Author's Preface
Thursday. Before first period.
I feel lost
I felt very lost.
This morning just didn’t feel right. Every morning this week hadn’t felt right. And I would definitely feel worse as the day went on.
I didn’t know how many minutes had passed since I lowered my head onto my desk. Forehead touching wood and I didn’t care if it was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to me right now was my only real comfort.
The classroom was filled with its usual pre-class noise. Classmates arriving, chairs scraping the floor, bags being dropped, and conversations mixing together. All contained inside this room.
I tried to listen.
None of it was reaching me.
Not right now.
Probably not even later.
While everyone else was enjoying their youth. I was here, too busy having the same argument with myself that I’d been having since before I slept last night.
What do I do?
Unwillingly, I turned my head to my right, where Yui sat. I only noticed now, but she had been working through a box of strawberry Pocky. She had that focused contentment of someone who absolutely was just enjoying a snack early this morning.
My head turned away from her.
I didn’t mind her eating. I wasn’t bothered with that at all. I was more bothered that she seemed unbothered while I was here accepting that uncomfortable is the best comfort I’d had ever since the start of this week. Nope. I am totally fine.
“Are you okay?” Yui asked.
She noticed. I wished she didn’t.
“Yeah,” I said. Still not looking at her directly.
She tugged at my sleeve. I lifted my head, straightened up, and turned.
“Here.” She held out a stick of Pocky, smiling. The way she always smiled when she was trying to make someone feel better.
“You shouldn’t be eating before class.”
“I didn’t have breakfast. This is all I have.”
She pulled the piece back and ate it herself.
“Did you wake up late?” I asked.
“Yep. I didn’t eat breakfast because if I did, I would have missed you guys at the train station.”
Alright, it was bothering me after all. So I had to say it.
“You know, eating snacks early in the morning isn’t healthy,” I finally said.
“Don’t worry,” she replied, still eating, “I have a strong metabolism.”
I stared at her.
Is that… does she think that’s how metabolism works?
My mouth opened. I wanted to say something. Instead, I sighed.
I shouldn’t have asked.
I tried to shake the thought away. It didn’t matter after all. Nothing about Yui’s nutritional logic mattered right now.
“Hey,” I said carefully.
“Yes?”
“What if someone challenged you to climb a really long ladder, and at the very top there was a huge bowl of curry waiting for you. You could eat all of it.”
Her eyes lit up immediately.
“I’ll climb it! Definitely!”
“But,” I said, “if you slip and fall even one step, you have to eat green peas.”
The light from her eyes went out.
“Ugh.” The sound came from her very soul. She never liked green peas. She hated it with such passion she would never talk to you again if you forced her to eat just a single pea.
She thought about it for a bit, placed a finger under her chin, crossed her other arm at the elbow to support it, closed her eyes, and tilted her head slightly.
She’s actually thinking about it?
“How big is the bowl of curry?”
“Huge. Like, really huge.”
“Hmm, well… then I’ll take the risk.” She opened her eyes. Her voice sounded reluctant. But still…
She’ll take the risk…
“Why?” I asked.
“I hate green peas! And I loooove curry,” she answered with no hesitation.
She stared at me. The look in her eyes told me that this was more than just a serious matter for her.
But to be honest… It is for me too.
“But you know, even if the challenge sounds hard, if there is a prize in the end that I really love, then I would do it,” she continued, almost casually, like she didn’t hesitate just a while ago. “I think before you take on a challenge, you look at the prize first. Before you look at the risk, you ask yourself… is it worth it?”
I blinked.
“The huge curry bowl at the top… super huge curry bowl. I think it is worth the risk!” Yui continued, suddenly sounding excited.
I looked down at my own hands. I felt a sudden shift inside me. Not entirely a huge one, just a slight tug into a direction that I had not thought about. Something different that I hadn’t considered before.
Is it worth it?
I pressed both hands flat against my chest without meaning to.
Suddenly, Yui popped up in front of me, leaning forward. I felt like she was trying to read whatever was written in my face.
“So?” she said. “What is it about?”
“Uh… no, I mean… well…”
“Is it about the condition?”
I went still.
“...Yeah.”
“Ooh,” she said, leaning a little bit closer. “So what is it?”
“I can’t tell you… It’s…” I didn’t know what to say. What could I even say? “It’s something that…”
“Okay,” she said.
I paused for a bit.
“What?”
“Well.” She smiled. “I could force you to tell me now. But it’s almost time for class.”
I looked at the clock hanging way above the black board. Placed in the center of the wall.
She was right. The teacher would be here any second.
I let out a breath.
Out of relief?
Yes, mostly. I was aware that this would be brought up again later. But at least I got a lot more time to think about what to say.
Maybe… if I could think about anything.
My eyes drifted without permission toward the back of the room.
He isn’t here…
At least that was one less person I had to think about all day. But this afternoon…
I stared at his empty seat for a moment longer than I needed to.
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Lunch. Rooftop.
Ever since we were in first year, the rooftop had become our place during lunch. The four of us appreciated the quiet it brought to us. Nobody else came up here for some reason. And if there were any, they would see us and go back down.
We ate lunch here most days. When it wasn’t raining at least. It had just become the thing we did.
This morning the teacher had done the roll call the same way he always did. When he reached Kuroiwa’s name, he just moved on… No explanation, no pauses, he did not even wonder why he didn’t get any response.
Usually when a student was absent, they would call the school to tell the teacher. But somehow it seemed like Mr. Tanaka did not even think to share it with the class. He always did. But today he didn’t.
Did he even call? I thought. I felt like Kuroiwa probably did not.
I hadn’t expected this. That I would feel bad about how he was treated.
After all…
A week ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But now, after seeing what he actually did, his room, his work, and his goals. Those were different pictures of his life painted on a wall separate from what we all saw at school. Everyday he sat on his seat, yet everyday he didn’t exist to anyone.
It’s all so strange.
“You know what!?” Yui announced before we’d even properly settled down, lunch box already in her hand. “Miyamura-senpai from the basketball club and Anegasaki-senpai… they’re dating!”
I saw Mika glance at her in disbelief. I could tell that she was asking herself if Yui was actually going to do this now. After a brief look, she went back to getting her lunch out. Her lunch box bag looked almost like a small purse. That’s very Mika.
“Really?” Hina said. She sounded interested… or probably not.
“I saw them this morning holding hands on the way to school. But when other students got close they separated and just walked normally. Like nothing!”
Mika frowned without looking up. “We all walked to school together from the station this morning.”
Yui slowly turned her head toward Mika. Smiling like she knew Mika was going to say what she had just said.
“I have very good peripheral vision.”
Mika closed her eyes briefly. Hina was quietly amused.
I giggled.
“Just by tilting my head slightly…” Yui demonstrated. “…I can see what’s a few meters behind us in the corner of my eye. They were right there the whole time and none of you noticed!”
“Wow,” Hina said. “It’s like you have a superpower.”
“Yes. My very own.” Yui straightened up proudly.
Hina smiled. Mika sighed for a bit then started eating carefully and calmly. I could tell she was still not fully used to how Yui exposed her energy to everyone, even after a year together. Although, I thought, she was getting better at handling her now.
“Also,” Yui continued, sitting down and finally opening her own lunch box, “Sakamoto-kun from our class confessed to Nakano-chan. You know, the girl from the library committee in 2-C.”
“The one who’s always peeking into our classroom when she walks past?” Hina asked.
“Yes! They were behind the school building Tuesday afternoon. And she rejected him. That’s why Sakamoto-kun was absent yesterday and today he looks terrible.”
Mika looked like she was trying to restrain herself, but eventually she asked. “Tuesday afternoon you were with us. You know… during that whole thing. How did you even see that?”
Yui looked at her with the patience of someone who had already read her like an open book.
“Very good peripheral vision.” She winked.
Mika groaned and I bit the inside of my cheek.
“One glance out the classroom window and I could see the entire view of the back building. I happened to look at the right moment.”
Hina gave a small, genuine clap. “Impressive.”
“Aren’t I?” Yui said, settling back with great dignity.
“But then why was Nakano-chan looking into our classroom?” Mika asked, and I could tell from her tone that she had already decided not to care whether she would regret asking this or not.
“I figured that out too.” Yui pointed her chopsticks forward. “She wasn’t looking at Sakamoto-kun. She was looking at his best friend! Katou-kun! Who sits right next to him.”
“Oh,” Hina said, with the delight of someone who finally got into the most interesting part of a television drama. “A love triangle.”
“Exactly like in dramas!” I said, because at this point, I was already invested.
I heard Mika sigh beside me.
While Yui and Hina continued for a few more exchanges, Mika spoke to me.
“So.” She set her chopsticks down. “What happened yesterday?”
Yui stopped talking mid-sentence.
Hina was already staring at us expecting to hear my answer.
I… I didn’t feel ready to say anything.
The rooftop went a little quieter.
I stared at my food for a moment before I found the first few words that appeared in my mind.
“Nothing really happened,” I said.
“What do you mean?” Yui asked.
I turned my chopsticks over in my hand once. Twice.
My friends patiently waited, but I knew I couldn’t let them wait any longer.
“I got there, he let me in, I sat in his living room, he got me a soda, he brought out a table, and then we talked about the condition. He said I didn’t have to give him an answer right then. That if I came back today it would mean I accepted, and if I didn’t that was fine too. And then I went home.”
“That’s really all?” Hina asked.
“Yeah.”
I wasn’t lying. Everything I said was true. There were just some things I didn’t add. Because they would land very heavy no matter the words I chose to say. His workspace, his sacrifices, and then the condition itself. And how he would just sit on the sofa and read his book after all that. Like nothing, like everything he had just said didn’t matter at all.
I took a quick look at Mika and I knew already what she was going to say.
“What’s the condition?”
I knew it
“...I can’t tell you.”
“That’s not acceptable.” Her voice lifted slightly. “I knew I should have come with you.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “I’m going to be fine. You don’t need to worry.”
Mika stared at me. Her eyebrows knitting showed that she didn’t like what she heard.
“Why are you saying it like you’ve already decided to go back?”
I opened my mouth. Closed it.
Have I?
I thought about it and slowly, I was surrounded by quiet.
“I…” I hesitated.
“You have decided to go, haven’t you?” The tone of her voice started to sound accusatory. “I can tell.”
I didn’t argue.
I knew I haven’t decided yet.
Or… maybe…
I was just convincing myself that I hadn’t decided even though I was already thinking about what would happen this afternoon.
“How can you always make reckless decisions like that?” Mika continued.
“I haven’t said I am going, right?” I replied.
“But you didn’t say that you wouldn’t go.”
“Mika, don’t make up things I haven’t said.”
“It doesn’t matter, what matters most is that you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to always expose yourself to danger.”
“It’s not dangerous.” I paused. I knew I was lying.
“If it’s not, then tell us what Kuroiwa’s condition is.”
“I… it’s none of your business…”
I looked down.
I noticed that both Mika and my lunchbox were already lying on the concrete. Grains of rice everywhere. Her favorite dish, my favorite dish, both our chopsticks… they were thrown when we stood up. I didn’t even realize I had stood up. She probably didn’t either.
Mika grabbed my hand.
“You don’t have to go,” she said and her voice was trying to reach me even though I could hear it perfectly. “We can go back to studying together. All four of us. We’ll find a different approach this time. We’ll do better.”
“There’s no time,” I said quietly. “Midterms are next week, only six days left, including today. If one week didn’t produce any result… how would six days be different?”
Mika let go of my hand.
“So instead you are choosing to accept a condition you can’t even tell us? You’re choosing to believe what he said?” Mika’s words were just coming, she wasn’t stopping herself anymore. “He is not a miracle worker. It’s not like he can actually turn your scores around in six days either!”
She paused for a second and let out a small gasp. I could see it on her face… regret… and the recognition of what she’d just implied. That even if I tried, the outcome was already written. That I was going to fail regardless.
She didn’t say she was sorry. She just looked down. I saw her grip both her hands but also bite her lip trying not to say anymore.
What she said was true. I couldn’t deny it. And that’s exactly why I needed to say what I was about to say.
“He told me he can.” I kept my voice careful. Even. “He told me my answers weren’t random. That even though they were wrong, they were well thought of. That if we applied the right methods, I would eventually produce the right answers.”
“You can’t trust him,” Mika mumbled.
“I don’t,” I said it plainly. “But he’s the only hope I have left.”
My hands tightened slightly on my sides.
“I don’t want to worry my mother anymore,” I said. “All four of us have been studying together since last year, but I still ended up taking supplementary lessons. It’s even a miracle that I was able to move up with you all. Last year was hard enough and now the material is harder. I laughed it off to you guys whenever I failed a subject. I tried not to show you that I was actually worried. Whenever I was at home, I studied. Whenever I was with you, I studied. But no matter how many times we did this, I could never keep up. I feel like I’ve wasted all your time, and I don’t…” My voice choked for a second, but I pushed through it. “I don’t want to be a burden to all of you anymore...”
Tears welled from the corner of my eyes. I fought to keep them from dropping but they kept on flowing down my cheeks.
I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see myself in the expressions my friends were wearing right now.
I felt Mika come closer, and then I felt her arms wrap around me. She buried her face against my shoulder and I felt it slowly getting soaked.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“Don’t be.” I shook my head slightly. “It’s not your fault. You’ve been helping me a lot since we were kids. How could any of this be your fault?”
Mika let go of me but not my hands. She gripped them tightly, but carefully.
“Are you going?” she asked. Her voice was still faint with sobs.
“...Yeah.”
Yui made a sound from somewhere and then her arms were around both of us, holding on without saying anything, trying very hard not to sob and not quite managing.
After a moment Hina stood up. She came to us and placed her hand on each of our heads in turn. Gently, unhurried. Then she looked at Mika.
“If you’re that worried,” she said, “go with her this afternoon. You don’t have to go inside. Just wait nearby.”
“What if it takes a long time?” I asked.
“Then she goes home.” Hina’s voice was calm. “But we both know she won’t.”
“I’ll wait,” Mika said immediately. She pulled back enough to look at me properly, eyes still wet but firm and steady. “I’ll come with you and wait outside. Somewhere close.”
I nodded.
Yui, still holding both of us, let out a long shaky breath.
“Please don’t fight again,” she said, almost begging.
“Yui.” Hina’s voice was gentle. “That’s just how it is sometimes. We argue because we care. And then we come back to each other. That’s what it means to be friends.”
Yui peeked up at her, still sniffling, as she thought about what Hina had just told her.
“Okay,” she said quietly.
I looked at the three of them. Mika with her wet eyes and her steady conviction. Yui, who had wrapped herself around us both and refused to let go. Hina, who knew exactly what to say whenever things like this happened.
These were my people. All of them. And I wasn’t going to let myself fail in front of them without having tried absolutely everything available to me first.
This afternoon…
I’ll have my resolve.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Afternoon.
Mika walked with me to the building and stopped at the park just beside it. She’d insisted she wasn’t going anywhere. I told her she didn’t need to wait if I took too long, but she only gave me the look, her look that said she heard me, but she was the one who would decide whether she stayed or not.
I smiled at her. She smiled back. We laughed for a bit, the kind of laugh that showed that we were both okay, that we were both fine and we were going to be best friends for a long time.
I went inside, found the intercom panel, and typed in Kuroiwa’s room number.
“Who?”
Hmm?
His voice sounded a bit different today. Was he sick? I mean, it still sounded stern and strict but… somehow a bit mellowed.
I shook my head.
Mellow didn’t seem like the right word to describe him. It didn’t seem right at all. I didn’t know why I thought of it.
I told him it was me, then the inner door opened.
I took the elevator to the fifth floor, and when I stopped in front of his door I immediately found the doorbell. I had reminded myself of that one ever since I entered the lobby.
I pressed it and waited.
A few seconds passed and the door opened.
Then I understood what was bothering me about his voice earlier.
He looked… exhausted…
His hair was messier than its usual mess. The shadows under his eyes were darker and more pronounced. The way he was standing wasn’t quite as straight as it always was, like he was acutely aware that if he didn’t balance himself, he would fall.
“Wait here,” he said.
He left the door open and disappeared into the other room he hadn’t shown me yesterday.
I didn’t know what to think. Was he not going to invite me in?
This is quite awkward.
A minute passed. One minute of pure confusion ran through my mind. Maybe it was even five minutes. Who knows, all I know was that I was standing in front of his door, outside his open door to be exact.
Why is everything with him always so specific and so unclear at the same time?
I sighed quietly.
And then he came back.
With notebooks?
A lot of them… stacked and thick. I could already see myself struggling to hold all of them in my hands. And I could also see him struggling to keep his balance while carrying them as he kept walking towards me.
He managed though.
“Hands,” he said.
That didn’t sound right to me for some reason.
But I still reached both my hands out.
He placed all those notebooks on top of them and I almost fell. Thankfully I didn’t.
“The three notebooks at the bottom are for the finals. You won’t be needing them right now,” he explained.
I tried to count how many notebooks he had placed on my hands.
… nine…
Nine notebooks… Nine? Each one as thick as a novel?
“The rest are the ones you’ll need for midterms. They will also be used for the finals,” he continued
“That’s… that’s a lot,” I said. I had no idea that we needed this many notebooks for this term. Do we really?
“That’s all,” he said. “You can go home now.”
I blinked.
That’s it? Just… here are some notebooks, go home?
He moved to close the door.
“Wait.” The word came out before I’d decided to say it.
He stopped.
“Are we not starting today?” I asked.
“No need. There’s enough time.”
Is there though?
My mouth moved before my brain caught up.
“Why were you absent?”
“I was writing those.” He nodded at the notebooks in my arms.
He wrote these!? Really?
I wanted to check, I wanted to look inside one of the notebooks, but my arms were currently occupied and I found myself wishing I could grow at least one more. Just for this moment.
“Since… when?”
“Yesterday, after you left. I finished a few minutes before you arrived today.”
I stared at him.
“Did you sleep?”
“No.”
“Why?”
He looked at me and I guessed he was trying to understand why I asked a question with an obvious answer.
“You want to pass,” he said. “I wrote you materials to help you do that.”
I opened my mouth to say something… maybe a thank you, maybe ask him why again, or ask what was wrong with him… but none of it came out.
He hadn’t slept just to write all these nine notebooks I was carrying? I didn’t understand. Every time I thought I had some tiny grasp of who he was, he would just shatter it right in front of me.
I had asked him why?
He had answered because I needed help.
I had asked him again…
He had answered because I wanted to pass.
Was it really that simple to him? That he didn’t have to think too much about it. Just, I could help you so I would help you.
Why?
I asked him that question one more time from my thoughts.
“Is that all?” he said.
“Umm… wait.” I hesitated for a bit. “Don’t you need to hear my decision?”
He stared at me for a moment.
“But you are here now.”
This guy…
I just nodded, I didn’t know what to say anymore.
“If that’s all then… Goodnight…” he said as he slowly closed his door.
It was the middle of the afternoon. The light outside was still golden.
I stood there for a few more minutes until my arms started reminding me I was holding nine heavy notebooks.
I placed them on the floor first, knelt down, then carefully placed eight of them in my bag. They were so thick that one of them had to be left out. I stood up and carefully balanced the weight of my bag while I tucked the remaining notebook under my armpit.
I faced his door and bowed just a little. The only way I could express gratitude now, because I didn’t earlier while he was here.
I walked towards the elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor and waited for the doors to close. I started thinking about Mika waiting in the park below, about the curry at the top of the ladder, about the image of him sitting alone in that room all night writing materials for someone he’d spoken to exactly twice.
I don’t trust him, I told Mika. And that was true.
But maybe it wasn’t about that at all.
Maybe… it was more about whether the prize was worth it or not…
I felt the heaviness of my bag, then took the notebook under my armpits and gripped it with my hand.
Then a thought came right after.
I think it’s worth it.