Author's Preface
Morning of Monday, 4th week of May.
It was 8:24 a.m., still very early.
“Did you enjoy your pudding?” Runa asked me. She was in her seat, second row of the second column near the door in front of the classroom. I was standing between her and Yui, who also was in the second row but in the first column of seats. I wasn’t paying much attention when Runa and Yui were talking about a television drama, which Yui was far more enthusiastic about than Runa. I wasn’t the type that watched television much. So during the conversation, the word ‘pudding’ was the one that got my attention.
“Hmm, it was okay,” I replied. “But it wasn’t the pudding that I asked you for. I told you to buy them at 7/11.”
“Why are you still complaining? I told you yesterday by the train station that I had no time to find the convenience store. If I had searched before I arrived, I’d be going home late,” Runa explained, a little bit annoyed.
“Mika, you’re so picky. That’s the reason why you’ll never find a boyfriend,” Yui said casually.
The nerve of this girl, as if she was any better than me.
“Shut up, toilet-chan,” I replied to Yui out of irritation.
Yui froze. Her mouth hung open, and her eyes resembled someone who had just seen a ghost. She slowly lowered her head and began staring at the ground. “Never call me that again,” she said. “I still have trauma from Runa calling me that nickname for three months when she found out.” Yui stood up, yet her eyes were still glued on the floor. “The whole class that time almost found out! And I almost decided to never ever come out of my room because of it!”
“Umm, that’s actually not—” Runa was about to say something. But then, Yui launched herself at me and started kneeling. Then, for whatever irrationality that came into Yui's strange mind, she started pulling my skirt.
“Hey! Yui! That’s dangerous!” I shouted. I grabbed my skirt so it wouldn’t accidentally be pulled down by Yui.
“Please! I beg you, please! I don’t want to become a shut-in,” Yui begged. She wasn’t listening or even aware of the panic she was inducing in me. She was trying hard to be frantic and it was annoying that she decided to sacrifice my dignity just to prove her point.
“Stop!” I shouted louder. “Fine, fine! I won’t, so stop pulling!”
Yui stopped. I observed her further, being cautious of what she might do next. But she was still kneeling on the floor. Yui slowly moved up her head to glance at me. I noticed how she was exerting herself to make her eyes appear almost welling with invisible tears. “Really?” she asked, sounding like a puppy who whimpers for a treat.
“Yes, really. So please stop.”
Yui stood up fast, then smirked.
“Okay!” Yui went to her seat, returning to her usual quirkiness. As soon as she sat down, I saw her smirk go wider. “Now that’s acting…” she muttered. But I heard it.
My right eye twitched.
I knew Yui was just pretending, but that was not the reason why I conceded. I faced her and I was about to express my annoyance at her when suddenly the entrance at the back of our classroom slid open.
My annoyance turned to curiosity as I focused on who entered just now.
And I saw him...
Kuroiwa Rei…
Just a week ago I would have definitely pulled my eyes back away from him immediately. But this time I kept them on him. I was actually surprised that I did. And now that I was able to observe him properly, I saw what was going on around him. The back of the classroom that was populated earlier by some classmates, magically cleared when he entered. Not a single stare from anyone toward him, and their backs were turned on him.
I caught his messy black hair.
I gripped my left hand.
I glimpsed at his uniform looking a bit unironed.
I gripped my right hand.
I spotted how his tie was slightly crooked.
I crossed my arms on my chest.
They were just small details, and except for his hair, the rest that I noticed weren’t really that bad, but it was messy enough for me to question, How could he tolerate going to school looking like that?
I took a deep breath.
“Ah, there he is,” Runa said, sitting beside me. “Kuroiwa-kun,” she continued. She stood up quickly then practically jogged toward him.
Kun?
Runa stopped in front of Kuroiwa-san. And that was enough to change the atmosphere inside the classroom. Earlier there weren’t any eyes heading toward the back, now it felt like every pair targeted Runa and him. Especially the boys.
I could hear Runa asking Kuroiwa-san questions about past lectures. But I could also hear murmurs around the room. ‘What is going on?’ ‘Why is she talking with him?’ ‘Doesn’t she know he’s dangerous?’
I was surprised Runa didn’t even notice those murmurs. But she seemed like she was really paying attention to his answers to her inquiries.
Sigh…
I guess I wasn't really in the position to actually blame everyone else. I mean, this guy showed up during the first day of school with a patch on his cheek. I even thought he was a delinquent. But since Runa trusted him and nothing dangerous really happened whenever she went to his apartment alone, I started to ask myself if maybe I was wrong. But these people had no reason or any basis to even start asking the same questions.
“Woah,” Yui whispered.
“Are you going to fantasize about romance again?” I reprimanded Yui.
“No… it’s just that… this is the first time I properly looked at him… he actually looks… human.”
“...What do you mean? What were you even imagining him to look like?”
“The dark lord.”
“...Who?”
“Darth Vader, you know, from that popular sci-fi movie.”
“...I don’t get it.”
The front door slid open behind Yui and me. Both of us turned around and saw Hina appearing from the door. She looked like she ran to get here.
“I thought I was going to be late,” Hina said while catching her breath.
“No worries, you’re on time.” Yui smiled at Hina.
“Where’s Runa?” Hina asked.
“At the back, talking to—” I interrupted myself when I thought I noticed Hina’s eyes widen as she looked toward the back. It was so subtle that you could easily miss it unless you were paying attention to her eyes. I only caught a glimpse of it…
Hmm?
Was it my imagination? I couldn’t tell, since I couldn’t think of any reason why she would react how I thought she had reacted.
I glanced at the clock. Homeroom was about to start.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
During English class…
“Tojo-san.”
I was listening to Ms. Eguchi, our English teacher…
“Tojo-saaaan.”
We were in the middle of an important lecture that might show up in the exams…
Thud*
But this idiot guy sitting behind me had been trying to distract me. I glanced below my chair to see what the thing that hit my back was. A crumpled paper. I turned my head around halfway toward the one who was causing me annoyance, just enough for him to see my eyes. And then I glared at him. I glared at him like I was stacking tons of papers on his head until he stopped interfering with my studies.
“Stop it, Katou-san,” I whispered angrily. But he only smiled at me and gestured for me to pick up the paper. I didn’t want to, so I ignored him and turned my focus back on the lecture.
“Read it,” Katou-san said. I felt his voice get closer so I reflexively leaned forward even though he wasn’t close.
I still ignored him.
Thud*
I assumed that was another crumpled paper thrown against my back. My left eye twitched and I immediately grabbed the first one from the floor. I was about to throw it back at him when the teacher called.
“Is something wrong, Tojo-san?” Ms. Eguchi asked with her usual soft tone that sounded more worried than upset.
“N-nothing,” I said. I took a deep breath and composed myself. I sat straight and prepared to continue focusing on the lecture. I hid the crumpled paper inside my hand and crushed it.
“Just read it,” Katou-san insisted.
Alright fine then.
I opened the crumpled paper to see what was inside. I was not careful. I didn’t care if I accidentally tore it.
‘ Hang out with us later?’
I took another deep breath. I wrote ‘NO!’ on the paper, crumpled the paper carefully, glanced at Katou-san, and threw the paper at him.
It hit his nose. I was satisfied.
I stuck my tongue toward Katou-san before he even realized just what happened. Then I faced the front. Hopefully, he got the message and finally stopped.
A few seconds later
Thud*
Seriously! This guy!
Thud*
Two in a row?
I gripped my hands and I almost broke my pencil in half because of it. I reflexively stood up and snapped in his direction.
“Will you please, stop!” I shouted.
“Huh? Umm, huh? What’s wrong, Tojo-san? D-did I make a mistake?” Ms. Eguchi panicked in front of the blackboard, and she was shifting her attention between me and what was written on the board. “I-I’m sorry if I did…” she said with her left hand covering her mouth slightly.
I raised my hand reflexively. “Sorry,” I said, “I think I just had a headache. Can I be excused to the infirmary?”
“Oh… Oh! Alright then, I thought you were angry because I made a mistake. Thank God.” Ms. Eguchi sighed in relief. “If that’s the case, let’s see…” She pulled out the attendance book from the desk and laid it out on top of it.
I knew what she was about to do, so I tried to tell her it wasn’t necessary.
“Umm… Eguchi-sensei. There’s no ne—”
“The one to take you to the infirmary is this person!” Ms. Eguchi said as she closed her eyes and randomly placed her index finger into the attendance book.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were thirty students attending class 2-B, me included. Three of them would have been the ones I would have preferred. Fifteen of them, I wouldn't mind. Nine of them would make me think twice. And two of them were the ones I definitely wouldn’t want. And of all the names where Ms. Eguchi’s finger landed, one of the two that I didn’t want was chosen to walk me to the infirmary.
And this particular one was now walking a few steps behind me.
“Hey!” I said. I stopped to face him. “Kuroiwa-san, if you’re really not into this, you can go back to the classroom, you know.”
Kuroiwa-san just stood there and said nothing. He only stared at me looking confused.
“I mean, you look like a creep walking behind me like that. You’re supposed to accompany me, not become my stalker.” I explained to him assertively.
“Okay,” Kuroiwa-san replied with his dull voice.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and turned around to continue walking.
A few steps later… Kuroiwa-san was still walking behind me.
I stopped, crossed my arms and turned around toward him. And this time he was a few more steps further than before.
How?
“Walk beside me!” I said with more assertion. “Can’t you walk faster?”
“...I was,” Kuroiwa flatly said.
Sigh…
“Alright… just try to walk beside me, I’ll wait,” I replied. I tried to be calm. This guy was too weird. Was he really just slow or was he deliberately being slow? I couldn’t tell at all.
When Kuroiwa-san finally reached me, I uncrossed my arms and started moving with him. I matched his speed and glanced up at him. I smiled.
“See, much better, right?” I said.
Kuroiwa-san didn’t answer, he just kept his eyes forward. I didn’t mind it at all but some other things still did. Other things that didn’t involve walking. We took a couple of steps and during those I was debating myself if I did want to ask him or not. And ultimately, I just really wanted to know. I wanted to know if he had the answers I was looking for.
“So, umm.” I hesitated for a bit. I took a little breath to clear my mind before I continued. “How did you manage to teach Runa about quadratic equations so quickly?”
Kuroiwa then stared at me. I noticed that while he was still facing me, he would move his pupils to the right, then up, then toward me.
“I made her understand them.” Kuroiwa-san answered.
“Well, evidently. But that’s not what I’m asking.”
Kuroiwa-san sighed. What? Why? Was he annoyed? I couldn’t tell just by looking at his face. But if he was then, the nerve of this guy. I just asked a simple question.
“Fine, if you don’t want to answer then nevermind,” I said while getting mildly irritated by his attitude.
“Sorry,” Kuroiwa-san replied. “I was just thinking.”
Huh? Really? So he wasn’t annoyed?
“My method was to integrate information into her by making her become familiar with what quadratic equations are. I needed her to listen to all the words and their meanings and simply have her make a conclusion for herself. To solve it, I made her do one problem repeatedly and had her focus on it until she understood the basics before we moved onto a more difficult problem.” Kuroiwa-san explained. He sounded very competent and I could somehow understand the logic behind what he was talking about. But repeatedly making her solve one problem?
“So, how many times would you have her repeat solving one problem?” I asked.
“About twenty five for the first one. Fifteen for the second. Eighteen for the third. Eleven for—”
“Wait, wait a minute.” I was surprised. Kuroiwa-san made Runa repeat that many times in one equation? Could you even call that progress? “Is that even teaching? Isn’t that a bit of a torture? What would you do if she got bored and instead stopped learning because of it?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking every question I had. His methods were just so nonsensical that I believe the risk if he failed would have heavier consequences than if he taught her normally.
Kuroiwa-san sighed again. Which is it? Was he annoyed, or was he just thinking, or maybe something else? My eyes kept observing his expression. Still the same, but I never left my sight away from him.
“I have reasons why I chose that method,” Kuroiwa-san said. His eyes were meeting mine, but for some reason, I would avoid his gaze and glance over to the side, my heart beating a little faster. However, I eventually succeeded in locking my gaze onto his, while I tried to calm myself down.
“What is your reason then?” I asked, still not convinced of Kuroiwa-san's explanation so far. Runa suffered a lot internally for this guy and I need to know why she kept going back. “Are you talking about… the condition you gave her?”
Kuroiwa-san turned his gaze up front slowly. I frowned because it looked like he was trying to avoid my question. As we stepped on the covered walkway that separates the new school building from the old one where the infirmary was, I asked him again.
“What was the condition exactly?” I asked with clear resolution. There was no way I would just let Kuroiwa-san not answer it this time.
“That’s between me and Miyase-san,” Kuroiwa-san said.
I closed my eyes and stopped walking halfway through the covered walkway. Was this guy serious? Did he really think that I would just let this go and accept his answer? There is no way. I clutched my hands so tight that I felt my nails dug in my palms.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I shouted at Kuroiwa-san. He stopped and turned halfway to face me. But his eyes locked onto mine. “You don’t know anything about what Runa went through last week because of your recklessness!”
I walked toward Kuroiwa-san to meet his stare closer. I wanted him to hear me. I wanted him to listen to every single word I would say to him. He needed to understand.
“Ever since she came back from your apartment, ever since she heard about your condition. No matter how much she tried, it showed on her face. She looked scared, she looked unsure, she looked like her world was being torn to pieces. She tried to keep it all to herself but it showed, yet she kept coming back to you. There’s no way I would just let you answer me with something vague. I won’t allow it. You don’t know how much distress you’ve caused her!” I poured all the tightness in my chest into my words. My eyes gradually gravitated to the ground. And my voice started to sound quieter. “And I worried about her. I kept thinking if I was making the right decision to just let her go alone. And almost every night that’s all I could think about. And because of that… because of that…”
“I apologize,” Kuroiwa-san said. “I understand I caused her distress.”
“Don’t give me that nonsense!” I forced my head up to meet his gaze fiercely. “Don’t tell me that you understand it when you were the one that caused this all!”
Kuroiwa-san just kept his stare. I could feel him trying to observe every expression I was making. I reflexively avoided his eyes and turned my head to the side.
“Did you know that Runa’s mother forbade Runa to go to your apartment yesterday?” I said while my head returned to staring at the ground. “Did you know that when her mother found out, Runa cried herself to sleep? That she’d do that after a night and a day of your study sessions. That you transformed her fears into trust in just an instant. That after just one session. I was so impressed when she started teaching me lessons that I didn’t know about. I couldn’t make her remember one lesson I taught her for a week. And you made her understand a lesson that is more difficult than what I taught her. How did you even do that…?”
I couldn’t sustain the animosity from my voice. The more things I said, the softer they sounded. I was supposed to talk about what Runa was feeling. I was supposed to make him understand what he made her feel. But each sentence I spoke started to reveal what I truly felt.
It’s unfair.
“Even I need help.” I muttered to myself. I was consciously careful for Kuroiwa to not hear it. I wasn’t jealous of Runa about anything. It was just that I also needed what she had. I held my breath and tightened my shoulders. I caught my lips before they could even tremble. I felt the need to cry but I couldn’t afford it. So I had to suppress it, if not, I would spend time fixing my contacts that I was wearing. But still, my eyes couldn’t escape tearing up.
I shut my eyes. I tried to glue them together. Then I heard Kuroiwa walk toward me, then behind me.
“If you can’t tell me what the condition is… then at least tell me what it is for.” I said one last time before he could leave.
I heard nothing. So I turned around to see if he went back inside the new school building without hearing me. And I saw him still standing right in front of the entrance.
“I asked her to show me her resolve,” Kuroiwa-san said, straightforward and true. I didn’t feel like he just lied to me. His eyes, even though I couldn’t read them, didn’t show any malice.
But resolve…
Was I not showing enough resolve?
“The infirmary is close by. I think you can get there on your own at this point.” Kuroiwa-san continued. He carefully turned himself toward the entrance but he paused. “If you overthink too much, your headache will get worse,” he said then started walking.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Afternoon of Tuesday, 4th week of May.
I checked my phone. Still 4:26 pm.
I sat here at the train station for almost an hour now. Today was supposed to be my turn to cover for Runa. Well, yesterday, it was Hina and Yui’s turn. I went home early before lunch break because I genuinely started having a really bad headache. I felt guilty that I had to make Yui and Hina handle covering for Runa, and that I had to volunteer to do it alone today.
Last night, Runa messaged me about her plans to be absent this morning. I wanted to tell her no, but I couldn’t. I knew it was because she needed more time to study. And because of that, this morning, everyone noticed that both Runa and Kuroiwa-san were absent. So naturally, everyone started talking about it. And if these two weren’t careful enough, people would start to misunderstand their relationship. That would be another set of problems if it happened.
Sigh…
I leaned back to get comfortable on the bench I was sitting on. After what happened yesterday, I started to think more about many things. But what I had thought most was what he said.
Resolve.
The word echoed inside my thoughts.
As if I didn’t have it from the start. It was always resolve that kept me up at night to study, it was always resolve that kept me going even if everything started to feel heavy. Resolve was what I gained first before I chose to walk toward this path. So I didn’t think I was lacking it. And I didn’t think that was something I was missing…
So what do I lack?
I didn’t know…
I closed my eyes to think more about it. To try and understand the question itself and find the answer afterwards. After all, leaving it unanswered didn’t sit well in my mind. And it didn't sit well with me all afternoon yesterday, all night last night, and all day today. I didn’t like to call a puzzle complete when it was still missing many pieces.
Suddenly, I felt a vibration inside my bag. I could also hear the faint ringtone coming from it. I hurriedly opened my bag to see what it was all about. Then it was a call… from Runa…
I answered it.
“Hello?” I said.
“Hello, Mika?” Runa spoke from the other side of the call, sounding like she was freaking out.
“What’s wrong?” I asked immediately.
“It’s Kuroiwa-kun, I am walking far ahead of him now so he wouldn’t hear me but he’s following me to the station!”
Huh?
“That creep! Did he finally show his real motives now? Is he stalking you?” I asked genuinely concerned.
“No, it’s not that,” Runa answered. “He said he’s going to my house to meet Mom!”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, he said he wanted to talk to her.”
“You have to stop him! You know your mother is going to kill you if he shows up at your house and finds out you were still going to his apartment alone!!”
“I tried, Mika, I really did. But he wasn’t listening.”
I paused for a second to consider the options we had.
“How about you ditch him. He walks slowly so if you run to the station he won’t be able to follow you,” I gave Runa some advice I thought would definitely work.
“No!” she replied.
“Why not? Runa, this is going to become a disaster if you let him.”
“I know, but he told me he would still go with or without me. And besides, he knew which train I always ride. He has been walking me to the station every time we’re done studying.”
“Seriously?” I said.
“Seriously!” Runa replied. “And also… What if he gets lost?”
“Runa! You’re more concerned about him than what he is about to do to you!?”
“I mean… wait, we’re almost at the station. We’ll talk when we get there.”
“No! Ditch him!”
“Okay bye, talk to you later.”
The phone call ended.
Did she not hear what I said? And what was that weirdo even thinking?
I squeezed my hands because I knew what caused this. I shouldn’t have told him. If only I had known he would be this reckless. A day before the exams started and he chose to do something irresponsible? I couldn’t even imagine what was going to happen later.
This is bad…
This is seriously bad…