August 1895

Wednesday, 21 August 1895

Love is confusing. I think I almost understand what Sister Grace wrote, but I know I don't understand fully. I would say I love both Ryn and Sister Grace, but it feels different for each of them. I love Mum and Dad too, but not the same as Ryn or Sister Grace. I could almost say I love Mr. Fenris and Beth as well in a fourth way. I am happy when I can be with all of them, and am sad when I am away from them for too long. I really miss Sister Grace. Is that what love is? I couldn’t imagine wanting to marry any of them though. There must be another kind of love for someone you would want to marry. I can't imagine what that would feel like though.

The more I think of marriage the more I think I fear it. Mum and Dad were married, then they died. Sister Grace and Samuel were married, then Samuel died. Thomas and Georgiana died. Lizzie, and John, and Bella, and Patrick, and all the other children's parents as well. Mr. Harper and his wife are still alive, but they are quite unpleasant people. Mr. and Mrs. Stewart were even worse.

I really hope Mr. Fenris and Beth don't die. The only married people I know of who are both alive are mean and unhappy. I suppose I don’t really know Dr. Patterson and his wife well enough to know if they are happy or not. Sister Grace is still happy she was married though. Maybe she is right and someday I’ll understand and look forward to marriage.

July 29th, 1895

Washington, Mississippi

My dear Friend,

As much as it would bring me joy to see your lovely face again, I am afraid your suggestion is, sadly, quite impossible. While I have more than I need for just young Thomas and myself, it is not enough extra to feed even one more mouth. I have heard it said that there are many opportunities in America, but there are none in Washington that would be suitable for Toryn and yourself.

I could not afford to employ a governess, and none that I know of in Washington hire governesses either, I'm afraid. Those here are not at all accepting of women performing the jobs of men, so you would be unable to be employed as a teacher or butcher, even though I am sure you would be skilled enough to do so. You are quite lucky to have found Mr. Fenris and for him to have recognized your skill.

The only labor for Toryn would be on the farms, and that would only be available for two or three months each year. Perhaps there would be more opportunities in Natchez, but even if there were, I am unsure how you would be able to get here. It would take more than I have saved to even get you tickets across the ocean.

You and Toryn are quite capable, so I am sure in time you will be able to travel through your own means. You are both still very young and just learning, but as you become even more skillful you are sure to do very well.

Thomas and Georgiana's marriage was not a usual wedding. They moved away to Natchez and wed in secret on the same day. Their relationship was not approved of in the town we grew up in, and they sought a fresh start where none would see Georgiana as anything more than a proper young lady. I knew of their plot and approved, but they left on their own. I visited from time to time but remained in my father's home until my own wedding day. Thomas and Georgiana had moved to Washington by then, and they allowed me to live with them for about a year after Samuel died. They would have let me stay longer, but that was when I joined the church. I saw very little of my brother’s family after that, only visiting a few times a year, until I left for Scotland, which made visits much harder to arrange.

The day of my wedding was very enjoyable. Not knowing the fate that was waiting for me that night, I was thrilled at the thought of spending the rest of my life with the man I loved so dearly. It seems strange to me now how I could have grown to care for someone so much in such a short time and at such a young age. I cannot explain it, but I knew with all my heart that Samuel and I were meant for one another. I loved him dearly and still do to this day. Having this feeling and knowing you are to be joined even closer through marriage is the happiest moment I have ever experienced. While the terrible events of that night still bring me great pain, I am happier having lived through that day.

I have been to only two other weddings, one shortly before I met Samuel, and one shortly after his death. At the first wedding, I was made happy by seeing the joy of the new husband and wife. It gave me hope and optimism for my own future. It made me feel as though I would find someone to love, and that one day we could be as happy. At the second wedding, I was made happy by being reminded of my own wedding. I thought back not in sorrow over his death but was able to focus on the joyous times we had together. You are still young and have not yet experienced love, or even the hints of it. You love your brother, of course, but that love is a different kind of love. It is hard to understand the kind of love a wife and husband share until you experience it yourself. I suspect that is why you did not enjoy the wedding as much as others. When you do find love, and I am sure one day you will, you will understand this kind of happiness.

Your affectionate Friend,

Grace Collins

Saturday, 24 August 1895

I made myself too sad to write back to Sister Grace Wednesday. I tried but I couldn't get myself to write anything. I talked to Beth yesterday, and she convinced me I have just been unlucky, which made me feel better.

Beth told me about Nathaniel's parents and grandparents as well as her own. She showed me a letter from Alexa, her older sister. Alexa is traveling with her husband and two sons, and she seems very happy and nice. Beth told me her father has only gotten angry recently, and she thinks he will be happy again soon. Her sister left when she married a few years ago, her little brother is talking about moving to Edinburgh, and he is afraid Beth might leave too with Nathaniel and make him lose his children. I think I understand. If Ryn wanted to leave without me I’d be sad and angry too.

I wanted to write to Grace yesterday, but I was so tired that I fell asleep before I had a chance. I couldn’t sleep well Wednesday or Thursday night. I was thinking too much about Mum and Dad, and my nightmares kept me from sleeping through the night. Beth’s words helped me sleep well last night though, and I feel well-rested today. I hope Sister Grace doesn't mind that I waited until today to write.