April 1895

Friday, 5 April 1895

Sister Grace wrote again. I had almost forgotten about Lily until I read her letter. I wish it had arrived sooner. When she gave me Sister Grace’s letter, Sister Mary Maxwell told me that I am going to work as a governess next week. She says that Mr. Stewart has graciously offered to allow me to teach his children French. He has a five-year-old daughter and a seven-year-old son. I don’t see what’s so gracious about it. His children get free lessons. All I get is to practice for a job that I’m supposed to want even though I don’t want it.

Sister Mary Maxwell tells me that if I do a good job, she thinks she can convince him to hire me permanently. I don’t want to be a governess, but I don’t exactly have another choice. I’m going to try my best. I promised Ryn that I would do my best to get a good job so he didn’t need to worry about me. This is probably my best chance to do that.

Ryn is supposed to get a new job soon too. He’ll probably be an apprentice at the railway. He’s strong and liked it at the shipyard until he was fired. Work at the railway should be similar. Maybe then he’ll stop stealing. I’m worried that he’s going to get caught one of these times.

March 13th, 1895

Washington, Mississippi

My dear Friend,

I am glad you and your brother have found a friend. Do not worry about her stealing your brother away. I do not doubt that your brother loves you dearly and needs you as much as you need him. Lily may steal his attention away from you at times, but I am confident he will always be your brother first. If anyone should lose Toryn, it will be Lily and not you. In time, you will meet a boy who is handsome and kind, and he will steal your attention just as Lily may steal Toryn’s. That will not mean you love your brother any less, only that you love another as well.

If Toryn and Lily neglect you, let them know. Your brother will understand. If Lily is as kind as you suspect, she will understand as well. If she cares for either of you, she will not think ill of you for wanting more attention from your brother. If she objects to your closeness, then she is no friend to you or your brother. No friend or love worth having could ever separate the two of you.

I have been unable to find any books written by Jules Verne on my trips to Natchez. Just as well, young Thomas has kept me busy and I have not had much time to read of late. Young Thomas has a friend named James Cotterill who is a few years older. James works on his father’s farm and young Thomas has offered to assist this summer. I do not like such a young boy working - he turned eight in September. Mr. Cotterill is a nice man though, and he has promised to only give him safe and easy tasks, so it will be more like play than work.

Young Thomas will stay with the Cotterills for a month, so I have made plans to travel to New Orleans while he is away. I hope to search for some good books while I am there. If I am lucky, I will find some of Jules Verne’s works there.

I look forward to your next letter.

Your affectionate Friend,

Grace Collins

Monday, 8 April 1895

Ungrateful, disrespectful, wretched little demons! I didn’t ask for this job. I didn’t want this job. This job was chosen for me. I didn’t like it, but I accepted the responsibility. I arrived ready to teach your children, Mrs. Stewart. I didn’t want to, but I promised myself, I promised my brother that I would do my best. And I did.

When your precious little Abigail pulled my hair, I ignored it. When your sweet little Benjamin kicked me I asked him to stop. I did not yell at them. I did not strike them. I tried to teach them their lessons.

Like Frankenstein’s creation, I did nothing but try to help where I could, yet we are cast aside as monsters. Victor created a wonderful, caring creature and was vile for hating it and himself for its hideous appearance. You, Mrs. Stewart, created not only one but two actual demons and love them and yourself despite their ill nature. The world is blind to hate us for being different, and blind to love your vile monsters simply because your wealth dresses them in fancy clothes.

I tried to teach your children some basic French. I tried as best as I could. As best as anyone could. I tell a simple phrase to your charming daughter, just a simple “Je m’appelle Abigail”, and ask her to repeat it. What does she do instead? She demands her tea. When she gets it, instead of drinking, she throws it into the air and makes me run to catch the cup before it shatters. I finally started to get your daughter to pay attention when that perfect little son of yours took a candle and lit my hair on fire! And you believe those darling little demons of yours! Why would I start a fire? Why would I light my own hair aflame?

I am no witch. I am no demon. Your children, Mrs. Stewart, are the demons. And you, for worshipping such evil, are equally demonic. You may fool others with pretend politeness and a pretty face, but I see you for the evil you are. I am happy to be rid of this job. I will find another. My hair will grow back. I will survive.

Sister Mary Maxwell may believe your wretched children. She will try to punish me for this crime I did not perform. Sister Mary Maxwell already did not like me and has never understood me. She saw becoming a governess as a boon, a chance for a good life. That is not how I saw it. I saw it as an unfortunate burden. She will punish me by not sending me out as a governess again, and instead try to place me in a lesser job. To me, that is the one benefit I get from this miserable experience.

Your children may not be so lucky. I would never dare wish the fortune of my parents on another, but those monsters may just bring that fate upon themselves. Pray that their next governess can keep their demonic flames from spreading. I could not if that duty were still mine.

Thursday, 11 April 1895

My hair is so short, it barely covers my ears. It feels really strange. I look even more like Ryn now. I don’t like it. I haven’t been able to sleep. I keep waking up thinking my hair is on fire again. My neck still hurts and feels hot. I hate those Stewart children.

Sister Mary Maxwell took me into her office Tuesday and made me tell her about what happened Monday. She was mad about it and made Sister Anna cut my hair. Sister Mary Maxwell is making me work in the kitchen now with Mr. Harper. I don’t like him. He smells of death and yells a lot. The girls stay away though so at least there’s that.

Ryn tells me that the other orphans are all making up new stories about me. He says they say I was visiting the devil in hell and that’s how my hair caught fire. Lizzie is telling the weans I had an accident trying to cook a baby and that I’m going to cook them up next. The screams are annoying but at least they run away so I don’t have to hear them long.

Others say I was burned alive for being a witch but used my magic to escape. Why would I still be here if I had magic to escape with? I wish I had magic. Or that fairies would come and take me away.

Ryn started at the railway yesterday. He says it’s easier than the shipyard because he doesn’t have to climb up so high. His job scares me though. He said his boss lost two fingers working on one of the trains. I hope Ryn is more careful than he usually is while he’s working at the railway.

Sunday, 14 April 1895

Mr. Harper burned his hand on the stove. Or I did? I don’t know. He slipped and fell and yelled at me for it. He said it was my fault and I spilled something. I don’t think I did, I was being careful. A man named Nathaniel was helping for Easter so maybe he did it? He was preparing the meat on the other side of the kitchen so probably not. They did argue about Mr. Harper’s daughter though. I guess she is Nathaniel’s fiance. Nathaniel looked concerned for Mr. Harper though so I don’t think he would have hurt him intentionally. Mr. Harper couldn’t finish cooking so Nathaniel and I had to finish it. I don’t think Nathaniel knew what he was doing without Mr. Harper’s help. The food didn’t taste very good.

Sister Anna told me that Mr. Fenris will be working in the kitchen until Mr. Harper’s hand heals. I’ve never met Mr. Fenris. I hope he doesn’t yell as much. And that he’s a better cook than Nathaniel. Mr. Harper yells a lot but his food is good even when it’s just cock-a-leekie or neeps and tatties.

Monday, 15 April 1895

Mr. Fenris isn’t a better cook than Nathaniel, he is Nathaniel. He told me he is not a cook like Mr. Harper, but a butcher. He brought a deer from his shop and had me help cut the meat. It was bloody and gross but not as boring as cutting neeps and carrots and leeks. Mr. Fenris is not very nice but at least he doesn’t yell like Mr. Harper.

Ryn got in a fight with Aiden today. He wouldn’t tell me why but I think it was about me. The other boys looked afraid and left me alone after. I wish Ryn would be more careful. He’s bigger and stronger than the other boys but there are more of them.

Wednesday, 17 April 1895

I had to help cut up some hares today. They were easier than the deer since hares are so much smaller. Mr. Fenris left them cooking too long but it was still better than his neeps and tatties. Mr. Harper rarely makes meat. I think Nathaniel is just bringing in meat because he knows he can’t cook anything else.

Sister Sarah got mad at me for getting blood on my sleeves. She made me go wash them before I could eat, so my food was burnt and cold.

Friday, 19 April 1895

Mr. Harper is back, so I’m back to mashing tatties. Sister Mary Maxwell is making me go back to school on Monday. I don’t know why, I already know everything they teach. Sister Mary Maxwell said she is trying to find me a new governess job. She says people have heard about what happened with Mrs. Stewart and don’t want me with their children.

Sister Anna says she should send me to Dundee or Aberdeen. I don’t want to go, but Sister Mary Maxwell says I might not have a choice. I don’t want to be separated from Ryn. She says she won’t have time for anyone to travel to find anyone looking for a governess until next month, so at least I can stay for now.

I know I need a job, but I don’t want to be so far from Ryn. Nobody would want to hire him if he quits. And where would he stay if he did? A governess will get to stay with the family while she teaches the children, but Ryn would not be allowed to stay. A shipyard does not house its workers, and he does not earn enough as an apprentice to rent a room and buy food. There must be somewhere I can find employment without leaving my brother. Mrs. Stewart cannot be friends with everyone looking for a governess in Montrose.