, louder than Yui, and talked more than Yui. And besides, what were they even talking about? Idols? What? I couldn’t even dance or sing. If they were talking about physical appearance, I thought only Runa and Hina would apply to that… Well, I guessed Yui was very cute, so that applied to her too…
“And like—”
“Umm… Suzuki-san… can I say something?” I finally said.
“Ah, yeah, sure!” Suzuki-san smiled. “And, just call me Kanoko.”
“Call me Ayane-chi,” Wakaba-san said.
“I… I don’t think—”
“It’s fine!” Suzuki-san assured me. “So, then in exchange, I’ll call you Mika-chi, is that okay?”
“Can I call you Mii-chan?” Wakaba-san added.
I thought about it. This was actually the first time I had talked to both of them casually outside of class. But I couldn’t find any reason why I should refuse.
So I nodded.
“Yay! Mika-chi get!” Suzu—Kanoko—san—Kanoko celebrated. She raised both her arms in the air.
“I’m glad we could get on good terms with you,” Waka—Ayane smiled. “And I’m sorry that Kan-chan was talking too much.”
“Ayane-chi, that’s not fair. You were talking too much too, you know,” Kanoko replied.
I smiled. But I needed to ask one thing before I could totally feel relaxed. Based on what I had seen so far, they didn’t seem to be how those rumors sounded. I didn’t want to be rude by asking, but from my experience with Kuroiwa-san, I thought it was best to clear things up instead of assuming. And also, for some reason, it felt easy to do so.
“Umm. Ka—Kanoko… I kind of heard some rumors about you two and—”
“Ahh… those rumors about us being easy girls, rebellious and bullies?” Ayane giggled.
“Definitely false, you know, but I don’t blame you if you believed them. I mean, this is the first we’ve actually properly talked, right?”
“True, and besides, last year, some chick in class hated us.”
“Right~ And then she started the rumors about us being easy, that was a handful, you know. And when we confronted her, she started spreading rumors that we were bullying her.”
“Like, we got popular all of a sudden.”
“And then boys started calling us out behind the school. I thought they were gonna confess. But you know what the first thing they always asked?”
I stared at Kanoko when she asked her question. I had no clue.
“They asked, ‘How much?’” Kanoko laughed out loud. “Like, isn’t that crazy?”
“That was truly pathetic.” Ayane nodded.
“So, of course, we rejected every single one of them.”
My eyes widened and my mouth hung open.
“Isn’t that awful?” I said.
“Well… yeah…” Kanoko’s smile didn’t fade but it softened a little bit. But after half a second, her smile started radiating again. “But that was not important. What's important is that the people you care about the most know who you are.”
“True,” Ayane said. “And besides, by the end of the school year, everyone in class stopped believing those rumors.”
“Right~?” Kanoko cheerfully replied. “Like even if we look like this, we’re actually fairly studious, you know.”
“I got rank 56 on our midterm exam,” Ayane said, doing a victory pose.
“I got rank 52, definitely higher than Ayane-chi!” Kanoko giggled.
“Just by a few points,” Ayane replied.
“Totally, definitely, higher points.” Kanoko continued.
“I see,” I said. I looked at them with admiration. Both of these girls were strong. Unlike me…
“But you know, among the four of you, you’re the one we kinda looked up to the most,” Kanoko said.
“We always admired the way that nothing seemed to faze you and you were always great in class,” Ayane continued.
“Like, we were even kinda surprised you ranked 36th. I mean no offense, but we thought you could easily be in the top 10.”
“We were kinda worried to see that.”
I lowered my head in shame.
“I—there were just a lot of things… I just couldn’t… I mean…” I hesitated.
“Is it because of a boy?” Kanoko asked.
“Huh!? No!” I blushed and yelled accidentally. There was no way that was the reason!
“Yep, definitely a boy,” Ayane nodded.
“O em gee, who?” Kanoko sat in front of me and looked at me with some kind of expectation.
“I—no one, definitely no one…” I said.
“Whoever that boy is, I bet for sure you can make him fall for you, so you don’t need to worry,” Ayane replied.
“Totally! I mean, you’re pretty, any boy you fall in love with would be lucky,” Kanoko said.
I sighed.
“That’s impossible,” I said. “I’m not… Hina… or Runa…”
Kanoko stood up in front of me. She wasn’t smiling, but she wasn’t frowning either. I looked at her, and she glanced toward Ayane.
“Girl, I don’t know how you see yourself, but that is kinda unfair,” Kanoko said.
Huh? Unfair?
“I mean, you really are cute and stylish as you are already, but if you really want to, you can be at the same level as Asakura-chan and Miyase-chan,” Kanoko continued.
“Yeah, don’t look down on yourself like that.”
“But—”
“No buts,” Kanoko said. “Let’s see, hmm, how about we go shopping this afternoon!?”
“Ah, but maybe you want to spend time studying instead?” Ayane asked.
Studying, huh…
“No, I have free time later,” I replied.
“That’s great!” Kanoko celebrated. “Omigosh, I’m so excited! I bet there are a lot of clothes that would look good on you.”
“Do you have a makeup kit?” Ayane asked me.
“I… I don’t, I don’t even know how to use it,” I answered.
“Then we will buy you one as well!” Kanoko replied. “I’m totally excited now! We’re going to teach you how to do makeup, too.”
“True!”
“Oh no!” Kanoko suddenly yelled. “It’s almost time for school. If we walk, we’ll never make it in time!”
“That’s because you were talking too much, Kan-chan,” Ayane replied.
“This again? Ayane-chi, you’re guilty of it too, you know!”
“Well, I was just excited about talking with Mii-chan.”
“Right~”
“Right~”
I laughed. What was with these two? They were like… fun to be with…
“Let’s go.” Kanoko offered her hand.
“Okay,” I answered as I took her hand.
Then we started running…
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
During breaks, Kanoko and Ayane would come talk to me. I would invite them to talk outside the classroom, but they never wondered why. They just talked with me enthusiastically like they did this morning. It was kind of refreshing. Finally, something to distract me from the awful things that had been bothering me all week.
When lunch break came, I saw Yui approach. I froze for a second. I didn’t think I was ready. But when would I be ready? Probably never. So I stood up and left the classroom, walking past her. Without looking. And because of that, I accidentally ignored Kanoko and Ayane’s invitation for lunch.
I sighed.
I was running again. No matter how much I tried, it didn’t seem like I was going to stop. When did I become like this? Why did I become like this? I could only blame Itsuki, but maybe I needed to look at myself more.
I decided to take my lunch at the back of the old school building. No one went there as far as I knew, and I remembered from last year when I somehow ended up at that place, that there were concrete stairs for the back entrance of the building. I thought that would be a perfect spot.
Yes… a perfect spot… perfect if not for this one person who was here first, sitting on one of the stairs, staring at me while I leaned back and stared at him awkwardly.
“Are you going to have lunch here?” Kuroiwa-san asked.
“N-no… I was just passing by…” I said, then I started avoiding his gaze.
“At the back of the old school building?”
“Y-yeah!” I yelled. “And since I am just passing by, I am going to leave. Goodbye,” I said as I turned the other way and started walking.
“There is plenty of space if you want to eat here,” Kuroiwa-san casually said.
I stopped walking and turned back.
“Well, if you insist on inviting me for lunch… then…” I replied. I carefully sat beside him.
“What I said was—”
“I know! You don’t need to explain that you didn’t technically invite me!” I said. Why did he have to explain every technical thing? I mean, it was not like I didn’t like that side of him, but wouldn’t it have been better if he just let me sit down beside him quietly?
I sighed…
“Sorry,” Kuroiwa-san said.
I opened the bag I had with me and took out my lunch box. I placed it carefully on my lap. Kuroiwa-san’s lunch box was already open. He was in the middle of eating when I got here. I took a glance at it and the food he had looked perfectly cooked. Eggrolls and meatballs as side dishes, along with white rice to go with them.
“Do you cook your own lunch?” I asked him.
“Sometimes…” he answered.
“They actually look good. I didn’t know you could cook.”
“Do you want to try?” Kuroiwa-san said and I saw him pick an eggroll with his chopsticks.
W-w-w-what? W-w-w-was he going to feed me? I c-c-couldn’t…
“N-no!” I answered.
“Alright,” Kuroiwa-san said and ate the eggroll he picked up.
I exhaled in relief. There was no way I would be able to handle that. I was not emotionally ready. I probably wouldn’t be at all if another of these circumstances appeared again, but… Why did I assume he was going to feed me anyway?
I exhaled in disbelief. But I smiled. It was only for a second, though, as my thoughts started to wander toward one of the things that I had been thinking about. I stared at my lunch box, still not open yet.
“How about your study sessions with… Runa?” I asked him.
“She hasn’t been going to my apartment lately,” Kuroiwa-san answered. “Ru—Miyase-san told her mother about you not going, and so she was forbidden to come.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“Because you did all that in front of Runa’s mother, I offered to help, but…”
“Well, you volunteered. But you had no obligation to properly see it through. It’s not like we signed a contract after all.”
“But still…” I hesitated. “Do you think I am more annoying now?”
“Why?”
“Well, because of what I did last time. I just walked out with no explanation or anything.”
Kuroiwa-san went silent. I was wondering what he was thinking, so I peeked to see his expression. I only saw his eyes moving, the way they always did when he was trying to think carefully.
“I don’t think so,” he finally said.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
…
“You know…” I hesitated. “I haven’t talked to Runa ever since,” I said.
Kuroiwa-san looked at me.
“I know she didn’t do anything wrong, but when we left your apartment, we had an argument. And since then, we have never talked. Yui tried to fix things between Runa and me. But I ran away. And even now I am still running away. We could probably get along again, if we talked. But… so many things have happened ever since then that I couldn’t think properly. I just didn’t know what to say… I don’t even know if I am ready… What do you think I should do?”
I told him. Why? For some reason, I just told him. And it felt… right…
I continued to stare at my lunch box once again. I just waited. Did he care? Did I just bother him? I felt embarrassed. What was I thinking? Kuroiwa-san and I had not talked for just as long as I had with Runa. Yet, here I was, just spouting all these things that he had nothing to do with.
What was I expecting? Really…
“I’ll be honest,” Kuroiwa-san finally said. “I probably am the worst person for you to ask things about friends.”
I had not considered that…
“But if I must answer your question, all I can do is think about it objectively,” Kuroiwa-san continued. “And objectively, I think there’s nothing wrong with not being ready yet.”
Nothing wrong?
“What do you mean?” I asked. I glanced at him.
“Think about it this way,” Kuroiwa-san replied. “You wouldn’t walk on a bridge with an unfinished foundation, would you?” He stared into my eyes. “If you are careful, you might be able to pass through. But one miscalculated weight put on one of your steps, and you would fall down.”
“That…” That actually made sense. But… “Don’t you think it’s better to talk things out now rather than later?”
“But you mentioned you didn’t know what to say. Have you figured out what to say to Runa-san?”
I…
“That’s why I think waiting until you are ready is the better solution,” Kuroiwa-san continued.
“But… if I let things go like this and waited…” I clenched both my hands.
“I could tell Runa-san about it if you want.”
This guy… How… Was it really that simple to him?
“I do agree that letting things go for long without proper maintenance would let rust break things apart. But for people who are on the opposite side of the unfinished bridge, there are always tools available for communication. You offered a solution to my request last time, so let me help you. Let me be that tool for both of you.” Kuroiwa-san continued.
I bit my lip. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. But I didn’t want to cry, because he might think I was sad. But I was happy. I turned my head to the opposite side so he couldn’t see me. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. I pretended I was trying to wipe sweat, but I was actually preventing more tears from coming out.
“Thank you,” I said. “And I’m sorry I had to ruin your study sessions together with Runa.”
“You don’t need to worry. We’re still continuing our study sessions,” Kuroiwa-san replied.
I glanced up at him slightly.
“How?” I asked.
“Miyase-san—”
“Just call her the way you always do.” I frowned.
“Ru-Runa-san asked me to download an app, and we use that app to video call at night to study.”
“Which app?”
“Let me see,” Kuroiwa-san said as he put his free hand in his pocket. A moment later, his hand came out with his phone. He turned on the screen and then showed me.
“Line…” I said, naming the app.
“Apparently.”
“Add me too,” I whispered.
“Tojo-san?”
“I said, add me too!” I took his phone by reflex and opened the app. I started to create a QR code for his Line. I took out my phone from my pocket and scanned the code. When the notification came in, I smiled and returned his phone to him.
He looked at me like he didn’t know what to do.
“Thank you,” Kuroiwa-san said instead as he took back his phone.
“You’re welcome,” I smiled at him. “Also, call me by my first name from now on?”
“Hmm?”
I stared into his eyes. “Just say it,” I said.
“That’s a bit too sudden,” Kuroiwa-san said. I searched for a change of expression, but his eyes were looking at mine like always. No blush, no surprised reaction, his voice still flat.
I sighed.
“Never mind then,” I replied. I felt defeated.
“Mika-san?”
“Eh?”
“I don’t think I had any reason to decline.”
My eyes widened. I tried to hide my smile as I felt it start growing too wide. I turned my eyes away from him.
“Um… yeah, well… then… um… what do you want me to call you?” I asked.
“You can call me however you like.”
I thought about it for a moment. Rei? Rei-kun? Rei-chan? All of them were his name, just with different honorifics. I wanted something that felt like it was just for me… and him…
“Then… Kuro… I’ll call you Kuro-kun from now on,” I said.
“...That… makes me feel like I am a cat…” Kuro-kun replied.
I glanced at him.
“Well, it fits you,” I said.
“Well, I guess it's fine,” Kuro-kun answered.
“Kuro-kun…” I muttered to myself.
“What is it, Mika-san?”
“Nothing, hehehe.”
I opened my lunch box finally. Then I pressed both my hands together.
“Thanks for the food,” I said, still smiling.
I just let what I was feeling at that moment marinate in me through silence.
“Say…”
“Mika-san?”
“Do you always come here for lunch?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you mind if I start to come here as well?”
“Well, how many times are you going to pass by the old school building?”
“Then, from now on… I’ll be passing by every day,” I said as I took the first bite of my lunch.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That afternoon, as promised, I went out together with Kanoko and Ayane. We were still on our way to the train station from school, but for some reason, I started to feel excited as well.
“Look at her, Kan-chan,” Ayane said beside me. “Mii-chan has been grinning from ear to ear since after lunch.”
“Huh?” I reacted. I used my bag to cover my face from them. “Don’t look at me,” I muttered.
“Oh em gee, Mika-chi. Did something happen? Did you meet with the boy during lunch? The one you said you were thinking about?” Kanoko said.
“I— No— just, no—”
“Definitely a boy,” Ayane whispered to Kanoko.
“Totally,” Kanoko whispered back.
“The purpose of shopping now has changed.”
“Right~ It’s time to make Mika-chi look gorgeous. This boy would totally swoon over her.”
I kept my smile behind my bag. Then I lowered it to reveal my eyes. I looked at both of them, who were very excited, talking about possible combinations of clothes, accessories, and makeup.
“Kanoko… Ayane…” I said.
“Ayane-chi,” Ayane corrected me.
“Umm, right… Ayane-chi… Will you really teach me how to apply makeup?” I asked.
“Don’t worry, Mii-chan, leave it to us!” Ayane replied to me.
“Gosh, girl. You’re totally in love! I knew it!” Kanoko cheered.
“I…” I hesitated. “To be honest, I don’t really know myself. I’m still trying to figure things out.”
I stared at them, and both of them had that mischievous smile.
“You’re so totally adorable, Mika-chi!” Kanoko yelled as she hugged me. She was taller than me, enough to rub her cheek against my forehead.
I didn’t like that, but it somehow felt warm.
“Mii-chan, do you want to take things slow?” Ayane asked.
“Mhm.” I nodded. “I want to be sure first.”
“Then we’ll support you!” Ayane said.
“Totally! I mean, we’re like friends now, right? So we will definitely support you, Mika-chi,” Kanoko added.
“Thank you,” I replied.
The conversation continued with a different topic. Kanoko and Ayane talked about male idol groups, but I wasn’t able to relate. Yet they would always ask me questions and let me be part of the conversation. Sometimes Kanoko would talk continuously, but still…
This morning, I thought this day would end the same as yesterday. Instead, I found new friends. And somehow, people found me, which led me to find a way to continue walking forward.