Author's Preface
Friday. Afternoon. 4:00 pm
This was absurd. How did I end up in this position?
Earlier today, I was prepping myself for our first study session. And now, I was left standing in front of a door. With this guy standing at the entrance, messy hair, eyes that could cause nightmares just by looking into them, and that less prominent darkness just below them. Less prominent than yesterday at least.
He just ambushed me with a question.
Solve x squared minus six x plus five equals zero. By completing the square.
Why?
Was this supposed to be a code that I needed to answer before I could enter? Was his apartment supposed to be a sacred room?
I gripped my own hand.
“I…” I hesitated, all I could do now was guess. But I didn’t know what to guess.
“Five seconds.”
“I… I don’t know,” I finally said. I thought it was better to be honest. Because maybe if I gave the wrong one there would be a consequence. “I’m sorry.” I dropped my gaze to the floor.
“Did you read the notes?”
My eyes went lower than the floor.
I did read them. But I only read the parts where the practice exam questions were. If I had known, I would have read further.
I sighed.
“I did,” I said, quietly. It was true that I did but… “but… I haven’t gotten far.”
After he wrote those notes for me… I should have done better.
But something clicked in me.
Because after all… he could have asked me any question. Like he could have asked me English, science or even Japanese history. And I only had a night to read all of the notes. And there were nine of them in total. Sure, six was what he said we were going to use to study. But still…
I frowned.
I felt my eye twitch a little.
Then I immediately stared into his eyes. Fierce. Brave.
“Besides, why are you ambushing me with a question before you let me in?” I asked, firm. Very firm, as firm as my voice could sound. “Is this how our first study session will be?”
I confronted him. I never confronted him before. I had never even considered that this situation would even happen in the first place. And now I was here, studying his face, looking for some weaknesses.
I only found his usual stern look. His look that never changed.
“Fair,” he said. “Come in then.”
He turned around and left the door open.
I just looked at him.
Then I closed my eyes, bit my lip and tightened both my hands.
Breathe, Runa breathe. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.
I wanted to say more. I wanted to ask him why he was trying to become like a warden that presented a hero’s trial letting only the worthy pass through.
This was already making me exhausted, and the whole study session hadn’t even started yet.
I entered, closed the door behind me, took off my shoes by the entrance and placed them neatly close to the center.
This was my third time coming here. But this was only the second time that I got in.
I bowed.
“Excuse me.”
Then navigated the whole way towards the living room.
Inside, I chose to sit at the end of the longer sofa near the smaller one, just like last time.
And just like last time...
“Water, soda or orange juice.” He asked from the kitchen.
“Soda.” Why?
I wanted orange juice. Did I really like soda that much that I had to request it twice?
I really don’t understand myself, I wasn’t nervous this time.
He came back with a glass— soda, ice— placed it on the table with a fabric coaster beneath it.
“We’ll use this table,” he said without looking at me, “we start after you’re done resting.”
He walked around the small table to sit at the opposite end of the longer sofa where he sat last time. And like last time he pulled the book he left on there, sat, then started reading.
I thought about it for a moment.
Was that why he ignored me last time too?
“We’re studying math today,” he said.
I paused. Then silently sighed in relief.
Thank god I took math with me today. If he had said another subject other than math, science, or English then I would have ended up scratching my head.
I stood up, took my bag with me then sat and tucked my feet under me in front of the table. Behind me was the smaller sofa.
My hand carefully reached inside my bag and took out the math notebook. I took a pen out too, just in case.
I felt the surface of the table first. It felt smoother than it looked. The wood seemed rough but I guess it was just the design. It looked quite expensive.
I gently placed the notebook on the table.
For now, I would put the pen beside it.
I stared at the math notebook for a second.
He wrote this for me. He wrote this and did not sleep for a night.
Am I really worth making these notes for?
Although he said it was to help me, but somehow I couldn’t accept such a simple answer. But I had to accept it. So I guess… I would just accept it.
I flipped the cover of the notebook and no matter how many times I had already seen it, it still mesmerized me. His handwriting was neat. Unlike his hair. His marks and labels were colorful. Unlike his personality.
I giggled a bit.
Then a thought popped in my mind.
Oh yeah, we were not going to start yet.
I stretched my feet under the table and continued to drink the soda.
Then it felt awkward.
Why was I being comfortable in someone else’s house?
I hurriedly stood up, grabbed the glass of soda with me, took a few steps toward the smaller sofa and sat down.
What was I doing? I felt like I was doing so many unnecessary things just now. Standing, sitting in front of the table, standing again and walking towards this sofa.
I stared at my soda, it was almost half empty. I held it with both hands this time and placed it on my lap.
My head then looked up without me meaning to.
The ceiling again. It looked the same as last time.
I closed my eyes, and chanted the words inside my head.
Focus… Just focus…
I resolved myself. I was ready. I brought myself here. All I needed was to focus, learn and study. There was no doubt in me anymore, no more anxiety building up, and I shouldn’t let hesitation take over me.
I had to. I needed to. I didn’t need any distractions. I didn’t need anything consuming my mind away from my goals.
Even about that…
I paused. I didn’t want that to surface. I had been burying it inside me for the past two days and I didn’t want it to come out at this moment.
Not now… Not later… Not yet…
I kept my eyes closed… then waited…
Five minutes have passed…
I took a deep breath.
Eight minutes have passed…
I opened my eyes.
The sweat from the glass of soda had started to soak my uniform. I almost didn’t notice.
I lifted the glass, there was no more sound of the ice cubes hitting it, and the soda had already mixed with them.
“Are you done?” Kuroiwa asked.
Did he notice me?
I looked at him. He was still reading.
“...Yeah,” I paused for a fraction of a second before I replied.
“Then let’s start.”
“...Okay.”
I looked at the ceiling one last time before standing up.
And again, I took another breath, shallower this time.
I walked towards the table, knees first on the cushion I just sat on earlier, tucked my feet under me and sat. Then I carefully placed the half empty glass of soda on the coaster where it was earlier.
Kuroiwa stood up,
“Wait here,” he said as he walked around the table.
He picked up the glass of soda.
I flinched. I didn’t mean to.
I looked at him but he continued to walk towards the kitchen. I was guessing it was to put the glass in the sink.
He was still his slow and unhurried self. Just taking his time. Strolling around his house.
Though I was glad he didn’t notice me flinch. I mean, wouldn’t that be rude to him, just because he got near me I had to slightly jump back.
Like I was…
I held that thought. I held it deeply. Pulled it in deeper.
I was too into my thoughts that I didn’t realize Kuroiwa had already come back and was sitting at the opposite side of the table… in front of me.
He had two notebooks placed on the table.
He slid them to me carefully.
“What are these?” I asked.
“The one on the left has equations to be solved,” he said. Without gesturing or pointing. “The one on the right is a blank one, where you write your solutions and answers.”
I pulled them closer to me and inspected what was inside.
“The first page of the equations notebook is where we start, you open the blank notebook too,” he continued. “Also open your math notebook to page five.”
I did all of it.
When I opened the equations notebook, I wasn’t familiar with what was inside. The problems written in them were different compared to the ones that I was trying to solve last night.
I took the math notebook.
Page five, okay…
As soon as I turned the pages, I saw similar problems written on the equations notebook.
While I was looking at them carefully, I started to remember, these seemed the same as what Mr. Tanaka had taught us yesterday. How could I have forgotten?
“What we are going to study is about solving quadratic equations,” Kuroiwa said.
I almost thought I was sweating. I should know this. We just learned about it yesterday.
“Umm… uhh… so… what’s a quadratic equation?” I couldn’t resist asking.
He definitely thought I was stupid for not remembering the lecture.
“Quadratic equations, in the textbook, is a second degree polynomial equation that can be written in a standard form as ax squared plus bx plus c equal to zero. Where a, b, and c are real numbers and a is not equal to zero,” he said. His voice calm, he explained everything precisely, and patiently.
I blinked.
I was a bit surprised. Not because I didn’t understand one thing of what he said. Yes, I didn’t.
But because he was patient. I thought he would be sarcastic and annoyed because it was already explained to us yesterday. But he wasn’t.
I stared at my notes. All the intentions of focus gathered in my eyes.
“The textbook’s definition is quite long and confusing,” he continued.
I nodded slightly in agreement. I would nod more and profusely but I didn’t want to look silly.
“So just think of it like this. If the beginning of the equation starts with a number and the x beside it is in the second degree.” He pointed towards the equation notebook he gave me, which I placed above the math notebook leaving enough gap between me and it.
I wasn’t bothered. Why would I be bothered?
“If you see this, then it’s most likely a quadratic equation.”
I stared at where he was pointing. But I was careful not to get too close.
“Okay, so if the x has like this tiny number two above it, then it means it’s a quadratic equation?” I asked.
“Not a definitive yes,” he answered.
“Why?”
“Because there are equations that begin with x squared but could not be written in standard form, and also if the number beside x squared is zero then it is not a quadratic equation.”
“Hmm?” I tried with all my brain cells to make sense of what he said. “It’s so confusing.”
“It is, but let me give you an example.” Kuroiwa leaned forward towards me, slowly pulled the blank notebook that I placed on the left side of the math notebook.
But then he tried to grab the pen I was holding.
My body moved on its own.
I leaned back, placed my hand on the floor to support my weight… then… my vision narrowed.
My stomach fluttered, and slowly, I was pulling back even more.
At that moment, I couldn’t hear anything. He might have called my name but it didn’t register to me.
I never intended to do this, I tried to resist. But my mind kept spiraling down to the words I had been avoiding since last night, since the night before and the night before that. The possibilities. His proximity. The way it was hard for me to understand every explanation he said just now.
Everything made the words become real…
Condition.
Touch.
Five minutes.
I pulled back further… and further…
And the fluttering started to creep in deeper… and deeper...
His hands. It was all that I could see right now. And the more I saw it, the more I moved.
“Miyase-san?” Finally I was able to hear him.
“Ah.” My voice was shaking but I managed to steady it enough to form words to say. “I-I’m sorry, I-I was… just… surprised.”
I wasn’t lying.
He sat back to his side of the table. Straight. Then looked at me carefully.
I avoided his gaze.
“Miyase-san.” His voice still sounded the same as he always sounded.
Even at a time like this.
No… why would I even think that?
Why am I bothered?
“Do you need a break?” he said.
I didn’t answer. But I leaned further back to realize I was already hitting the smaller sofa behind me.
But…
It hadn’t been ten minutes since we started. Why would I need a break… why? I need to concentrate. I need to study… If I fail…
No… please stop thinking.
I closed my eyes tight… very tight.
Then I felt him stand up.
I jumped. I took my bag and placed it on my lap and curled myself into a ball.
“Let’s take a break,” he said. And I felt him walk away from me. “Wait here.”
I remained as I did. Never moved. Not even a finger.
I tightened the grip of my hand on my knees.
Why today? Why did I have to be like this today? Why couldn’t I just focus? Why couldn’t I just concentrate? Just study… just stay still and not make things complicated. Everything was already complicated enough... and I was making it worse.
Why?
…
…
But why did he even make such a condition? Why every single time I met him he was being unreasonable? Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why couldn’t he just not be weird? Just be regular… just teach me as a regular person and not make things complicated. He was the one who planted all these complicated thoughts and feelings in me… and it was getting worse.
…
…
Why?
I shouldn’t have come here… But I failed my practice exams…
I shouldn’t have agreed… But he said he wouldn’t let me fail…
I should’ve just let Mika, Hina and Yui teach me again… But I don’t want to burden them anymore…
I shouldn’t have… But…
I… I don’t know…
I—
“Miyase-san!”
I slowly opened my eyes. Reluctant. Careful.
He showed up far away from me… to his side of the table… sitting
“Water,” he said.
I saw the glass of water that was carefully placed on my side of the table. A fabric coaster under it. Away from the notebooks.
“Don’t worry,” he continued, “I didn’t get near you.”
My mouth opened. I wanted to say something… But what was that something?
“I’m sorry…” I just whispered.
“About?” he asked, I was surprised he even heard me, but I was more surprised he asked.
“Because… I—”
“I’m used to it,” he said.
Huh?
“Ever since I was in elementary school, everybody seemed to avoid me. So I’m used to it.”
No… You’re wrong…
“It’s my fault that I got close to you without warning. I should’ve been more careful.”
That was not…
“I went to my room to get an extra pen and notebooks. I also made sure that when I got back, I didn’t get near you. And also I placed the water at your side of the table without getting close to you. I also put your pen back to where it was.”
He bowed in front of me… His forehead almost touching the table.
“I apologize… Sincerely.”
I was looking at him… then slowly… my gaze turned towards my knees.
I didn’t say anything. I just let the sound of the ticking clock fill the living room.
One second… Two seconds… A few more seconds…
“C-can I use your bathroom?” I finally said.
“Sure, on the main hall, right side from the living room.”
“Thank you.”
I stood up. Steady. I tried to gain my balance. Then headed towards where the bathroom was.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday. 4:36 pm
Inside, my tears just kept flowing.
I was trying to dry them with my hand, fanning them like I was about to be interrogated, just like in the detective drama I watched with my mom last week.
I didn’t want to ruin my makeup. I didn’t want to still feel overwhelmed.
I didn’t want to cry.
But they kept pouring… tracing my cheeks… dripping down my chin…
Breathe, Runa just breathe.
I did, multiple times.
I really needed to solve myself first before solving any equations out there.
Inhale… Exhale… one more… and one more…
It hurts… it hurts that I had to be this way. That I had to be so out of focus like that, when he…
He was not even thinking about them. And I was there… Drowning in the depths of each of those words.
I stopped my hand. And I stared at myself in the mirror.
What a mess… I was such a mess…
I wanted to laugh, I wanted to hear myself going crazy.
…
But I couldn’t, there was still some reason left in me.
I remembered what Hina said this morning, I remembered how I saw Kuroiwa slip and fall during gym class.
He’s only a human being. I shouldn’t keep acting scared in front of him. No, I shouldn’t even be scared of him even when he wasn’t there.
Condition?
So what!?
If I failed, then it was his fault. I came here. I showed my resolve. And he said he wouldn’t fail me.
I would keep studying. He should keep teaching me.
And if I failed. There was no reason for me to comply.
I did not promise. He didn’t even want me to say that I accepted his condition. In fact I did not say I accepted. I just came here.
Because I believed the things he was trying to sell to me. And I wouldn’t let him scam me.
If it came to that. If I really did fail. Even just one subject.
I stared at myself in the mirror again. Then slapped my face with both my hands to both my cheeks. I was careful not to leave a mark.
Wake up…
If I did fail. Then it was his turn to be slapped.
“I will be fine.” I told myself.
I would always be fine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday. 5:02 pm
I messed up.
It took long for me to calm down. It took longer for me to reapply my makeup.
Luckily I took my bag with me when I went to the bathroom. Otherwise, if I didn’t, my face would have looked horrendous.
I wouldn’t want anyone to see me without my make up. I was fine if my family and friends saw. But I would die if anyone else did.
I braced myself. Took a long breath. Then opened the door to the living room. I saw Kuroiwa scribbling into the notebook he got for himself.
“I’m back,” I said.
He stared at me then nodded.
I went back to sit in front of the table, opposite of him. Then I gently placed my bag beside me.
“I’m sorry about earlier.”
“It’s fine.” He paused. He probably was trying to be careful with his words. “Are you okay, now?”
His voice still sounded like he always did though.
I smiled a little bit.
He didn’t waste any time and started.
“So let’s start from the beginning—“
Did I hear it right? From the beginning?
“The textbook definition of a quadratic equation—“
Word for word.
“It is confusing, but if you think about it like this—“
Seriously?
I ended up just staring at him.
I sighed.
“Were you listening?” he asked.
Honestly, I wasn’t.
“Sorry,” I said.
“It’s fine. Let’s start from the start. This time make sure you listen.”
I opened my mouth. But I guess I had no choice so I listened.
Every word, every sentence, the way he told them. Ended up always the same.
I asked a question from time to time. But every time I did, we started again from the beginning.
That was quite exhausting… a bit annoying… but it’s different…
Maybe there’s something to this difference. I don’t really know. But every loop got me focused more and more.
He looped a few more times. I listened intently.
And then...
“So, what is a quadratic equation?” he asked.
I blinked.
“Umm... A quadratic equation is an equation that starts with an x that has a subscript of 2 above it and also the number beside the x with a subscript of 2 shouldn’t be a zero. Also the next part of the equation has a negative or positive number that is beside an x with no subscript and then a number that is either a positive or negative or a zero.” I answered. “Oh, and also the number beside the x with no floating 2 on it could also be a zero and if that is the case then I don’t need to write it. Also… also… an equal sign and a positive or negative number or a zero on the other side of the equal sign.”
I got that from my memory. Everything he said jumbled up and mixed together. And I was able to say that. It was longer than I remembered him describe it but… I think I did get it…
I looked at him for approval.
“You’re right,” he said.
My eyes widened.
“So let’s move to the next part. Open the equations notebook on page one and I’ll show you how to solve it.”
He taught me patiently.
He would write down the solution to his notebook, slide it carefully towards me and then I copied it…
The way he wrote the characters was larger so that he could point it to me from where he sat and I would be able to see them with no problem.
To be honest… I almost copied the exact same sizes of the letters and numbers that he wrote.
He explained to me about factoring. Taught me how to divide the equation into two parentheses. Taught me how to determine the right numbers next to it inside the two parentheses. And then how to find the value for each equation afterwards.
We repeated. Multiple times. And it felt heavy on my head. But then it would become lighter each loop.
When he made me solve an equation. He did the same. I asked a question. Repeat. I made a mistake somewhere. Repeat. I got the right answer but I struggled along the way. Repeat.
Every. Single. Time.
But when I looked at the notebook that once had blank pages when he gave me, now filled with solutions that I was slowly starting to get. It made me keep going. I felt I was on the right track.
One equation later… three equations later… then finally the fifth one…
I smiled.
I smiled with all my heart. It was the first time ever that I was able to solve an equation without anyone’s help.
The fifth equation, I did by myself. And when I was done, I showed it to Kuroiwa. Sliding my notebook towards him. I tried to analyze his face. Then he showed that look that means I was right.
I didn’t even need him to tell me I was right.
His expressions almost always never changed. But since we had been doing this for, who knows how long now, I started to learn the difference between his normal face and the subtle changes in his expressions whenever I got things right.
So far, that’s the only subtlety I had found out about him… For now, at least.
But before I could even celebrate he already told me to solve another equation.
I groaned… In my thoughts… Like always.
But still… All these equations…
I was glad I was finally able to understand how to solve them now.