Author's Preface
Friday. 9:02 pm.
Mika called 10 minutes ago. She sent me a message five minutes ago.
Right now?
At that point, I just stood where I was after getting off the train, and just stared at her. Not moving. Still. She was waiting on the platform, arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed.
I am in trouble.
I am in really big trouble.
She hadn’t noticed me yet. And I hoped it would stay like that for a few more minutes. I was not ready to face her. Not yet.
Her eyes caught me.
I stepped back a little. I thought maybe getting on the train was the best option to do at that moment. But… I slowly peeked at her… I guess there really wasn’t an option. Her eyes were the only option.
Mika’s eyes cut sharper into me.
Without even saying a word, I knew what Mika wanted. I started to walk. Reluctant. Slow. Like what Kuroiwa usually did. Unhurried. Her look got sharper. My steps got faster. Then I stood right in front of her.
“You’re late!” Mika said. “You’re exactly thirteen minutes and twenty-six seconds late!”
“That’s oddly specific,” I replied.
“It felt that long.”
“Come on, it wasn’t that long.”
“You made me wait for you here, alone, a young girl like me, on a train station platform. Where some creepy old men could be walking. And I am here waiting… ALONE!”
“But there aren’t any creepy old men walking around?”
“There are still some possibilities!”
“I was just ten minutes late.”
“That’s long enough! And it felt longer than that.”
I sighed. “Alright, I’m sorry.”
“I don’t feel any sincerity from that apology,” she said.
“I’ll buy you a pudding next Monday as my sincerest apology.”
“Good. I don’t want the ones they sell in the cafeteria. I want the one sold at 7/11.”
“That’s—”
“I said it, you buy it. Done.” Mika gave me another sharp stare.
“Oookay,” I said reluctantly.
“Let’s go,” Mika gestured for us to move. She walked first and ended up in front of me. I walked fast until I caught up beside her, then I matched her speed.
I glanced over at her. She started smiling as she muttered a chant to herself as we exited the train station.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9:07 pm.
Mika continued to chant while we walked.
“Pudding~, pudding~.” Her smile got wider the more she chanted.
“You’re too into pudding, you know,” I taunted her.
Sharp Mika eyes appeared from their corner. “Are you calling me fat?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“That’s what you implied.”
“Then maybe you need to go on a diet.”
“YOU, go on a diet, you’re 2 whole kilograms heavier than me.”
“Sh-shut up!” I almost covered her mouth with my hand but she was quick to step back.
She smirked at me.
“You’re slow, must be because of all that fat.”
“I am not fat, excuse me. And besides, I’m two kilos heavier than you because I am taller.”
“Hey! Height doesn’t have anything to do with it, and you’re only three inches taller!”
“Three inches is still three inches. Admit it, you’re just short.”
“It is not that significant!”
“It is, though.”
“I am not that short!”
We stared at each other. Then we both laughed.
“Seriously, I am not that short,” Mika said after we caught our breath from laughing.
I giggled and winked at her. Mika pouted briefly but then smiled.
We continued to walk, side by side.
The street had become dark. And flickers of light, along with the shadows of bugs that were constantly hitting themselves on the bulb of the street light, were the only illumination that filled the night. I looked up at the sky. The moon was hidden. Then the night breeze started blowing into my skin that was not used to the cold, and now exposed to the air that suddenly embraced it. I covered myself. Mika just kept walking.
“Too cold?” Mika asked.
“It’s still May after all,” I answered.
Quiet occupied around us for a moment. The sounds of our shoes stepping onto the concrete, next. I bathed myself in this silence that I hadn’t had for quite a while, which felt like longer than quite a while. Like almost the whole month of May. But it was nice to know that at least, I was given a chance before the end of the month for this kind of occasion. This kind of comfort.
I moved my head slightly to where Mika was. Not to look at her but to free my eyes from all the stress I’d been having and cover it with nostalgia instead. Although the neighborhood mostly had houses with walls, and all my eyes saw were these concrete walls, these concrete walls carried memories that I had since I was a kid.
Then I noticed.
Mika had been holding her bag by the handle instead of using the shoulder strap like I did. She used two of her hands and her grip was tight.
I looked at her.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Mika looked at me, stared into my eyes briefly and then resumed looking at the street. Her face was covered with worry. I was getting a little confused since we were just having a great time earlier. It was just banter, and it wasn’t like we were fighting. And we laughed too.
“You know, I haven’t apologized to you yet,” Mika finally said.
“For calling me fat?” I smiled. “It’s okay, I called you short so we’re even now.”
“No, not that.” I thought she was going to be defensive, but she was mostly quiet. “I was talking about what happened yesterday… on the rooftop.”
I almost forgot about that.
I opened my mouth, but before I could say anything, Mika continued.
“I know you’re probably going to say I should not apologize, but I think I should. I still think I was right when I was preventing you from going to that guy’s apartment alone. But.. I shouldn’t have said what I said after that…”
“That I was not going to pass no matter what?” I told her. Gently. Teasingly. But not accusatory.
My eyes never left her when she stopped walking. I took a step twice before my body could stop after I noticed. I was in front of her. But she was still looking down. She looked up and stared into my eyes. Then dropped her head low.
“I’m sorry… I’m really sorry,” Mika said.
I walked toward Mika and carefully pushed her shoulders to lift her up from her bow. My hands stayed on top of them when she finally stood straight.
“You don’t have to. You were not wrong after all,” I assured her.
“But still—”
“I mean, even I agreed with you at that moment, you know.” I giggled. “Besides, no one knows what’s really going to happen.”
I looked at her but she didn't seem convinced. So I sighed.
“Fine, I forgive you,” I said. “So stop stalling us so we can finally go home.”
I smiled at her.
“I was not stalling,” Mika said, and she smiled as well.
I let her walk first before I caught up beside her.
“But didn’t you find him scary?” Mika asked.
I thought about it for a bit. “...Yeah, he was scary, alright,” I answered. “But you know, if I kept getting scared, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on studying. He’s the one teaching me, after all.”
“Yes, but… I always thought he was a delinquent. Since… the first day of school. He showed up with a bandage patched on his cheek and some bruises on his neck. It was horrifying, and Hina was terrified too. She didn’t talk the whole day,” Mika continued.
I remember all that but… “He had bruises on his neck? I didn’t know. How did you see?” I asked Mika.
“Well, I was sitting at the front when the teacher introduced him as a transfer student. I kind of got startled by his bandage patch that I accidentally looked at his neck, and then I saw them,” Mika explained.
“Hmm? The neck?”
“Don’t make it weird.”
I giggled.
“It’s not funny,” Mika said, finally back to her usual self.
“You know, Hina told me this morning that there’s a lot of difference between knowing someone, talking to them, and not caring at all,” I said. “I thought about what she said and it never really occurred to me at that time what she meant.” I paused. “But I thought, just being able to talk to Kuroiwa is enough to make me separate him from the rumors and all.”
“Do you mean, you are not scared of him anymore?”
“Not really… I mean, I figured out later that talking to someone wasn’t enough to actually not be scared of them. But I figured out that the rumors weren’t true because of it.”
“So you’re intending to know more about him?”
I do .
I kept it in my thoughts. I wanted to know more about him, but only to become more familiar with him. I was just afraid of him this afternoon, but I also saw the invisible warmth inside that ramen shop. His eyes never gazed at it, his ears never heard it, and his hands never touched it. But that warmth still existed.
Yet, doubts still lingered in my mind, filled by clusters of imagination that I was trying to navigate. The exit wasn’t open, but it didn’t mean it would stay closed forever. That was why all I could do was to keep moving forward, and maybe, if I knew him better, those thoughts would get erased and leave a picture inside my canvas of trust.
“I chose to believe in him,” I said.
“Is that so?” Mika sighed. “You’re so impulsive sometimes.”
“What do you mean?”
“What I mean is that you always just decide before you even think.”
“I-I thought of it, I mean, I really did.”
“Really?”
“I mean, ask me what a quadratic equation is.”
Mika looked at me. She wasn’t convinced.
“Okay, so what is a quadratic equation?” she asked.
“A quadratic equation is an equation that has an X squared with a number beside it that’s not zero. Plus or minus an X with any number on it. Plus or minus any number. Equal to any number. Oh, and if the number beside the X and the one after it are 0, I don’t need to write them.”
Mika lifted an eyebrow. “Well, technically you're not wrong, but that's not what the textbook said.”
“But I understood it perfectly,” I said. “Wait a second, then.”
I stopped walking and stood under a street light, then I started digging inside my bag. I took out a notebook and a pen, then flipped the back cover of the notebook. I began to write.
X2 - 6X + 4 = 0
I showed her.
“This is a quadratic equation,” I explained.
“Yes, it is,” she said nonchalantly.
“See this X squared here? If the equation starts with it, then it’s a quadratic equation, right?”
“I agree, but not every time it is.”
“Yes, like if the number beside X squared is 0, then it is not a quadratic equation.”
“Mhm.” Mika closed her eyes and nodded.
I was getting impatient as she seemed not convinced.
“But that’s not the only way to find out,” I said. “Even if an equation starts with an X squared, even if the number beside it is not zero, it could still not be a quadratic equation.”
Mika opened her eyes. She opened them wide.
“Huh?”
Then it clicked with me.
“Hmm? You don’t know?” I teased her. I put up a smirk, feeling a bit superior since, for the first time, I knew something that she didn’t know. “Should I tell you? Hmm? Hmm?”
Mika bit her lip. She opened her mouth, closed it, but in the end, she couldn’t resist asking.
“What is the other way?” Mika asked.
“Well,” I said, and wrote an addition on the equation. “If it’s like this, then the equation is not in its standard form.”
I showed it to Mika.
X2 - 6X + 2X + 4 = 0
“Or like this,” I continued. I wrote another variation of the equation, then again showed it to Mika.
X2 - 6X + 4 = X2
“Which do you think is not a quadratic equation?” My voice was smug.
“Wait, what do you mean by standard form?” Mika asked.
“Eh? You don’t know?”
“It’s not in the textbook!”
“It is though.”
Mika bit her lip again. She was not liking how this was going, I could tell.
“Fine, it is, but I just didn’t get that far yet.”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Tanaka will teach us this on Monday,” I told Mika.
Mika closed her eyes. She was frowning. Then she sighed and opened her eyes.
“Okay, you win. Just tell me,” Mika said.
I giggled.
“Standard form is the original form of the equation. Like this.” I showed her the original equation again. “And if it’s not like the default form, then it is not in its standard form.”
“Then how can you make it into the standard form?”
“By simplifying it.”
“How?”
“Combining the same expressions.”
Mika paused for a second, tilted her head, and touched it with her fist while she crossed her arm to support the elbow of her other arm.
A few seconds had passed.
“Give me your notebook,” she said, finally.
I handed her my notebook and my pen. Then I went beside her and she started simplifying the variation of the equation I made.
X2 - 6X + 2X + 4 = 0
X2 - 4X + 4 = 0
“That’s one,” Mika counted.
X2 - 6X + 4 = X2
X2 - X2 - 6X + 4 = 0.
- 6X + 4 = 0
“That’s two, was I right?” Mika looked at me when she asked.
“...Uh, yeah,” I said, hesitantly.
“I see. Then… according to the textbook, the second equation isn’t a quadratic equation. I think I understand it now.”
The feelings of superiority were starting to fade. Erased. Trampled. Gone. I could not believe how fast she was able to understand it.
“You learned all this from Kuroiwa?” Mika asked.
“Yes,” I answered. “He explained it to me five times until I understood it.”
It was actually fifteen times. And we started from the very beginning every time I didn’t understand.
I felt embarrassed. How could I feel academically superior against a literal honor student? If I could melt right now, I should.
“It’s quite impressive actually,” Mika said, suddenly. Her eyes were still glued to the notebook. “You were able to learn all of this in just one night.”
“Well, it wasn’t without a lot of trying,” I replied.
“What about linear equations?”
I choked on the air and started coughing. Pretending to cough at least.
Linear equation… uhh… linear equation. I didn’t know anything about linear equations. All Kuroiwa taught me was about quadratic ones. What is a linear equation?
I wanted to ask. But then I remembered something Kuroiwa had said before we separated.
Check your notes for the other parts we didn’t cover. All I taught you tonight were the most important ones since I anticipate where most of the points of the math exam would come from. The past lessons, you still need to review them yourself since we don’t have much time.
I covered my face with both my hands. And that also reminded me why I was late, because Kuroiwa had to walk me to the station. I said he didn’t have to, but….
You’re in my care at the moment, so I am responsible for your safety.
I screamed… internally.
“You still don’t know?” Mika asked me.
I nodded. Two slow nods.
Mika smiled. Warm. It wasn’t like the smirk I showed her earlier.
Now I was feeling more ashamed. Ugh.
“You’re stalling,” she said. “Let’s go.”
We started walking again. I looked up at the sky. The moon was still not there.
“It’s actually incredible,” Mika said, “that he was able to teach you all that in just a few hours. When I spent an entire week teaching you about linear equations. And yet you still don’t understand.”
I bit my lip and I smiled awkwardly then I hid the smile under my chin.
“And that’s maybe why you chose to believe him,” Mika continued. I lifted my head and looked at her. “It’s because he knew what he was doing, and we didn’t.”
“I trust you more,” I said, my eyes emitted a certain worry.
“I know, and I didn’t say that because I want you to pity me.” She frowned and flicked me between my eyebrows.
“Ow!”
“It’s just that… maybe I was wrong… maybe I was wrong about him.” Mika looked up into the sky. “There is no moon today,” she said.
A few minutes more and we were about to reach our homes. Her house was next to mine and it had been like that as far as I could remember.
I stared at where she was staring and thought of the words she had just said.
“We all did,” I said to her, still looking up.
But I knew she smiled.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9:15 pm.
“I’m home!” I announced myself by the entrance of the house. I was busy removing my shoes when Mom came out from the living room.
“You’re late,” Mom said as soon as she saw me. She sounded like she was about to lecture me but then, she turned her eyes toward the one who was beside me.
“Good evening,” Mika greeted Mom. “Excuse me for intruding.”
“Oh, you’re here, Mika. Come in.” Mom’s voice sounded delighted.
Is she more glad to see Mika than me?
“Sorry we were late, exams were about to start soon and we had Hina to help us study.” Perfect excuse from Mika. I gave her a wink because she did not stutter this time unlike when we were still outside the house earlier. But she nudged me with her elbow and hit me in the ribs.
I closed my eyes. Took a deep breath. Then continued to take off my shoes as I eyed her menacingly. I knew she didn’t like lying but she didn’t need to hit me that hard.
After we were done, we headed to the living room, which also connected to our dining room and kitchen. At the dining table, I saw a portion of meat and potato stew in a bowl with a plastic cover around it. Mika and I sat at the dining table. Mom sat on the sofa in front of the television. She was watching some drama I hadn’t watched for about a week. I was curious about where the story was now when my Mom asked before I could.
“Have you eaten yet?” Mom asked.
I looked at the covered dish but it wasn’t tempting enough. After all, I had already eaten.
“We already ate,” I answered but someone kicked my foot. I opened my mouth at the suspect while I rubbed my shin. “What are you doing, Mika?” I whispered. But my whisper had sharpness in it.
“I haven’t eaten yet,” Mika whispered back.
“Then go eat at your house.”
“Mom went on a weekend vacation with her friends and Dad is going to be late.”
“How about your big brother?”
“He doesn’t know how to cook. You want me to eat cup noodles when your Mom’s cooking is better?”
I conceded. I sighed and turned toward my Mom.
“Mom, Mika is still hungry. We already ate but she still wants to eat more.” I looked at Mika afterwards. Her eyes were wide open. I felt her kick coming and I was able to avoid it.
“Is that so?” Mom said as she stood and walked toward the kitchen.
Mika was preparing for another kick but my Mom approaching us prevented her from unleashing it. I stuck out my tongue a little toward her. She looked away instead.
Mom took the bowl sitting on the dining table and put it into the microwave. Then she took another bowl and filled it with rice from the rice cooker.
“So, how’s your Mom?” Mom asked Mika while still waiting for the dish to heat up from the microwave. Mom leaned by the counter to look and talk with her.
“She’s okay,” Mika answered. She sounded stiff. “She just went on a weekend trip with her work friends today. She said she’s coming home on Sunday.”
“Hmm… How about your Dad?”
“He’s okay.” Mika’s voice was getting even more stiff. ”He was very busy at the university today. He said he would work until night today and probably go home around eleven P.M.”
I snorted quietly. The way she answered both questions was mechanically the same. Like how she sounded when a teacher asked her a question during class, but more nervous and less dignified. She clearly was still shaken by the fact that she lied to my Mom when we were still at the entrance.
I felt Mika’s stare. Sharp.
“It’s nice that they’re doing well.” Mom continued. “Well, I haven’t really seen them that much lately.”
“Ah,” Mika tried to sound less monotonous this time but she still failed in the end. “Well, they have been very busy lately, and during the weekends they mostly come home late. Mom tries to come home early to cook for me and my brother, but sometimes she can't come home in time.”
“Is that so? Well, can you tell your Mom that whenever she’s free, I’m inviting her to go to that salon we went to last time? I’ve been meaning to go but I needed someone to go with.”
“Can’t you just call her or text her, Mom?” I asked an obvious question trying to be witty.
My Mom turned to me to answer my witty question. “Talking in person is more important than talking on the phone,” she said.
“But you’re using Mika as a messenger.” I wittily replied.
“That’s not the point.” Mom sounded a bit defensive. I giggled a bit. “Speaking of phones, you should’ve called me when you were planning to be late.”
My smile faded. I didn’t feel witty anymore.
I looked at Mika. She smirked.
“I agree,” Mika said, sounding less flat and sounding more smug, which I didn’t appreciate at all and I proved it to her with my eyes. “She never calls even when you tell her to.”
“Right?” Mom said. “No matter how many times you remind this girl, she always forgets.”
“I am being unfairly teamed up here,” I said. I put my head on top of the dining table. Forehead kissing wood. I sighed.
“Listen,” Mom continued the lecture, “I am not trying to be strict with you, but you have to understand as well that people get worried about you. I didn’t buy you a cellphone just to be a decoration. I bought it so you could reach out to us whenever it's needed.”
My Mom’s voice was calm. But her tone had already adapted to being a parent, lecturing like a professor. It’s not like I don’t understand what she was saying. It was just that sometimes I got into the moment of what I was doing that I genuinely forgot. Like tonight, I was so focused on studying and wanting to pass the upcoming exam that I failed to message her.
I sighed in defeat.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered into the dining table. I didn’t move for a few seconds then I decided to sit straight. Slowly. “Where’s Ruri, by the way?” I asked.
“Look at her, she’s just now remembering Rurika after getting scolded,” Mom commented. “She already went to sleep.”
My face dropped back onto the table. The table was comfortable. The table was my friend.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered for the second time.
The microwave timer went off. I turned my head to look inside the kitchen. Mom turned off the microwave, carefully taking out the bowl of meat and potato stew while wearing a mitten. I looked up toward Mika, and she looked a bit uncomfortable because of the lecture. I heard Mom start walking towards us and when she reached us, she placed the bowl of rice in front of Mika together with the dish.
“Sorry, you have to hear all of that,” Mom said to Mika. “Just forget about it and eat, okay?”
“Yes, thank you,” Mika replied.
I, on the other hand, was waiting to get back to the comforts of my bed.