Chapter 9: Growth

Saturday. 11:38 am.

About two hours ago, Kuroiwa asked me,

‘How do you learn English?’

What did I answer? Well of course, I said my favorite reply, ‘I don’t know’. Because surely if I had known, I wouldn’t have asked for anyone’s help to study.

Kuroiwa said, ‘ If you want to learn how to pronounce, then listen. If you want to learn grammar, then read. If you want to learn how to communicate, then speak. If you want to remember the words, then write.’

I didn’t know if they were true. All I knew was to trust his words.

And I regret that I did…

And here I was, two hours later, sitting in front of this table, holding a pen, writing on a blank page of another blank notebook he gave me earlier. I copied every letter, every word, every sentence of the book I always saw him read whenever I came to his apartment. And every time I copied a word, I had to read it out loud.

Because apparently, ‘ The most effective way to learn is to write, read what you write, say what you read, and listen to what you say.’

And the result… I had already filled too many pages of this once blank notebook. Because every time I misspelled, misread, misspoke and mispronounced just one word, I had to start from the very beginning.

My arms were tired, my eyes were tired, my hands, fingers and my feet tucked under me while I sat. Every piece of my body was tired.

The worst part was, five minutes ago, Kuroiwa went to the kitchen. And it seemed like he was not intending to come back.

I took a peek at him. Kuroiwa looked like he was preparing something. I heard the sizzling sound from the pan, the exhaust fan was turned on at the top of the stove, sucking in all the smoke the pan he was using made, and because of that, none of the aroma travelled toward the living room. Maybe he was frying the fish that he bought this morning? But, the most important thing was, it seemed like whatever he was doing in there, was where he glued his attention.

So maybe…

I stretched my legs under the table. I had to lean sideways for me to do it. Carefully, I set aside the notebook and the book he told me to copy, then I slumped my face, my chest, and my stomach on top of the table, my hands extended to reach the other end. And then… Heaven… Finally…

If I was being lazy, it was because Kuroiwa left me all alone at the table.

Kuroiwa could’ve told me to rest. I thought.

“Write.” I heard.

Kuroiwa spoke from the kitchen.

Ugh…

I straightened my back reluctantly, leaned backwards, used my hands to support my back, and tilted my head backward to watch what Kuroiwa was doing.

Kuroiwa was still busy, and it seemed like he was busy enough to not even lay an eye toward me. So how could he notice I was slacking? I stuck out a little bit of my tongue toward him briefly when I knew he wasn’t fully paying attention to me. Then I sat properly in front of the table and went back to copying the book and writing in the notebook.

I flipped the book from where I stopped. Starting from the first page of the first chapter.

One… two… three… four… five…

Five pages. I was already able to write this much without going back from the start? I went back to the notebook I was writing in. Counted the pages I had filled.

Twenty-three… twenty-four… twenty-five…

Twenty-five pages from the first page, in two hours…

I thought about it for a second, then turned my eyes toward the notebooks that I placed inside my bag. Those notebooks were twice as thick as the one he gave me earlier, but they also had around a quarter of each of them filled. Almost twice as many as I had written today. At least, if you compared them side by side, or counted them.

I went silent. This was still the biggest mystery to me. Why? Why would he do this…

“Let’s take a break,” Kuroiwa said as he approached the living room. I watched him walk around the sofas then stopped at the opposite side of the low table.

I set aside the notebook and the book after closing them as fast as I could. All I could think about at that moment was, finally, finally I was going to take the official break that I deserved. I lifted both my arms in the air and stretched them along with my back. I felt a bit of relief, but I still felt the tiredness that the two hour session had left me with.

Suddenly a faint warm aroma entered my nose. I closed my eyes and savored the smell for a few seconds, then opened them to look at Kuroiwa.

“I didn’t know you could cook,” I said.

“Somewhat,” Kuroiwa replied.

“Did you fry the fish you bought this morning?”

“Yes.”

“I see…”

One word answers again…

I felt defeated that I slumped down just like earlier. My entire upper body on top of the table, arms stretched toward Kuroiwa’s end, barely touching his hands that he placed there. Then, I noticed he was about to pull them away.

I pouted.

“Don’t move… just stay there…” I said. My voice wasn’t demanding. But it was a little bit higher pitched than I intended to. Softer than I wanted to. Gentler than I imagined it to sound.

I knew I was partly at fault for why he was trying to put distance between us. But for some reason, right now, I didn’t want that distance at all. Of course, I hadn’t forgotten about the reason why I did what I did yesterday afternoon, the condition that Kuroiwa had given. Obviously, I hated it. Obviously, I wasn’t intending to acknowledge it. Even though I came here asking for his help. Obviously, it wasn’t enough reason to lay it out as a consequence for my failure.

But…

I still chose to believe in him in the end. To trust Kuroiwa’s words, that he wouldn’t let me fail. And he actually showed me why I should, he taught me, patiently and diligently. And whenever I wrote into the page of the blank notebooks that he always gave me, whether for solutions and answers or for copying a chapter of a book, it gave me a clear path to follow. And whenever I saw the progress that I was making before me, it made me feel relieved. It reminded me to be at ease, trust the road I was about to step on, and follow him where he was leading me to. Not blindly, of course.

I lifted the top of my head so that my chin was on the table. I looked at Kuroiwa’s eyes. They were not looking at me or my hands near his. They were directed somewhere. Probably toward the kitchen, or probably at the sofa behind me. I didn’t know, I didn’t want to follow his gaze, but I looked at his eyes far longer than I realized.

“You told me… you had a part time job before, right?” I asked. “What was it?”

“I worked for a restaurant,” he answered, still not looking at me for some reason. But I was focusing more on his lips moving, and they distracted me. Because he did not just open his mouth once or twice, he spoke a whole sentence. “It was only a small restaurant though.”

I smiled, a little.

“Why did you work there?”

“Because I figured, if I worked at the counter I would be able to learn how to socialize properly.”

“Really? Did you?”

“No, I was put in the kitchen.”

“Aw, well, at least they thought you were good at cooking, that’s why they placed you in the kitchen instead.”

“Probably.”

I puckered my lips to the side. One word, I didn’t like that. So, I tried again.

“When did you quit?”

“Tuesday this week, after we talked in the classroom.”

I went quiet for a second. I wanted to lift my head but I couldn’t. Instead I tilted it sideways toward my arm to use it as a pillow.

“You quit before you knew I’d come?”

“Partly.”

“What if I didn’t come here?”

“Then, I would have more time to practice, or I'd just find another job.”

Kuroiwa was more reckless than I thought. I thought he would answer ‘I know you would come’, but in the end, he didn’t even know what to expect.

I laughed. Quiet. Brief.

But it was soon replaced by the other things Kuroiwa had said.

For him to learn how to socialize .

I understood what Kuroiwa meant, because he was being avoided at school, ever since he was still in elementary school. I could explain why he was being avoided now. But I couldn’t imagine what he could have felt when he was still just a child. Isolated in a place where he spent most of his time. No one to talk to, no one who would talk to him. People would just go the opposite way whenever they saw him.

It was something different for me. Mika had been with me since kindergarten, then Hina in fifth grade of elementary school, and Yui in middle school. I had friends that I grew up with, that I had been with. And that is why, I couldn’t believe he traded something important for something uncertain… for something that he didn’t need to care about… for me…

“Were you glad I came?” I whispered.

I didn’t know if Kuroiwa heard me. I didn’t bother to listen if he did. Instead, I settled even more to where I was, to what I was doing, and to what I was thinking. I wasn’t looking at his eyes anymore. I was staring at his hands. Those hands that made me pull back just yesterday. And now, I was looking at them in a different way.

I pulled my arm back a little then aimed my hand directly at Kuroiwa’s hand. Slowly, I moved it closer. Every inch my fingers traced on top of the table was a line I was drawing to bridge a gap I never intended to exist. Every second I counted, every breath I felt. I was just looking. I was just reaching. Carefully. Silently.

Five inches… three inches…

Kuroiwa lifted his hand a little.

“Don’t move,” I said, the same way I did the first time. Except, this time, I knew I was pleading.

He let it down. Then there was only an inch left before my hand touched his. I stopped.

I let my hand rest before that inch of a gap, but my eyes never rested. I looked at Kuroiwa’s hand with a lot of interest, with curiosity. Examined it like it was a piece of architecture sculpted into art. It wasn’t quite as elegant as you would think a piece of art could be. It was bigger than mine. Rough. Long fingers. I couldn’t see his palm entirely as it was facing down, but I could see callouses that had formed on them. A few, but everywhere.

This hand before my eyes was supposed to be dangerous. Something he would use to claim his condition. But I didn’t know why I was seeing it differently, right now…

Maybe, because this hand was the hand that patiently taught me, that diligently showed me how to solve an equation, that was always careful. The hand that he used to write and fill a quarter of thick notebooks, nine thick notebooks. Twenty five pages already took two hours for me. I couldn’t imagine the exhaustion, the time, and care he put into writing nine notebooks that were almost twice as much as I had written today. With a lot of details. With a lot of thought.

And he did all that… for me…”

Yui had always insisted that Kuroiwa did what he did for a deeper reason. A reason which was something more than just helping me. I had denied it every time. But right now, I was wondering…

Maybe…

I lifted my finger. The one between my middle finger and my thumb. It grazed the tip of Kuroiwa’s index finger and I laid it there, just touching, just resting.

Kuroiwa’s condition was about touching me. Five minutes for every subject I failed. But he never said specifically what that meant. This right now, was still touching.

I pressed my finger to his. Not deep, but shallow. I stayed there for a while.

I waited…

Maybe, if this was the kind of touch he was talking about. Maybe five minutes of this wouldn’t be that bad.

My eyes narrowed, still staring, still observing. Kuroiwa did not move as I told him. But the flutter in my stomach did. And it moved upward to my chest, but it was completely different from yesterday. It was something I had never felt before, something I wasn’t sure of, and something that stung through my chest but embraced me with warmth afterwards.

I circled my finger on top of Kuroiwa’s nail, then moved upward to the skin just below his nail. I tapped it, and he moved it. I giggled and tapped it again. It didn’t move this time.

This felt comfortable, like familiar. My eyes started to close on their own, and my finger rested on top of his.

Maybe… it would be fine… to actually think about it…

Was there something more? More than just to help.

I didn’t know what answer I would want to hear from Kuroiwa. I didn’t know if I really wanted an answer coming from him at all. Yet I wanted to explore, to search for it, to find the answer myself.

I lifted my finger from Kuroiwa’s. I folded it and tried to lift his finger. I did it a few times until Kuroiwa realized what I wanted him to do, and he did. I placed my finger below his, which was now lifted. I waited. His finger would occasionally drop, and when he touched mine, he would lift it up again. But eventually, slowly, carefully, and gently, he laid his finger on mine and stayed there.

Kuroiwa’s calloused finger was rough on top of mine. But I felt his warmth… faintly… yet tenderly…

One more second… I wanted this moment to last… just give me one more second…

“Uhh… Miyase-san?” I finally heard him talk. I still kept my eyes closed. “Th-... uhh… the rice…”

Was he stuttering? What was going on?

I opened my eyes and peeked at his face.

Kuroiwa was hiding it, but I saw it. He was facing the other way and from the corner of his cheek… It was red. Blushing. I had never seen him like this before.

My eyes widened then I felt skin under my finger. And suddenly I realized what I had just been doing for the past five minutes.

I pulled my finger, stood straight and looked the opposite direction from where Kuroiwa was looking. He stood up, fast, the fastest I had seen him move.

“I-I am just going to… uhh… the kitchen,” he said, trying to maintain his usual tone. He was mostly successful but the way he stuttered said otherwise. When I looked at him, he wasn’t walking the same way he usually did. It was still slow, but not as precise and controlled as before. Stiff. Unsteady.

Once he left the living room, I checked myself. There was heat building in my cheeks. I couldn’t believe it. What was I doing? What was I thinking?

I lowered my head and covered my cheeks with both hands. I never intended that. Was I really that tired that I just did whatever my curious mind asked of me? Mika was right, I was too impulsive.

“Oh my god,” I whispered to myself. And inside I was screaming. My thoughts were scrambling.

I just stood there, not moving.

“Miyase-san, the rice is ready,” Kuroiwa said, his voice steadier than a few minutes ago. “I cooked two portions, enough for both of us, so if you don’t mind, you can eat lunch here.”

“Okay,” I replied.

I let go of my face. I pouted for a second. It seemed like Kuroiwa recovered fast from what just happened. While I was still contemplating why I did what I did.

That doesn’t seem fair! I thought.

I took a deep breath before I decided to walk toward the kitchen. I was slow, reluctant even. I didn’t look in Kuroiwa’s direction. I just walked.

“That one's for you,” Kuroiwa said.

A portion was already set on the dining table. I quietly went and sat down before it. I breathed in for a second, and let it out soon after, then pressed my hands together.

“Thanks for the food,” I said.

I stared at the dish. Golden crisped skin, perfectly fried salmon. The color was still tinted with pink while the fat glistened all over it. The aroma I faintly smelled earlier now reached my nose with a clear savory smell. My stomach reacted. This looked good. It was a simple fried salmon but it looked like it was cooked by some famous chef.

I wanted to look at Kuroiwa but I resisted. I wanted to marvel at him for his ability to cook but the embarrassment still lingered in my cheeks.

“This dish is good for the brain,” Kuroiwa said as I felt him sitting at the opposite side of the table. At the other end, diagonally from me.

I sulked on it for a bit. Even after all that, there was still a gap between us.

Well, this is Kuroiwa after all.

I sighed.

I took the chopsticks that were carefully placed beside the bowl of rice. I was getting impatient to try Kuroiwa’s cooking but then I realized something felt strange.

Kuroiwa did recover fast, at least that was how it seemed. He was talking with his flat voice again, and when he was not talking, he would be quiet like always. But this quiet seemed different. If he truly was himself again, he would already be eating by now. But there was no movement from him except when he sat down.

I had to answer the calls of my curiosity. So, I tilted my head a little bit to glance at him from the corner of my eye. Then I saw him, still facing the other way, still not looking at me.

I suddenly sat straight and fully turned my head to gaze at him.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” I asked.

Still not moving his head, Kuroiwa slowly pressed his hands together.

“Thanks for the food,” Kuroiwa said. He lifted his bowl of rice and turned. His whole body was now facing the other way, instead of toward the table.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing…”

“Are you being shy?”

Kuroiwa stood up, carrying his dish along with his bowl of rice.

“I-I think I’m going to eat in the living room,” Kuroiwa said.

“Why?”

Kuroiwa didn’t answer. Even though his back was turned to me, I saw his shoulders move up and down as he took a deep breath. And another.

“Sorry,” Kuroiwa said, and just like that, he continued to walk the way he usually did toward the living room.

I giggled.

That was something. It was so unexpected. And to think he could actually make expressions other than his stern and strict exterior, but his interior actually carried more than what he had shown.

I stared at the dish Kuroiwa cooked. Then I smiled. I picked up the chopsticks and lifted the bowl of rice with my hand. I pinched a piece of the salmon and put it inside my mouth.

I chewed…

I chewed some more…

I tilted my head. There was something wrong. I looked at the dish. It was presented so well that the dish itself was tempting me to eat it just by staring at it. I couldn’t resist, so I pinched another portion. I put it in my mouth and chewed.

It was bland. There was not enough salt put in it. It was still edible but…

I laughed. I laughed for a few seconds. I looked at Kuroiwa and I knew he was trying not to stare at me but I got his attention from laughing too hard.

“Sorry,” I said, then he continued eating peacefully again. I was a little bit worried that maybe he would think I was strange for laughing suddenly by myself. But, Kuroiwa had always been subverting all my expectations of him. It was all unexpected. Especially this time, I was really surprised.

I thought Kuroiwa was a delinquent at first, but it turned out he was more gentle than how I had seen him. I thought he would be scary, but it turned out he was more caring than he had shown. He could be inconsiderate at times, considerate at other times, or sometimes both. Clumsy, hard working, dense, and thoughtful, he was a mess scattered around a maze of strangeness. Something that I was being tempted to solve. And now, I was completely tempted.

I took more bites of the salmon. I ate some of the rice too.

The more I ate the fish, I smiled. And whenever I did, the fish suddenly tasted sweeter.

…

…

…

It was still bland after all…

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4:06 pm.

The sky was still blue, but the clouds were now starting to show patches of orange sewn into them. The walk home felt lighter than I remembered, almost like I was floating on each step. I thought of what happened after lunch. The study sessions started a little bit slower compared to this morning. Kuroiwa would be less strict than usual, and I would be less focused than I had liked. But in the end, his strictness came back and I was forced to focus, because otherwise I would have to start from the very beginning. Science and Japanese literature. There was another subject after those two, supposedly. But I had promised Mom that I would come home before dinner. I supposed there was still time, but I wouldn’t really want to explore that time since I really didn’t want to deal with Mom’s wrath if I had to be late because I wanted to stay for a few more minutes. So I told him. He said it was fine, but also said that I had to come earlier tomorrow, eight in the morning. I had stared at him narrowly with my eyes flat, briefly.

Well, I guessed I had to wake up early in the morning then.

I asked him if he was going to walk me to the station. Kuroiwa hesitated, flustered, and started stuttering again when he answered. As soon as my eyes were like that, a smile had formed on my lips. I felt the urge to tease him. I didn’t know why, but it seemed like seeing more of Kuroiwa unbalanced felt amusing. I was making him that way, and I felt I was the only one who could do it. Too bad I had to leave though.

Next time... I’d tease him next time. I thought.

I chuckled for a bit. I had been giggling all afternoon, all to myself. And I couldn’t believe that just this morning I almost felt like the world was going to end. It didn’t end, and in fact, the world had grown. It had grown bigger so that with just a simple reach of my hand, I could pluck away any star from the sky, whichever I wanted, whenever I wanted. At least, that was how I felt. But I didn’t know why. I didn’t care why. I just wanted it.

Just a few walks away before I reached home, I could already see it ahead of me. I slowed down. I didn’t want this to end yet. If I reached the door of my house. If I turned the knob and entered. This fond feeling I had inside me. Would it go away?

I passed by Mika’s house, and I stared where the window of her room was. I wondered what she was doing right now. Probably, she was still studying.

Finally I reached home. I opened the small gate and looked below the main entrance door. I searched thoroughly. My phone wasn’t there. I closed the gate behind me and went inside the house. I searched the floor. Still wasn’t there.

“I’m home,” I announced.

I bent down and lifted my foot behind me to remove my sandal. I used the cabinet where our shoes usually were stored to balance myself. After I was done, I stood up. When my eyes scanned the area for another attempt to find my phone, I found it at the top of the cabinet. Relief came out with my breath.

“I found you!” I shouted in joy.

A whole day without my phone, I couldn’t believe I even survived. But now that I was reunited with it, there was no way I would let it go, ever again.

I turned the screen on. A few notifications had shown up, from the private group chat I had with my friends, swipe, from Yui, swipe, from Hina, swipe, and from other classmates. I swiped all of them. I just wanted to see. I’d reply to them later after I was able to change.

But one notification caught my eye, the one from Mika.

I tapped on it.

Mika: I’m sorry, Runa…

I stared at my phone for a few moments.

Why?

I was in the middle of reading the rest of what Mika messaged me when my mom suddenly appeared from the living room doorway. My head turned to her.

“Come inside the living room. We need to talk,” Mom said.

My fingers stopped, my breathing stopped, my heart stopped.

Mom’s voice, when she asked me to talk, was firm, was strict and was filled with authority. Not the voice I wanted to hear when I just got home.

Deep breaths. The day was not ending yet.

And when I thought everything was starting to feel better, I had a feeling that it was about to get worse.