Author's Preface
Monday. Night. 9:02 PM.
All afternoon, the rain fell heavily. It poured as if it wanted to quench the thirst of the ground waiting below it. But there wasn’t any soil when each drop reached down. There was only concrete. And the rhythm it made against my umbrella synced with the heavy thoughts I’d been carrying for the past few weeks, escalating everything I felt. I felt lonely, even with Hina and Yui always by my side. Mika not being with us just didn’t feel right.
“Runa-san?” The voice from the laptop Mom bought for me two weeks ago carefully called for me. I slowly turned toward it as I kept my head lying on my desk. I rested my cheek against the wooden surface below. It was cold. The rain had been relentless all afternoon. And although it had settled as night fell, it had absorbed a lot of the warmth that the day had radiated before the rain came.
I turned toward the voice. And I giggled to myself, soft and silent, as I stared at Rei-kun on the monitor. He was just sitting there. I wasn’t even within the webcam’s view, yet he just sat there patiently, like he always did.
“Runa!” Mom, who was sitting on my bed, called me with a commanding tone.
I pouted.
I was not sure if I really wanted to delve into another grueling pattern of rinse and repeat. My mind was filled with Mika—seeing her on the side of the road, and Katou holding her like that.
I looked at my hand.
I almost jumped out of the taxi before it pulled over, just so I could stop Katou from tormenting Mika. I had seen her face filled with anguish, like she had just accepted her fate. I wasn’t going to let her. And I didn't, delivering a slap across the face of that disgusting excuse for a man named Katou. He was friends with Takeda and Sakamoto, who both had reputations for being honest. And I had never said anything bad about Katou.
So…
I thought he was decent.
I thought wrong.
Just like how I had thought about Rei-kun before.
Just… in the opposite way…
It was kind of funny, actually. Because I thought Rei-kun was trying to take advantage of me. In the end, he was just being sincere. And maybe a little too extreme with his conditions. But overall, from what I had seen so far and experienced during our month together, he had always proven that he truly wanted to help me. And he did it, yet he still continued, until—as he said—he fulfilled his goal of getting me into the top ten. And in turn, he became… somewhat… special… to me… in a lot of ways…
My eyes drifted far away, not to my desk, nor toward the notebooks and textbooks lined up on it. Much, much farther. Somewhere my thoughts had been longing to go back to.
“Rei-kun is calling for you, Runa!” my mom commanded once more.
I snapped back and seated myself properly. Mom startled me when her voice suddenly grew louder. I thought she was going to yell at me. But… what was she still doing in my room anyway?
“Runa-san,” Rei-kun said from the monitor. “I think we should take a break.”
“N-no—I—” I tried to find the right words to say to him. But Mom nearby had me second-guessing what I wanted to say.
Don’t go!
Stay with me longer!
We can take a break, but let’s talk for a while.
I bit my lip and stared at my mom in disappointment.
“What?” Mom said with a smile, not knowing the torment she was making me feel right now.
“Nothing…” I whispered to her.
I turned my attention back toward Rei-kun as he waited for me patiently. I pouted, but then I turned my face away.
“Are you sleepy, Rei-kun?” I asked him, a hint of a tantrum leaking into my voice.
“Not really,” Rei-kun replied in the same flat voice I was already used to. “But I think we’ve covered enough for tonight. We can always continue tomorrow.”
“Fine…” I reluctantly said. I stared at him.
“Hey,” I whispered, loud enough for him to hear, though some air escaped with my voice. “Same time tomorrow night?”
He didn’t answer, but he nodded.
I gave him a small smile and waved my hand before deciding to end the call.
…
Who was I kidding? I waved at the camera for a few more minutes after that. I didn’t really know why, but the more I thought about ending the call, the more I wanted to keep talking to him. It felt really hard to actually press the button to end the moment.
If only Mom wasn’t here…
And so, because she was here, I eventually ended it.
“Why did you drop the call?” Mom asked with obvious disappointment in her voice.
“Huh? What are you talking about?” I replied as I looked at her from my bed, genuinely confused.
“It’s too early, don’t you think?” Mom crossed her arms and tilted her head slightly. She looked at the empty monitor where Rei-kun had been, then she looked at me. “Usually there’s at least an hour left before you guys decide to stop studying. And then a few extra minutes of you just staring at him, hiding yourself from the camera and smiling.”
I felt a rush of heat climb toward my cheeks. “Mom!” I yelled, unable to look her in the eye. “I thought you were just here to supervise him! Not observing what I was doing. Concentrate on him, not me!”
I quickly crossed my arms on top of my desk and hid my face there.
“Look at how precious you are,” Mom giggled.
“What is wrong with you? A few weeks ago you were completely against this,” my voice came out muffled against the desk.
“Well, that was before. Now that I know more about Rei-kun, I’ve changed my mind a bit.”
I peeked at her through the gap beneath my arm, and I could see her merrily smiling and humming.
I could guess why.
And it was definitely the reason she had changed her mind about him.
When I showed her my midterm results—all of which scored above 70. And every single day since then her mood grew brighter, and the meals she cooked started tasting even better. But what I didn’t understand was why she was always here whenever Rei-kun and I started our study sessions.
The first time Rei-kun and I had a video call, she had said, 'I want to see what you guys usually do.' I thought a day or two would convince her that we were actually studying rather than doing whatever she imagined we were doing. But then…
Two days became three…
Three became a week…
A week became two weeks…
And she had been sitting here in my room from the start. What was she thinking? I hadn’t asked her yet… Maybe I should…
I raised my head and paused for a moment. I took a breath and faced Mom slowly.
“If you’ve already changed your mind about him, then can you please let me go to his apartment so we can study more efficiently?” I asked with all the courage I could muster.
“No,” she replied quickly and bluntly, without even taking a second to think about it.
“Why?”
“It’s still not appropriate…” she said, taking a moment to choose her next words. “...That’s one thing. But more importantly, I wouldn’t be able to watch how cute you are in front of him.”
“Huh—what?” I stuttered, another wave of embarrassment creeping across my face. “What do you mean by that?”
“I mean, I like how you sometimes forget I’m here and try to find ways to make Rei-kun flustered,” she explained excitedly. “I can see why you try—his reactions are funny and adorable.”
“MOM!” I yelled with every fiber of my being, mortified by what she had just revealed. “If you’re going to be like that, then go watch your dramas instead!”
“Hmm…” she paused. “I wonder… I think this is much better than what’s on TV at the moment.”
I shrank into a ball, hiding my face behind my knees as I found a spot on my seat to rest the soles of my feet.
I was hiding…
I did not exist…
I didn’t want my mom or anyone else to find me in whatever world I was escaping to inside my own head.
I—
“Alright, alright,” Mom exhaled from across the room. “I won’t bother you next time, okay?”
I hesitantly peeked out from behind my knees and stared at her. “...Are you sure?”
“Of course…” Mom assured me with a smile. But then, “...but maybe I can stay for twenty minutes before I leave?”
“MooOOooom!” I yelled. There was no way I could let her stay in my room after what she had just admitted to me.
“Okay,” she replied, a touch of disappointment in her voice. “But can you at least tell me about your session afterward?”
I snapped. This was getting ridiculous.
PRIVACY.
I needed privacy!
“No!” I insisted. “No more supervising, no more staying in my room, and no more trying to pry into what I do with Rei-kun!”
“That last one sounds a bit inappro—”
“You know it’s not!” I yelled one last time as I grabbed her hands and guided her toward the door.
“Runa—wait, stop!” she whined.
I stopped. I was frustrated, but I didn’t want to hurt her. But when I looked at her face, she was grinning.
“Can I at least ask Rurika to stay in your room during your study session instead of me?”
That did it. I gently pushed her out the door.
“Wait—”
I didn’t fall for her whining this time and shut the door firmly in front of her. I frowned, letting that be the last thing she saw before I closed it.
“Stingy,” she teased from the hallway. When I finally heard her footsteps head downstairs, I sank to the floor.
“What is going on… today…” I muttered to myself, feeling completely exhausted. Then, uncertainty took over.
Earlier this evening, I had called Rei-kun to ask if Mika was okay…
I was surprised when she turned out to be the one answering his phone. I had assumed she didn’t want to talk to me anymore, so hearing her voice after three weeks of silence was an immense relief.
She thanked me for saving her and apologized for avoiding me, Hina, and Yui.
Those weren’t the things I needed to hear from her. I didn’t need her thanks or her apologies—there was no reason for them. I just wanted to know how she had been.
But…
“I need to talk to you about something tomorrow. And I need to tell you in person,” she had said.
That left me with a mix of confusion over what she wanted to say, excitement that we could finally talk again, and uneasiness at the tone of her voice… Those words held a weight of realization she had come to while we were apart.
Was I ready for tomorrow? Would I be able to carry that weight?
I didn’t know… I really didn’t know.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday. Lunch. Rooftop
I could feel my knees, hands, and shoulders shaking. I also had to bite my lip from time to time to stop it from trembling. My toes constantly lifted my feet, and I went up and down with a varying tempo with how my toes heard the music of jittering that was pounding in my chest.
“What are you doing, Runa?” Yui said beside me. I didn’t turn to look at her because my eyes were busy looking at the floor, the exit door to the rooftop, the sky, and my own toes. “You look like you’re having constipation.”
That did it. I snapped at her with a glare. Then I noticed she was doing the same.
“Look who’s talking,” I taunted. “You look worse than me.”
She wasn’t, but I didn’t want her to have the upper hand in this conversation. Then… as evidence of how effective my taunt was, Yui suddenly grabbed my arm and started pulling me frantically.
“What should I do?!” she yelled in a panic. “It’s been so long since I talked to her, I’m not sure how anymore!”
“Sto—”
Yui let go of my arm, then squatted down on the floor, facing away from me. I couldn’t see her face, but I was sure she was covering her mouth with her hands.
“What if the reason why she stopped talking to us was because I kept teasing her!?” Yui gasped in sudden grim realization. “What if it was my fault!? What do I tell her? How should I speak to her!?” Yui peeked from behind me with puppy eyes welling with tears. “Runa~” she begged. “Apologize for me~”
“Haah!? If you’re the one who did something wrong, then you should be the one to apologize,” I corrected her logic.
“But we’re friends, aren’t we?” Yui stood up facing me and leaned forward, tempting me to look her in the eyes. “Pwetty Pwease~~” she added a pitch to her voice and started to act cutely, with both hands clasped together under her chin.
Who wouldn’t be tempted?
“I—uhh—mmph—well—”
“Yui, you’re exaggerating.” Finally, Hina spoke beside Yui and saved me.
“I’m not exaggerating though,” Yui said, then slowly turned her gaze toward the floor. “I… I really am not sure what to tell her.”
I stared at Yui, my eyes embracing her with sympathy. I understood exactly how she felt.
It was kind of funny, actually. I had been friends with Mika the longest. Yet, I was fairly sure I was the one who didn’t know how to talk to her anymore. More than a decade of being together, yet in less than a month we became strangers. When I talked to her yesterday evening, I only listened. When I was about to tell her something, I choked…
I bit my lip… hard…
“How about we start with listening to what Mika says first,” Hina smiled at Yui and me, which made both of us stare at her to listen. “And then we’ll probably know what to say to her after, right?”
“Ooooh, Hina, you’re so smart,” Yui’s glee came back right away.
But mine came back only halfway. Doubt still raced through my mind. And doubt still froze the thoughts of me telling Mika what I really wanted to tell her. I should take this time to—
The rooftop door finally opened.
I guess I had no time after all…
And slowly Mika appeared… behind her were Suzuki-chan and Wakaba-chan.
Those two girls with Mika… I’d heard a lot of rumors about them… But of course I’d stopped judging them based on those rumors. Not when I watched how they interacted with Mika. After all, rumors were not the truth.
Which made me think of what Hina had told me before.
There’s a difference between knowing someone, talking to them, and not caring at all.
I still remembered that… I still lived by that…
But I still couldn’t help but let these clouds form inside my chest. Because… I had watched Mika transform beside them. I couldn’t believe it when I saw her one day showing up at school wearing makeup. Her lips were suddenly glossy, her cheeks blushing, and her eyes had become more defined. She started wearing her skirt short—not as short as how I wore it or those two girls beside her, but even a millimeter higher was already significant enough to constitute change for her. She was also more into decorating her hair, with two clips holding her bangs and different hair ties for her twin tails every day. Unlike before, where she only wore two or three for the whole week.
I wasn’t angry, or disappointed, or feeling any of that frustration or jealousy. I was just sad. Sad that it wasn’t me who was with her when she experienced those changes. Sad that it wasn’t me who was successful in convincing her to try wearing makeup. Sad that I only watched her bloom without me. Sad that I wasn’t there…
“Hi~” A cheerful greeting came closer toward us.
“Omigosh… can you believe this, Ayane-chi!?”
“Yeah, I can’t… This is truly surreal.”
“Like, we’re totally in front of the beauty trio.”
“And with Mika being here, the four idol beauties of our school are complete.”
“Like, totally!”
“Right~”
“Right~”
…
“Huh?” Yui whispered beside me. “Who’s saying what? I can’t follow what they’re saying.”
If she couldn’t follow who was talking during those non-stop chats between Suzuki-chan and Wakaba-chan, that made it even harder for me.
I could hear Yui wanting to say something when she swallowed some air, but…
“Like, Omigosh, I’m so excited.”
“True, like, seriously, we never even dreamt of being near you before.”
“And this is like a dream come true.”
“Oh, by the way… you can just call me Kanoko.”
“Ayane-chi~”
Both of them stopped and looked at me.
“Kanoko-chan…” I looked at her, then switched to the one beside her. “Ayane-chan…”
Ayane-chan pulled her lips to the side. “Well, I’ve been trying to make Mii-chan call me Ayane-chi and failed. I guess that’s close enough,” she said, then smiled.
“Nice to meet you.” Both of them reached out their arms toward Hina, Yui, and me.
And we only stared for a moment, then we took them finally. Then they shook our hands enthusiastically.
“Then I guess you can call me Runa,” I said.
“Call me Yui,” Yui said.
“Hina,” Hina said.
“Alright!” Kanoko-chan raised her hand and cheered. “Can you believe this, Ayane-chi! I touched Yui-chi’s hands!”
Yui beside me stared at her hands with confusion in her eyes as she looked back and forth between them. “What’s wrong with my hands? Do they contain magic I didn’t know about?” she whispered.
“Right? And look at Hina-san’s skin, it’s glowing. Especially on her cheeks,” Ayane-chan squealed. “So smoooooth.”
Hina beside Yui placed a hand on her cheek. “Oh my,” she simply said.
Then both Ayane-chan and Kanoko-chan looked at me.
“As for Runa-chi,” Kanoko said. “We have someone who actually wants to talk to you.”
“And you interrupted that talk, Kan-chan,” Ayane-chan scolded her.
“Wha—you were the one that fangirled the most, you know.”
“That wasn’t true, you were the one that was squealing all over.”
“I did not.”
“You did though.”
Then Mika cleared her throat behind them. “Ehem,” she muttered.
Both Ayane-chan and Kanoko-chan turned to her.
“Sorry, Mika-chi. I guess I totally got carried away,” Kanoko-chan cheerfully apologized. And Mika only smiled at her.
“It’s fine,” Mika said.
“I guess it’s your stage now, Mii-chan,” Ayane-chan walked behind Mika and let her walk in front. Kanoko-chan did the same.
Mika stared me in the eyes at first, then slowly looked down. She looked hesitant standing before me a few feet away. But when she gathered up some air to breathe, she started to fill her steps with certainty.
And now…
I was the one who looked away…
“Runa,” Mika said when she reached me. I had heard her voice over the phone, but hearing it in person was much different. The usual spiritedness of her voice was still there and I was glad to listen to it again. But her usual direct and blunt tone was also present, which made me even more nervous than I was before they came. “Can you do me a favor… and… listen to me first?” she said, looking not only at me, but toward Yui and Hina as well.
I nodded. I imagined Yui and Hina did the same.
“I… umm… I’m really not sure how to begin, actually,” Mika continued. “But I guess I should start by apologizing to the three of you.”
Mika bowed deeply.
And I knew I was not the only one who felt that the world stopped turning afterward. Yui gasped beside me, but as she was about to walk toward Mika, Mika raised herself up.
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry for avoiding you these past three weeks. I had so many things that were making me confused that I genuinely didn’t know how to face all of you.” Mika paused for a breath and Yui stepped back to her proper place. I didn’t know what she was thinking if she sensed something else that Mika was going to say. But I saw her eyes drop to the floor in sadness. “And then I stupidly chose to just carry those burdens myself.”
Mika raised her head to look up at the sky. “This is not an excuse, but the day I was supposed to come here, it was the day I finally confirmed my greatest fear before the exams. I wasn’t able to concentrate prior to midterms, and because of that, when I saw my ranking on the board, instead of going toward the three of you, I ran away.”
Mika brought her gaze down to me. “Runa, I’m really sorry. During that time, I walked out of Kuro-kun’s apartment. I couldn’t tell you directly why I did it. Although, I know exactly why. I just didn’t want to admit it. And when I felt guilty for leaving you behind afterward, I just made up things in my mind so I could justify why I should be angry with you, when in fact, I shouldn’t have. And I had the audacity to make it seem like you did something wrong. And I really am sorry about that.”
“No, you shouldn’t, Mika…” I said, though barely a whisper. “I should have been more considerate, I mean, it’s because of that, right?”
Mika looked at me in surprise, but then she smiled and nodded.
“Yeah,” she said. “I was jealous of you back then.”
I knew it…
I knew she was…
I knew she had already been looking at Rei-kun a lot more when that week had started. I knew she was smiling at him, looking like she was having so much fun when she met him at the station, when Rei-kun decided to come to talk to Mom. And I knew that she was stealing glances at him when we were at his apartment.
I knew all of that…
And yet, when I saw her so close to Rei-kun after Mom called me, my mind froze. Then I just started teasing Rei-kun… in front of her… I don’t know… I got scared…
And I confronted her later. I felt bad at first, but I ended up blaming it all on her. Just like what she thought she did. I was the one who was at fault, not her. That night, when she was supposed to meet us here on the rooftop, I only managed to call her twice to check up on her. Because calling a third time scared me… But… right now… she was the one apologizing… not me…
“I knew for a fact that you got jealous when you saw me sitting near Kuro-kun that time,” Mika said.
And I quickly opened my mouth to deny her, but… She was standing here before me, being honest… Why couldn’t I do the same? So… I closed my eyes… and I nodded silently… leaving my eyes staring downward.
Beside me, I could see from the corner of my eye that Yui’s eyes widened. Then she started looking back and forth between me and Mika with surprise on her face. But she didn’t talk.
“Wow…”
“This is deeper than I expected.”
“Totally.”
“It got interesting all of a sudden…”
Kanoko-chan and Ayane-chan whispered loudly behind Mika…
But both Mika and I didn't pay attention to everyone else. What mattered at that moment were the next words that had to be spoken… And Mika chose to be the one to say them…
“I don’t think with how impulsive and jealous the both of us are, that we can have a healthy friendship, when both of us fell for the same weirdo…” Mika smiled. She called Rei-kun ‘weirdo’, but the way she said it was more endearing than insulting.
“Mika, I’m sorry. But I still don’t know if—”
“If you really don’t know… then are you willing to give up on him for me?”
I opened my mouth…
I thought about just saying yes…
But I couldn’t…
Why?
I wasn’t sure… I didn’t know… Do I really—
“That settles it then,” Mika smiled. And then she bowed one more time. “Runa, I really am glad you were there to save me from Katou-san. I will never forget this debt I owe you.”
“You don’t need to thank me,” I whispered. “You helped me more as we grew up together. Between us, I should be the one who should thank you more.”
Mika raised her head, then looked at my face, still smiling. “Then I guess we’re even,” she said, turning toward the door. “I’ll miss you, Runa… you too, Hina and Yui…” she whispered and started walking.
“Wait!” Yui yelled beside me. “Isn’t this unfair!”
But Mika didn’t turn around…
Kanoko-chan and Ayane-chan followed her. Both were apologizing as they walked. Ayane-chan bowed slightly, while Kanoko-chan was pressing her hands together.
I just stared.
I really didn’t know what to say. But Yui beside me, despite worrying earlier, actually knew what to say.
“MIKA, YOU IDIOT! YOU COULD HAVE TOLD US EARLIER INSTEAD!!” she yelled. She yelled with all her heart.
Hina beside her was just looking down. There was uncertainty on her face as well. This was the first time I saw her unable to say anything to Mika. I couldn’t hear what she was muttering clearly, but I at least heard her say, ‘I never thought this would happen.’
As for me, my head spun around, trying to figure out which was the right question to ask…
Did I have to sacrifice uncertainty to repair the friendship I broke?
Or…
Did I have to move on and chase the one that might bring me the most happiness? Even though I wasn’t sure if I actually did want it.
Which was it?
I didn’t know…