Author's Preface
Saturday. 4:23 pm
I was confused. I couldn’t think of anything that I had done this morning. Anything that would provoke Mom into staring at me relentlessly. I couldn’t attend to her gaze, and because of that, I was sure I made myself look guilty. And I didn’t even know why I was guilty. She sat me down at our dining table. She sat down directly before me. And then, it was just silence. For the whole ten minutes that had passed, she never said a word or made a sound, while the time that went by left a weight that tied knots tightly around my stomach. It felt heavy, so heavy that I couldn’t ask her, ‘What did I do?’ I just sat there, looking at my bag that I had placed on the table. I thought, maybe there was some kind of answer hidden inside.
“So?” Mom finally spoke. I couldn’t bear her voice. After long minutes of quiet, it somehow started to sound suffocating.
I waited…
Nothing else…
“Mom,” I said carefully, “I just got home. I want to see Ruri. Where is she?”
Mom just looked straight into my eyes.
I tried to look back, but my eyes snapped towards the table. I was starting to become frantic, but Mom just sat still. She shifted a little to make herself sit straighter, and that just made me worry more.
“Tell me, where did you go?” Mom finally asked.
“I told you this morning, before breakfast. I told you I’d go out to study,” I reminded her.
“You told me you were going with Mika, but I went to her house earlier and she was at home all day. So, where did you go?”
I quickly opened my mouth but then closed it just as quickly. I didn’t expect Mom to actually check on Mika. And I had to go and accidentally leave my phone behind when it mattered. Because of that, I was not able to contact Mika or for her to contact me. At least, so I would have been prepared mentally and emotionally for what I was going to face when I got home. I thought I would be fine. I thought telling Mom that I was going out with Mika would not make her become suspicious. Maybe I shouldn’t have, since the things that had happened this morning that I just brushed aside were actually starting to create consequences I hadn’t foreseen. I was careless, and now, I have ended up in this situation.
“I… I went out to study.” I was hesitant, but I wasn’t lying.
“With who?”
I couldn’t answer Mom. I couldn’t find a name I could tell her other than his name. And I knew if I did mention him, she would not take it well.
Mom sighed while closing her eyes. Her eyebrows never stopped frowning.
“Your sister told me you were going out on a date,” Mom said.
I exhaled to answer, but the words that I thought I was ready to say were choked on air when I gasped. I looked at her with genuine disbelief.
“Did you really believe what Ruri said this morning?” I asked. My voice sounded tighter than I intended.
“Then, tell me where you went. If it’s not a date, then where?” Mom replied. She started crossing her arms. “Listen, it’s not like I am forbidding you to have a boyfriend, but your exams are coming up soon. If you want to go on a date, at least do it after the exams,” Mom continued to interrogate me.
“I-I didn’t go on a date. I am being honest,” I answered.
“Then answer my question honestly if you are being honest!” I felt Mom’s patience crumble along with her voice. My hands started to gradually tremble. I knew right then that no matter what I said, it would never be enough to satisfy her demands. And I was not ready, I wasn’t ready at all.
“I w-went t-to s-study,” I repeated.
“With who?” Mom asked again.
“With a classmate…”
“Who is that classmate?”
“S-someone… someone in class…”
Mom touched her forehead, and her voice started getting louder when she spoke.
“I knew it would be someone from your class! That’s what a classmate means! Tell me, who did you really go with?”
“W-with… H-Hi—”
“Don’t lie to me!” Mom yelled. “Hina called Mika when I got to her house and I asked her there.”
Yui… just say with Yui… I immediately thought. But I already had gotten Mika and Hina into this. I couldn’t have all my friends get involved…
I shouldn’t have lied…
I took a breath. And another.
“I went… to study… with a boy from my class…” I said. Eyes closed while talking, lips bitten after.
“Where?” Mom pressed me.
“T-to the lib—” I stopped myself. If I lied again and she found out… “T-to his apartment.”
“Were his parents there?”
…
…
“...Yes.”
Mom suddenly stood up. I looked up at her in surprise.
“Stand up,” Mom said as she walked around the table. Then, in an instant, she grabbed my hand and pulled me. I fell down to my knees. I couldn’t properly stand because my knees felt weaker without me noticing. “Stand up!” she commanded a second time.
“Why?” I asked.
“We are going to this boy’s apartment to apologize to his parents. It’s still early. We can go there now and still have time to come back for dinner.”
“W-why are we going to apologize?”
“Because you were being insolent!” Mom’s voice was stabbing, sharp and guttural. “Going to their house to spend time alone with their son. I thought I raised you not to become this… indecent!”
“I was not! We were just studying! I swear!” My voice grew louder.
“Then stand up and let’s find out.”
I opened my mouth and I looked up at her. I just left my mouth open for a little while before my eyes decided to meet the floor. Then I started to bite my lips once more, a little harder this time. I was still on the ground and I felt the weight of my shoulder start to pile up. I had to use my other hand that my mom wasn’t holding to support my body, to not let myself fall entirely.
“N—” I tried to say one word, but a sob paused me. “N-no, his— sob, weren’t there— sob .”
Mom let go of my hand and I immediately used it to support myself against the floor. She got the answers she wanted. I should not have, but I tried to resist telling the truth, and every time I did, I was asked questions I couldn’t run from. And every time that I lied, every time she asked... My chest tightened and my breathing became shallow…
Tears started to drop directly to the floor. I closed my eyes to stop them, but they only changed direction down toward my cheeks, tracing half of them before dropping down. So, I just let it pour.
“Why did you lie to me?” Mom never intended to stop, and my heart sank deeper knowing that.
“I —sob, I— sob, didn’t, w-we— sob, we— sob, were just— sob, stu— sob— dying, I swear.”
“Do you really think I would believe that?”
“Bu— sob , But I— sob, I’m telling— sob , the truth!”
“Runa, you’re already in your second year of high school. You need to be more careful. Going to a boy’s house alone is inappropriate, and you should know that!” Mom’s lecturing continued. “And you also had to lie about Mika. You tried to lie about Hina, and you never even told me about this boy at all. How do you expect me to believe that you were just there to study and nothing else?”
Every point Mom made was delivered like cages stacking, trapping me. But instead of getting bigger on each stack, they got smaller. With each name she mentioned, they got smaller. With each lie she exposed, they got smaller. With each time I got accused, they got smaller. Until there was not enough space. Until there was no air left. Until there was nothing anymore but whimpers that I tried to control but failed miserably.
What would I do? What would I say? What would I even think?
I didn’t know…
I didn’t really know…
Someone… anyone… please…
Kuroiwa-kun.
A thought suddenly appeared.
The notebooks.
Right… the notebooks, the ones he made for me. If I only showed them to Mom, she would understand… Certainly she would…
I wiped the tears in my eyes, then gathered all the strength I had to hold on to the chair I sat in earlier. I pulled myself up to reach my bag I had left on the table. When I got back up, I hurriedly opened my bag. My hands were trembling, but I still managed to get all four notebooks out.
“Here, look at these, Mom— sob,” I said, my voice starting to sound steadier. I reached out my hands carrying the notebooks to her.
But…
Mom never even looked at them.
“Are you listening to me?” Mom only said. “How long are you going to be this reckless? You’re not a child anymore!”
“Mom, please— sob , I was studying. These are—”
All four notebooks fell to the ground. They felt heavier because of the trembling from my hands. I looked where they fell and I saw them scattered, some of them open, their pages folded by the way they fell. My eyes went wide. There was no way I had just ruined his efforts like that. I couldn’t bear it. I tried to bend to pick them up and fix them, but my mom grabbed my hand…
Why?
“Listen to me!” Mom yelled.
“M— sob, M-m— sob , Mom— sob, Le— sob , Let— sob, me— sob, go— sob, ” I tried.
“Sit down properly. I’m not done talking to you yet!” she insisted and didn’t let go of my hand.
So I cried. I felt helpless. My voice wasn’t just letting out sobs anymore. I whimpered, I bawled. I pulled my hand from her grasp and used both my hands to cross them over the table. I hid my face on top of them. And my heart tore, my head ached, and my whole body felt weak and exhausted.
How could she?
Because I deserved it…
Why isn’t she listening to me?
Because I had lied…
I never did anything wrong…
Did I really never?
I bit my lips and gripped my hand tighter. I wondered if Mom had started hating me. I wished that Dad was still here. And I started to—
I held that thought. I held that thought from my brain so hard I made my head ache worse. I loved my mom, I always did. She was always strict, I knew of that, but she had always been like a best friend to me, not just a mother. But right now, I felt like she was trying not to recognize those times we had together. I knew I was always stubborn and caused her trouble, but she knew that I wouldn’t actually go too far. This felt too unfair… I was just a daughter to her, after all.
The living room started to be filled with my own gasps, with me trying to tell Mom again that I wasn’t lying, that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, that I was just studying with him. But I couldn’t say anything coherently. They just came out as whimpers. And when I realized that, I just retreated and hid my face again. And I stayed like that for a while. I didn’t know how much time had passed. But I suddenly noticed my mom somehow ended up standing beside me, rubbing my back, trying to calm me down. But it took more time for me to settle down, more time to get used to the pain that was squeezing me tight.
Then everything went silent…
“I’m sorry,” Mom said, her voice calmer. “Here, drink some water.”
I raised my head just enough to see a glass of water placed in front of me. I didn’t even notice when she went to the kitchen to get it. On the corner of the table were the four notebooks that had been lying on the ground the last time I saw them. I reached for them instead and held them to my chest. Some of the notebooks still had pages folded inside their covers, and no matter how uncomfortable I was feeling, I tried to fix them. I wanted to fix them. I needed to.
I wonder if she saw what’s inside?
“Runa, I am not being like this to you for no reason. This is all for your own sake. I am just worried,” Mom said.
The dread of defeat settled heavily on my neck at the realization that Mom never even tried to at least peek. Otherwise, she would’ve asked me about them…
“I know you probably do not want to hear this again, but I just need to make sure you heard me. Going to a boy’s house when it’s just you and him is not appropriate. You're a girl and still young, and I am worried that you would do something that you would regret later in life. Think about your future first, think about graduation first, about college.” Mom’s voice started to sound firm again. She tried to soften it, but I knew she just wanted me to do exactly as she commanded.
I waited for more…
And after a few seconds, there was more…
“Were you planning to go again tomorrow, to this boy’s house?” Mom asked.
I nodded… then I heard her sigh.
“I’m sorry, but I am not going to allow it. Call Mika and Hina instead if you want to study.”
I nodded… while I bit my lips as hard as I could to prevent tears from welling up again.
I wanted to tell her that I needed this. That this was the only way left. That I already had Mika, Hina and even Yui to help me, and that we ended up asking for Kuroiwa-kun because we had failed. But how could I explain what happened next? That he gave me an unreasonable condition to accept, that he wanted me to go to his apartment alone, that he had given me a choice and yet I chose to go back. But he had also sacrificed a lot for me, sacrificed sleep to write notebooks for me, sacrificed his time so he could teach me. Would Mom be able to understand all of that? All of the fear, doubts and anxiety that I had to go through before I had seen what he could do? The hope, belief and confidence I gained after I had made progress because he helped me open my eyes and reveal what I could do?
She wouldn’t even listen to me…
And she would definitely get angrier if she found out all of that. So, I would just keep my mouth shut. She was always right anyway. And I was always wrong. And most of all, I already had no will to say anything anymore.
“Runa, please sit down properly,” Mom said softly. I followed her instructions.
I picked up the notebooks from the table and hid them between my chest and my arms.
“Here, drink water,” Mom offered.
I shook my head.
“I-I want to go back to my room,” I said.
…
…
“O—”
Before my mom finished giving me permission, I had already stood up and grabbed my bag. I quickly turned my back to her, and it hurt me that I had to act this way, but my feet kept moving fast. I slowed down when I reached the second floor and held the notebooks tighter as I entered my room. Then, as soon as I closed the door behind me, I realized that the afternoon had started to end. And the last light of the day had already begun to wither away…
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10:17 pm
I was staring at the ceiling. Just like every time I had tried to think, to reach within my thoughts. But my thoughts were not functioning properly. So many things, too many things that I didn’t know which ones to think first.
A few hours ago, Ruri opened the door and peeked slightly inside my room. I caught her from the corner of my eye looking like a lost puppy. But I didn’t get the urge to pamper her or even talk to her. I just didn’t have the strength to even try.
“I’m sorry, Ru-nee.” I heard her whisper from the door. She sounded sad. But she didn’t come in. Soon after, she closed the door.
I didn’t react, but it wasn’t like I was blaming her. I wouldn’t blame her. Never. I just wasn’t normal. I was just hurt.
Afterwards, Mom called me at least five times for dinner. Once after she was done cooking. Probably around seven at night. That was when she usually prepared the food. When I did not answer, she would come to my room and check on me. I would pretend to be sleeping under my blanket. She would sigh every time, but she would close the door without saying anything.
The second was an hour after, the third was a few minutes after the second, the fourth was another hour after the third. And the last time was just a few minutes ago.
Mom placed the dish she had cooked, a bowl of rice, and a glass of water on my study desk. Then she sat down on my bed. She touched my arm and started explaining herself. I wasn’t really listening. I wasn’t in the mood. All I remembered she had said was that she was once a teenager like me, and she had done things that she was now regretting. But why was she comparing me to herself? When I wasn’t doing the things she had done. I didn’t even know what she did. I might have skipped a lot of details, but I wasn’t too keen to remember everything.
I inhaled some air. Then a few seconds later I let it out.
My hand searched for my bag, and when it touched something, I looked at it. One of the notebooks that was lying beside me. I tried to search with my eyes this time, and when I saw my bag, I grabbed it. My phone was inside. I had put it in there after I found it by the main entrance this afternoon. I held it with my hands then turned on the screen.
Notifications appeared, many of them. Missed calls and private messages. From Mika, from Hina and from Yui. I opened the messages from each one of them to see what they said. Mika was apologizing for not covering for me. She said she wasn’t ready to fabricate anything at that time when my mom suddenly visited her. It was okay. It wasn't her fault. It was my fault for bringing up her name when I talked to Mom during breakfast. Hina was apologizing for not thinking of any excuse when my mom asked Mika to talk to Hina when she called. It was okay. It wasn't her fault. I almost even used her name to tell a lie. Yui was asking how I was doing. And all I could do was think about how, at the time, I had wanted to use her for another lie. And I didn’t like myself for even thinking about using Yui for another excuse.
I had been biting my lips a lot this afternoon, and I felt the soreness still wasn’t enough to prevent myself from doing it again. But I was careful this time. It was just, I couldn’t let my tears overwhelm me again. I didn’t even know if I could still cry. But I found out the answer quickly when a small tear managed to escape my eye and travelled down to my ear.
I wiped it.
I apologized to Mika, I apologized to Hina, I apologized to Yui. I did so on our group chat, and all three of them replied with concern. I told them what happened, but I told them not to worry. Yui said she would have been fine if I had told Mom I was with her.
But I wouldn’t…
I couldn’t…
The group chat had been lively for a while. Yui and Hina did most of the talking. Mika would reply from time to time but would stay mostly silent. In their own way, they tried to make me feel better. I did. But only a little bit.
I told them I had to go to sleep afterwards. Yui sent me a ‘good night’ with a lot of hug emojis. Hina told me to sleep well and that I should rest properly. Mika was quiet. But it was fine. I placed my phone on top of my bed. Then, it suddenly rang.
I accepted the call.
“Hello? Runa? How are you feeling?” It was Mika, her voice filled with concern.
“I’m fine,” I answered.
“You don’t sound like you're fine.”
I didn’t reply.
“Hey, you can talk to me about it. Let’s talk,” Mika insisted.
I contemplated. I tried to arrange my thoughts first.
“Mika…” I said. My voice started to break, but I managed. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize again. In fact, there’s nothing for you to apologize for. It’s fine, Runa..”
“I shouldn’t have lied, I shouldn’t have gotten you involved.”
“It’s okay, Runa. Really.”
“D-did— sob , Mom—”
I went silent…
“She didn’t do anything, she came here and asked where you were. I couldn’t answer because I still remembered last night when she was scolding you. I got intimidated. I’m sorry,” Mika said.
My voice started shaking again, so I didn’t respond.
“I tried to contact you earlier, but you weren’t answering,” Mika continued.
“I dropped my phone and left it at home,” I said.
“Oh… that explains it.”
“Yeah…”
There was silence for a few seconds. But it felt far longer than that. I could sense Mika feeling the misfortune I got from what I thought was a little incident. It was actually bigger than I thought.
“So,” Mika broke the silence, “how do you really feel right now?”
“...Tired.”
“Do you want to go to sleep?”
“Yeah.”
“Tomorrow, will you go?”
That question drilled a massive hole inside my heart. And the tears started flowing without me permitting them. I opened my mouth to respond, but the whimpers shook my breath, and I knew, at that point, that I would become a mess again.
“Runa?” Mika called my name.
I tried to compose myself one last time.
“I— sob, I was for— sob, forbidden to go.” I managed somehow.
Mika stayed silent.
“I— sob, I think— sob, I have to— sob, go…” I said.
…
“...Okay, you can call me anytime if you need to, alright? Just remember that I am always here for you. Good night,” Mika replied.
I ended the call and dropped my phone on my bed. I used both my hands to cover my eyes, but I just wouldn’t stop. This time I was alone in my room. There was no reason to try to manage every little drop, every little shake, every little gasp. I just let them all happen, I just let the pain take over me.
I helplessly cried on my bed. Then, I noticed the notebooks beside me. I immediately collected all of them. All four of them, I checked if they were okay. Although my sight had become blurry because of the tears, I continued until I knew for sure that they were all fine. I pressed them to my chest afterwards and hugged them to protect them. I didn’t know from what, just protect them.
Then I started to calm down. Time had passed, maybe 20 minutes or 30. My pillows ended up soaked in tears. I raised my hand toward it while the notebooks were still secured tightly with my embrace.
I thought about this morning, about Mom, about Ruri, and about my phone falling out of my bag. I thought about sitting in the entrance lobby, the walking past his apartment room without me noticing, and the time I got too close to his face to confront him because he just let me. I thought about the book, the blank notebook I had to write into, and how tired I felt after two hours of writing.
Then…
I thought about that break. That time we were waiting for the rice to be cooked. That time I had listened to my exhaustion. And I was curious, and I just did what I did…
Rei…
I thought about him…
And as my eyes started closing with another set of tears coming out my eyes. I answered my body’s call to sleep. The comfort it wanted. I laid a finger from my hand to my tear-soaked pillow right beside my eyes. The same finger that touched his.
And the last thing I remembered after that…
It was something I thought he would never show… The face that I thought I would never see…