Chapter 8: Seed

Saturday. Morning.

The morning rays of the sun warmly coated my room with their light. The glimmer carefully caressed the sheet of my bed which made it look like the white was glowing. A small portion of it softly graced my desk with its touch. It was where I sat last night to be diligent with my studies. Light entered my windows while they were open and that allowed me to hear the songs of sparrows bathing in its radiance. Peacefully. Gracefully.

In the corner, across my bed, I stood in front of the mirror stand. I was applying my makeup, just a while ago, but it took me about thirty minutes to decide how I would present myself out into the world. Not like the whole world would see me, after all, I just didn’t like going out without any makeup. I examined my face one last time, checking to see if I had applied them right. Light blushing cheeks on top of a thin foundation. Pink painted on my lips. A subtle eyeliner drawn to highlight my round eyes. The hazel inside shone beautifully, just like I intended. And the small mole under my eye was deliberately untouched, so it would be seen, to what I considered to be somewhat charming.

I turned my head to the right, turned it to the left, lifted it up a little, then dragged it down to my chin. I thoroughly analyzed every angle of my face. And when I was done, I tilted my head and winked.

Perfect.

Now it was time to inspect my clothes. I wasn’t sure what to wear earlier. I was trying to decide between two options…

A light blue lace blouse. Delicate floral lace decorated each shoulder before moving inward to meet at the center of the chest, where it blended into the solid fabric that covered the rest of the blouse. Beneath it, I was planning to wear a fitted pink camisole that would peek through the lace.

Or…

A soft yellow blouse with a modest V-neck. Its flutter sleeves began at the shoulders but split open along the upper arm, revealing a bit of the skin. The frilly lower half draped over my arm, remaining attached to the blouse instead of hanging separately.

After fifteen minutes of deliberation, I chose the latter and paired it with my favorite skin-tight jeans that hugged my legs that ran down on top of my ankles.

I turned to the right, turned to the left.

Perfect.

I nodded. Proud.

My eyes started navigating their way toward my hair. Blonde. Not naturally, I started dyeing my hair since I was in 2nd year of middle school. Not particularly because I was trying to follow a certain style, but because during 2nd year of middle school, I once saw a foreign drama, subtitled, and the lead actress had beautiful long hair which was, to my eyes, glittered like gold and I ended up mesmerized by it. I tried to imitate what I saw, wavy, loose, long. I liked it ever since, and I started liking it even more now.

I still remember the first day I dyed my hair though, my Mom was too shocked that she wasn’t able to say any coherent words for about five minutes before she proceeded to lecture me. I kept doing it anyway. Every day Mom told me to dye it back, every day I didn’t. Dad was still not working overseas that time so I had someone to calm her down and take my side. He wouldn’t be angry. He would just smile and explain to my Mom that it wasn’t that bad, that it was just a way to express myself. In fact I did look cuter with blonde hair. Until eventually she stopped complaining about it. It took about a year, but there were still a few months of that look of disapproval. And eventually, from last year, Mom started to help me dye my hair.

I giggled from the memory. I missed having Dad around but I had learned to let the memory be filled with warmth instead of sadness.

I went toward my desk where I prepared my usual earrings. My hands sorted them out first, then I picked them up one by one and started wearing them. After I had worn the last one, I went to my bed to put my phone inside my shoulder bag. The notebooks Kuroiwa had told me to bring had already filled up all the space inside it. Again, I marveled at how thick they were, seeing that four notebooks could already make my bag full. But I needed to take my phone with me. I unzipped my bag and put my phone on top of the notebooks. Then the door opened.

“Ru-nee,” my favorite and only little sister showed up when I turned.

“Ruri!” I said half loud, half careful. I didn’t want to catch my Mom’s attention. I hurriedly went to her then covered her with my embrace. Ruri was still rubbing her eyes and yawning. She was so cute that I just started rubbing her head. “Good morning, did you just wake up?”

“Mmm.” She nodded and looked at me with her adorable eyes. “Ru-nee, where are you going?”

I picked her up and we sat down on my bed. I let Ruri sit on my lap.

“I’m going out to study,” I said.

“What? You’re going to study again?” Ruri protested.

“I’m sorry, but onee-chan needs to study for the exam.”

“Nooo. Stay. You already went studying last week, you promised we’re going to play today.”

“Next time, okay? After the exam.”

Ruri didn’t seem to approve of my compromise. Her eyes and her pout were the evidence. She can be too spoiled at times. Well, it was mostly my fault. Ever since she was a baby, I had already been adoring and spoiling her. I wonder what it would be like if she was just a year or two years younger.

I smiled at her. But her pout never faded. Then, she noticed my makeup.

“You look much prettier today,” she said.

“Really?” I smiled.

“Yeah, Ru-nee, you’re already pretty even without makeup, why are you putting it on?”

“Well, you will understand when you grow up,” I said and I poked her nose each time I spoke my next words, “Just. Like. Me.”

“Can I try?” Ruri asked.

“You’re still too young, Ruri.”

“But I’m already ten.”

“You’re only allowed to wear it when you become as tall as me, okay?” I lifted my free hand and hung it in the air, about three feet high with palms facing down, and my elbows bent slightly. “You’re still this short, see?”

“I am not that short,” Ruri pouted as she complained.

I giggled. Ruri was short. And just like Mika, she didn’t like being called short. But when she pouted, I felt strings being pulled inside my heart. And while she was pouting, my fingers couldn’t resist gently pinching both her cheeks and carefully pulling them a bit so I wouldn’t hurt her.

“Eergh,” Ruri’s cute voice made a sound while I gave in to what my hands wanted on her cheeks. “Ee, hurz,” she mumbled.

I let go of her cheeks then softly rubbed them.

“Sorry~” I said with a bit of glee.

“Mmmnnnnn.”

Ruri quickly buried her face into my chest in frustration then pulled away just as quickly. She looked at me. I saw the animation of her eyebrows slowly trying to touch each other. I knew she was being suspicious. I just smiled at her, somehow I thought she was just going to be silly.

“Are you going to go on a date?” she asked.

Okay, she wasn’t going to be silly after all.

“N-no, I said I am going to go study, right?”

“But you're going out too early, and Mika-nee is not here telling you to hurry…” Ruri never stopped her interrogation. “Hii-chan told me her older sister goes out early too, when she’s going on a date.”

“I’m not going on a date, I promise.”

“Then let me come with you.”

“I can’t, I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

I replied to all of Ruri’s demands as gently as I could. But if she started to be like this, it was going to be hard to convince her. She always wanted things to go her way. And I was to be blamed. I turned her into this. Into the cute, selfish, little monster that she had become. Adorable. Precious. Lovely.

“I’m sorry, Ruri. I really can’t take you with me.” I tried. I knew I would fail.

“Nooooooooooo. I wanna come, I want to. Stay. Please. Ru-nee.”

And there it went. Ruri’s tantrums. She was flailing her hands and feet on my lap. She was being difficult. But I couldn’t really make her stop. I wouldn’t want to get angry at her. I wouldn’t.

I sighed. But I smiled.

“I’m telling Mom that you have a boyfriend,” Ruri said after she stopped her tantrums.

My eyes became wide.

“No,” I said. “I’m not going on a date.”

“You are,” she insisted.

I opened my mouth but I couldn’t say anything. She was going to tell Mom no matter what. I had to think first before saying anything.

“Uh, Ruri, well. I promise okay? I am going to play with you when I get home,” I negotiated. I hoped this would work. “Just don’t tell Mom anything unnecessary. And I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Really?” she asked.

“Yes,” I nodded as I answered. I took a quick glance at the clock hanging above my door. Eight thirty-six.

I patted her hair and let her down from my lap.

“Onee-chan is about to go now, wait for me, alright?” I continued.

She wasn’t saying anything, she was just looking at me. I didn’t really know how to take that. But I was supposed to arrive at Kuroiwa’s apartment at nine in the morning. And I was definitely going to be late.

I stood up and Ruri went out running before me. I grabbed my shoulder bag without looking at it. I held it with my hand as I stepped out of my room and closed the door that she left open then hurriedly went down the stairs. She was standing below the stairs, right across the doorway of the living room. As soon as I arrived at the entrance, I placed my shoulder bag beside me, and started putting on my sandals.

Ruri shouted towards Mom.

“Mom! Ru-nee is going to go on a date with her boyfriend!” Ruri declared.

I looked at her briefly, eyes wide open. But I didn’t have any time left so I finished tying the last knot of my sandal as fast as I could.

And then I heard Mom.

“What?” It came from the kitchen.

“He’s not my boyfriend!” I shouted back. “I’m leaving, I’ll be back before dinner!!” I grabbed my bag and went out running from the house before Mom had a chance to interrogate me again like last night. I felt something fall out from my bag by the entrance while I was still inside, but I had no time to look back.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

9:16 am.

The optics from my eyes coldly coated the entrance of the lobby with their sadness. Their glimmer carefully left as they caressed the floor which made the place seem darker. A small portion of it softly graced my breaths with sighs. And in the corner was where I sat at that moment to be diligent as I waited. Light spilled through the main door whenever it opened for the few people that were coming and going, allowing me to hear the sounds of their shoes as they bathed in my own silence. Sullenly. Pitifully.

I embraced my knees as I sat down quietly.

I arrived at Kuroiwa’s apartment on time, even early. When I rang the intercom, no one was answering. And on top of that, when I searched for my phone in my shoulder bag, it was open this whole time. Then I remembered something had fallen out when I was hurrying to leave the house.

Everything was going wrong. Everything was totally wrong.

I sighed. Then I buried my face into my knees.

Besides, where did Kuroiwa even go? He told me to come here at nine and he was the one missing.

…Or was he ignoring me?

My eyes twitched a little.

I didn’t care anymore. Exams, studying, taking notes, top ten… all of it. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know what was happening. He just let me wait for him like this. Whenever people passed by, all I could do was just turn my head away from their gaze, pretending I couldn’t see them. Because not seeing them made me feel like they were not seeing me.

I sighed again and dug deeper beneath my knees.

If he made me wait a little longer, he would definitely hear a lot of words from me. I’ll try to be angry, at least.

…I’ll give him five more minutes…

…

…

I had nothing to do. I was bored. I couldn’t even watch any videos to pass time. Five minutes was too long.

Kuroiwa Rei!!!

I shouted his name inside my thoughts while I stood up. I looked at the main entrance of the building trying to summon him by the automated door. With my eyes!

Then it opened…

Hmm?

Then a shadow…

I tilted my head.

Then it was him slowly entering the building…

It worked?

“Hey!” I said without meaning to. “Where have you been?” I sharpened my tone, as it was softer the first time.

Kuroiwa stopped when he heard me. He turned his head toward me and just stared. I stared back. I furrowed my eyebrows. I tried my best to out intimidate this guy with intimidating eyes. I was not going to lose. Not after what just happened.

…

…

“The English word ‘Complicated’, what does it mean?” he asked.

I blinked.

Was he really going to do this right now? In the lobby? Where people would come and go, and the possibility of an awkward situation appearing because we were just standing here looking at each other's eyes, and somebody could pass by us, and I would get embarrassed because I had been here for twenty minutes.

“Why are you asking me this now?” I whispered. I leaned forward to Kuroiwa even though we were a few feet apart. I didn’t need to whisper, but I felt that I really had to.

“Just answer the question,” he demanded with his usual flat voice.

I had to deal with an incredibly cute stubborn person earlier today.

Do I really have to deal with another one?

A worse one, even…

“I-I don’t know,” I answered while straying away from his gaze.

“It means… hard to understand, explain or to deal with,” he said. “Can you use it in an English sentence?”

Ugh…

“You… uhh… umm… you.. kom.. kom-pu-li… kom-pu-li-kay-ted-o.” I mustered all the knowledge of English I knew into answering Kuroiwa’s question. “You, kom-pu-li-kay-ted-o.”

I gave him my sharpest look. And we went back to staring at each other's eyes.

“Close enough,” he said. “Let’s go.”

He started to walk towards the intercom. And there was when I noticed he was holding two plastic bags in each hand. They seemed to be filled with ingredients. Some fish, some vegetables, some fruits, some eggs and some beverages that I couldn’t see because they were at the bottom.

“Do you need help?” I offered.

Kuroiwa looked at me then slowly raised his hand to give me the plastic bag with the vegetables and eggs in it. But when I was about to take it from him he stepped back leading me to grab air instead.

What just happened? I thought.

“I’m sorry,” Kuroiwa said, then bent himself to place the plastic bag on the floor. After he stood back up he continued to walk toward the intercom.

I just followed him with my eyes. All the irritation I had been feeling up to this point was quickly replaced by something else. I bit my lip briefly and walked toward the plastic bag, bent down, and took it with my hand. After I stood up straight, the inner door opened.

“Hurry,” Kuroiwa said as he stepped in first.

I jogged behind Kuroiwa and slowed down when I got in. The door closed behind us and I was just in time. We walked toward the elevator which was waiting for us on the ground floor. I peeked inside before we got in and no one was there. So, that meant it would just be Kuroiwa and me inside. We boarded. Kuroiwa shifted to the side as I settled myself in the corner.

“Do you cook?” I asked, because even though the elevator would reach the fifth floor rather fast, I didn’t want an elevator ride with someone to be surrounded by silence.

“Sometimes,” Kuroiwa answered.

“Do you often go out to buy ingredients yourself?”

“No.”

“…Do you like vegetables?”

“Yes.”

One word reply for each question. I sighed, but I was not yet ready to give up.

“So, are you going to cook today?” I continued.

“Probably.”

…

“What are we going to study today?” I asked the question that I knew would get more than a one word answer from Kuroiwa.

“English, Japanese literature and science.”

I got five words from that.

I’ll take it.

As soon as the elevator door opened, the conversation hung in the air. We stepped out. Kuroiwa in front of me, still not initiating anything to talk about. I slowed down my steps behind him, otherwise, if I continued with the way I always walked, I would bump into him.

That would be awkward, I thought.

I didn’t understand anything at all. Last night was completely different than what just happened in the elevator. After we left the ramen shop, I walked beside Kuroiwa, even when there was distance between us, but the silence, the warmth I had just witnessed inside the ramen shop somehow bridged a different gap. And we talked. And I had so many things I had asked… if he ever watched anime or read manga, if he played video games, what kind of video games he played, what were his favorites. I wasn’t interested in any of them, but I asked anyway because of how he engaged and answered everything.

I asked about things that I was interested in. Like if Kuroiwa liked cakes, what was his favorite food, and what was his favorite dessert. I asked if he liked going out during the weekends to shop, for clothes, for accessories, or spotting things he would want to buy in the future. I asked his opinions about TV dramas, if he ever watched one before, if he ever was curious to watch one. I even recommended my favorite drama that I watched years ago.

Kuroiwa’s answers had not been limited to just one word. He would answer the questions with a yes, no, maybe, perhaps, or probably, but he would always offer more words to elaborate on them.

I would tease Kuroiwa about his eyes and I’d laugh. Then I suggested that glasses would suit him perfectly fine. He would nod, but somehow that nod was enough. I had so much to ask him, to talk with him about, but I was not able to ask everything because we had to resume studying. Last night, I felt like we were conversing, not just talking. But right now, it felt like the opposite.

I couldn’t find those questions I had last night right now, they just… vanished. And I didn’t really know what to ask next.

I thought I understood what Hina said yesterday during gym class, but maybe I didn’t. Maybe I didn’t need to know more about Kuroiwa. Maybe this gap between us was enough. Maybe there was a line that was drawn in that space... a line that I never was supposed to cross. Maybe I should stay behind that line and never reach out.

…

But then again, I wouldn’t want to spend hours of studying alone with a boy I couldn’t figure out.

…

And also, it was not like we suddenly got close afterwards either. Why am I even bothered about this anyway? It was just Kuroiwa being Kuroiwa after all.

I took a deep breath.

I shouldn’t really jump to conclusions that fast. If I really wanted to learn more about him, then I had to be patient. One night would not produce any results. It was just the beginning.

I didn’t realize that I was looking down that whole time, so when I noticed, I lifted my head to look forward.

I blinked, twice, three times.

Kuroiwa was not in front of me. I looked at the doors.

508, 509, 510.

Hmm?

I didn’t want to admit what I just did. So I reluctantly turned around. And there he was. Kuroiwa, who stood in front of the door of his apartment, which apparently he had already opened. He was just watching me move forward, silently...

I walked back. My steps got heavy as I approached Kuroiwa. I tried to be calm while I walked but as soon as I appeared in front of him my eyebrows furrowed by themselves and I leaned closer to him.

“Why did you not stop me?” I stared into his eyes. I didn’t remember them being this close.

“You’re too close,” he said. He didn’t move backward to avoid me or even flinch but I realized that I had closed the gap that we had not officially agreed on but maintained since last night.

I got flustered and was the one to step back. I stopped glaring at him and hid my face to the side because of the sudden warmth I felt over my cheeks. I was worried the colors they would show were not from the makeup, but from a natural blood flow.

“You should have stopped me and said something when I passed your apartment,” I said, quieter this time but my tone remained firm.

“Sorry,” he just replied.

I really had to be more attentive when I was around this guy. I was too spoiled by my friends that they would just call me out before I could embarrass myself in public. Luckily, there was no one in the hallway except for Kuroiwa and me.

“It’s fine,” I said as I gave up. I surrendered to the fate that the gods who chose to watch over me. To the fate they had already drawn for me with this guy.

We moved into his apartment, same hallway inside, same living room. But this time I headed to his kitchen intending to help Kuroiwa arrange what he just brought with him when he went out.

“You can just wait for me in the living room,” Kuroiwa said.

“You sure?” I asked.

Kuroiwa nodded.

I guess, if Kuroiwa said he didn’t need my help then there was no reason for me to stay in the kitchen. I carefully placed the plastic bag I was carrying on top of his dining table and was about to head toward the living room.

“What do you want for a drink?” Kuroiwa asked before I was able to make a full turn toward the living room.

I turned my head to face him. “Soda,” I said. I had asked for soda twice already so I felt like I had to commit.

Kuroiwa dug inside the plastic bag he brought. He placed every item on top of the dining table until only the beverages were left. He looked inside for a moment.

“Sorry, I forgot to buy one. Either water or juice, but the juice would still not be cold.”

Seriously…

“I’ll have water then,” I said. “Can I get it myself?”

“Sure, inside the fridge there should still be some bottles of water left. You can transfer them to a glass if you want.”

“I’ll just take a bottle.”

“Okay.”

I walked toward his fridge and opened it. Except for about ten bottles of water inside, it was mostly empty. No wonder he went to buy groceries. But did he have to wait until his fridge is as empty as this to go buy groceries?

I shook that thought in my mind. I felt like the answer should be an obvious yes, and I didn’t want to bother myself asking the next question, which is ‘why’.

I grabbed one bottle then proceeded to the living room.

My instincts told me to sit on my usual spot on the longer sofa, but I didn’t come here to be comfortable. I came here to study. Instead I sat in front of the study table, placed the bottle of water on the fabric coaster that was still on the table, placed my bag beside me, and took out the notebooks I brought with me inside my bag. I sorted them on top of the table.

Kuroiwa asked me an English question earlier, so I guessed we would start with English. I took a peek at him to see what he was doing. He was still organizing his groceries, taking his time. Slow.

I let out a breath, closed my eyes and pouted. He clearly needed my help to organize them faster.

I turned my attention to the table, after all, it is what he wanted.

I reached toward the English notebook Kuroiwa wrote for me, flipped the cover, and began studying by myself first.

I didn’t know what this day would bring to me. I had my adorable little sister telling Mom I was going on a date that I wasn’t.

Seriously, it’s not a date! We’re just here to study.

I also had my phone fall out of my bag. I had to awkwardly sit in the corner of the entrance lobby of this apartment for twenty minutes. And I had to walk past Kuroiwa’s apartment because I was not paying attention.

I already knew. This day would be different.

So, as I continued to read each letter inside the notebook, I was also mentally preparing myself for another long day that was about to come.