Author's Preface
Tuesday night, 4th week of May
Kuroiwa Rei…
He was someone that I thought was a trouble maker. I was terrified of him. I never had any intentions to get near him. He was different. He wasn’t normal. His eyes were scary, the way he walked was scary, the way he talked was scary. But recently… he wasn’t as scary as I thought he was…
It bothered me that he asked Runa to go to his apartment alone… I blamed him for being the reason why Runa and I fought… I was skeptical about the condition—the one I still knew nothing about… And I never fully trusted him…
But that was before…
When I saw his notebooks, I admired them… When Runa showed some knowledge she learned from him, I was impressed… When I talked to him in the hallway, I was mesmerized… When I vented at him, I was vulnerable… And when I saw him bravely standing in front of Runa’s Mom… I was…
I had to stop myself from thinking any further about what it could be. Not now… not yet…
All I knew… was that… ever since the day he specifically called me annoying…
I had never stopped thinking about him.
I was starting to think… that maybe all of this was a mistake…
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday, 4th week of May
Two days of the midterm exams were over. Tomorrow morning would be the last day.
Yesterday, I went to Kuroiwa-san's apartment along with Runa for the first time. As part of the condition Shizuna-san made, I tagged along. And finally, I was able to witness how they studied.
And it was… different…
Kuroiwa-san had mentioned his methods before, but being able to see it happen in person was a bit baffling. I was doing my own studying alone in the dining area, but I couldn’t help but look at what he was doing. From where I sat, it looked like he was just torturing Runa. I closed my eyes and held my breath for as long as I could. Repeating after she got it wrong, repeating if she struggled, repeating even after she got it right. In the end, I wasn’t able to hold it in anymore, and I started scolding Kuroiwa-san about his weird methods.
That was a mistake…
I spent thirty minutes trying to correct Kuroiwa-san, telling him his methods were wrong, and that there should be a better way of teaching Runa. I told him that he was making it unnecessarily more difficult. I told him that he should think about Runa more.
But he only stared at me… And when I saw his eyes, I realized the reason why he was against me coming… maybe I was just annoying and a bother after all…
How could I ever think of ruining something that had been already built? Like, what right did I have to teach someone else the right way when I tried to do the right way and yet it failed?
But I couldn’t help it… I knew the reason why… I just never intended to say what it was…
“Let’s take a break,” Kuroiwa-san said from the living room. His flat voice suddenly brought me back to the present. I was at the dining area like last time.
I checked my phone for the time. It was already 5:14 p.m.
We arrived at Kuroiwa-san's apartment around 1 p.m. after Runa and I had lunch with Hina and Yui. And as soon as we arrived, Runa and Kuroiwa-san immediately started, just like yesterday. And just like yesterday, four hours later, he finally announced they were taking a break.
Brutal.
But, I already vowed to myself that I won’t intervene.
I glanced at the living room. I saw Kuroiwa-san tidying up the notebooks and textbooks on their study table in front of him before he stood up and sat down on the sofa. When I turned my gaze toward Runa, she was leaning back, tilting her head up to look at me. When she noticed me looking at her, she straightened up, turned around and showed me a victory sign. She looked a little tired yet thoroughly satisfied.
“Are you done too?” Runa asked, speaking a little louder so I could hear her.
“Not yet,” I answered.
“How are you doing?” She tilted her head.
“Fine…” I said.
But I wasn’t. I had been stuck on this one particular part of English since last week. I tried asking Hina about it, but even she was having a hard time with it. I subtly glanced out of the corner of my eye to see Kuroiwa-san reading a book.
Maybe he can…
A phone suddenly buzzed. I checked mine, but it wasn’t the one ringing.
“Ah! Sorry, Mom is calling.” Runa stood up, then walked toward the living room door. She went to the main hall to answer her phone.
Suddenly, I was left alone with Kuroiwa-san…
I inhaled, then exhaled.
This… This could be a chance…
I stood up and walked toward the living room. I paused for a second, but I kept moving. It was not like I was nervous to approach Kuroiwa-san. I just didn’t know why I was hesitating. But even if he and Runa were taking a break, I felt like I was still intruding by going over to ask him. But I needed to…
When I stepped in front of Kuroiwa-san, I leaned my upper body to the left, tilting my head so I could peek at what he was doing.
“Hey…” I called out to him, carefully. I waited for a few seconds, but he was not responding. His eyes were very focused on what he was reading.
I pulled my lips to the side. But I wasn’t annoyed. I was trying to be patient.
Unlike with Runa, Kuroiwa-san and I didn’t have any agreement about him teaching me. But I figured, it didn’t hurt to ask, at least. I stared at him for a few more seconds before I decided to sit beside him on the sofa. I opened the textbook and my notebook that I had taken with me to the living room. I placed them both on my lap and started reading. I kept sighing, hoping that maybe Kuroiwa-san would ask me why I was sighing. I looked at him again… and again, he was unresponsive.
I let out one final sigh. Even with Kuroiwa-san sitting down, the significant difference in our heights meant I still had to look up slightly to meet his eyes. I wondered if I was bothering him. But before I gave up entirely, I needed to try one more time.
“Hey…” I said, louder this time.
Kuroiwa-san moved his eyes.
I caught myself just looking at them for half a second. I closed my mouth before I continued.
“Can I…” I hesitated for a moment. “Can I ask you a question?” I asked.
“What is it?” Kuroiwa-san replied.
I turned my eyes to my hands, closed my eyes, and then took a deep breath. I took my notebook from my lap, opened it, and flipped the pages until I got to where I wanted to ask him about.
“This part,” I said, pointing at a sentence using my index finger. “I have a hard time understanding this sentence from the rest. It’s a question that starts with ‘Would you’ but the answer is no if you agree and yes if you don’t, while the others’ answers were the opposite.”
Kuroiwa-san leaned forward to look where I was pointing. I was a little surprised because he was too close. Too close that it was making me feel a little uncomfortable.
“That one,” Kuroiwa-san said as he leaned back to how he was before. “If you look closely, one word made a difference compared to the others.”
I inspected the sentence…
“Is it because of ‘mind’?” I asked.
“Yes,” Kuroiwa-san answered. He turned toward me and now his eyes were staring at mine. I held a breath for a second. “Usually, a ‘would you’ question is a polite way of asking someone to do something.” He moved his eyes up to think and then went back to mine. “Like, if you ask ‘Would you open this door?’ Then the answer will be yes if you agree.”
“Mhm,” I said. I was getting a little self-conscious from his stare, so I reflexively glanced toward my notebook instead.
“But if you add the word ‘mind’ like, ‘Would you mind opening this door?’ the question turns from politely asking someone to do something to asking if someone would hate or dislike doing something. So then, the answer becomes ‘No’ if you agree and ‘Yes’ if you don’t.” Kuroiwa-san continued.
“How?”
“Because in this context, mind is a verb that means to object or be bothered by something. So if you add it with a ‘Would you’ question, the question transforms into a conditional one instead.”
“I see,” I replied. So that’s how it is. In just a few easy explanations, I understood completely. I never even thought the nuance was due to the verb that was used. I was looking instead at the sentence as a whole rather than checking for context. Of all the subjects we had, English was the one I wasn’t very good at. “Thank you,” I said.
Kuroiwa-san didn’t respond so I looked up at him. He started reading his book again. His face was always calm and I was staring at it. Then somehow, I had become aware of how close I was sitting beside him. There was a gap of a few inches between us, a typical distance between two people sitting on the same sofa who are not intimate.
I shifted myself to the right to get closer to him…
That didn’t feel right.
I shifted myself to the left to get farther from him…
I sighed.
I needed to ask him again about another sentence and grammar structure that I could not follow. But then the living room door opened.
“Sorry, Mom’s call took a little longer,” Runa said as she was entering. “Mom was asking a lot of questions and… Oh! Wait, Mika, stay like that…” she said.
“What?” I replied, but before I knew what was happening, Runa had already pointed her phone’s camera at me and took a picture.
“Picture, get!” Runa called out. “Ok, next is to send it to Mom… And sent…”
“What was that for?” I asked Runa.
“Proof,” Runa answered. “Mom wanted to know if I’m with you.”
“You could’ve warned me first,” I said.
“Sorry,” Runa apologized to me, smiling awkwardly. But then she turned toward Kuroiwa-san. “Anyways, Rei-kun-”
I frowned. I didn’t know why so I tried to untangle the frown.
“Let’s start studying again,” Runa continued. “Mom said that we need to get home in an hour so…”
“Are you sure, Miyase-san?” Kuroiwa-san replied.
Runa pouted and went silent, staring at Kuroiwa-san intently.
Kuroiwa-san stood up beside me and I did the same. I wanted to ask more questions but I didn’t want to be a nuisance, so I just had to go back to the dining area.
“Then open your notes to page 15,” Kuroiwa-san said as he sat down in front of their study desk.
“...No,” Runa said.
I stopped walking and wondered what Runa was thinking so I turned around to look at her. She turned her head toward the right. She was facing the side, her eyes were closed, and was still pouting. Even behind her, I could see her arms crossed on her chest.
“Why?” Kuroiwa-san asked.
“Rei-kun… Why are you calling me with my last name again?” Runa replied as she turned her head back to him.
Kuroiwa-san moved his eyes to each side then up.
“My Mom’s last name is also Miyase. If you keep calling me the same as her, I wouldn’t know if you are talking to me,” Runa continued.
I lifted an eyebrow. I knew immediately what Runa was implying but the circumstances of that time on Tuesday forced Kuroiwa-san to call her by her name. To me, it seemed unfair to just ask him to change the way he addressed her just because of that one time. I was so sure Kuroiwa-san wouldn’t agree with it as—
“Alright,” Kuroiwa-san answered.
I opened my mouth.
“Okay, good,” Runa replied, smiling. She paused for a second. “C-can you try saying it then?” she asked, sounding a little shy.
I bit my lips.
“Now?” Kuroiwa-san said.
“Yes,” Runa nodded.
“R—” Kuroiwa-san hesitated for a bit. I was watching him very intently. “Runa-san,” he finally said.
Runa kneeled then leaned forward toward Kuroiwa-san slowly. She reached her left hand to him and poked his nose with her index finger.
“Just… Runa…” she said.
Kuroiwa-san crawled backward so fast and so far that he almost hit the TV behind him, almost jumping. “W-w-w-what are you doing?” he said.
Runa just giggled then proceeded to sit properly in front of the table. “Alright, then let’s start,” she casually replied. Even without looking at her face, I knew she would be smiling.
I looked at Kuroiwa-san… He was blushing…
I closed my eyes. I suddenly felt uneasy. I immediately turned to the dining area. I took all my belongings and put them inside my bag.
“I’m going home!” I declared.
I walked toward the living room door and opened it. My feet were stomping, and before I closed the door, I heard Runa surprised behind me.
“Huh? Mika!? Why!?”
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What was all that? How was Runa able to just touch him casually like that? It was just a poke in the nose but…
I shook my head…
Was that how they usually acted when they were alone? Was that the reason Kuroiwa-san didn’t want me to be there? Were they really just studying?
While I was always alone in the dining area, being careful to not disturb them, as soon as they forgot about me, they would start flirting. They didn’t even think that I was there, like my existence didn’t matter. They never even thought I would feel uncomfortable looking at them that way.
…How could he be blushing?
…And how could I even feel uncomfortable?
I stopped walking and I ended up standing in the middle of the street. I was on the way to the train station. I just wanted to go home at this point. I wasn’t needed there. I was just a bother.
I clenched my hands tightly and felt my nails digging into my palms. I choked as I felt my heart starting to squeeze in my chest.
I didn’t know how to answer the questions I asked myself. All I knew was that I never wanted this. That I did not intend to feel like this. All I wanted was for his help. That was the whole reason I volunteered to accompany them in the first place. But I never even got the chance to get close to Kuroiwa-san. They just spent hours facing each other, talking to each other, and…
Looking at each other…
What the heck! What the heck! What the heck!
I let my chest soak up the pain that I didn’t fully understand. I just wanted to ask one more question. Just one more. But Runa…
I tried to inspect myself. I still couldn’t figure out what it was.
…
Maybe… coming here was a mistake after all…
“Wait! Mika!”
I heard Runa’s voice behind me. I turned to see her running toward me. But I turned back quickly and resumed walking.
“I said wait!” Runa caught up to me and grabbed my wrist. It forced me to feel unbalanced for a second but thankfully I did not fall down. I turned my head toward Runa and she was bending down a bit with her right hand holding her knee, looking down while catching her breath.
“Why are you here?” I asked.
“Why?” Runa took one deep breath, let it out, then stood up properly to face me. “You know why. If you’re not there and Mom finds out, I’ll get in trouble again!”
I frowned.
“Yeah, that’s right. I was just there to be your proof afterall.” I replied with a sharp voice that I did not expect to come out.
“No! Mika, what are you talking about?”
“Go back, even if I wasn’t there, you’ll be fine. Besides, you have already sent your proof to your mother. My usefulness has already ended right there.” I pulled my arms from Runa’s grip and continued walking.
“Mika,” Runa said as she walked beside me. “You know that’s not how it is.”
I didn’t answer. I just kept looking forward. I didn’t want to look at her.
“I’m sorry,” Runa continued. “But that was not my intention. I want you to be there. Really.”
I didn’t budge.
“Mika, please…”
My eyes forward.
“Stop ignoring me please? I’m sorry…”
Runa’s voice started to sound more earnest and softer every time. But I wasn’t paying attention. I was just looking ahead. Then I felt her stop walking beside me, and then suddenly I was walking alone in front.
“You’re so stubborn!” Runa yelled. “If you have a problem with me, then just tell me. You're being unreasonable right now!”
I did not intend to stop as well, but my feet refused to take another step and just ignored what Runa said. Instead I turned around.
“Look who’s talking!” I yelled back at Runa. “If you’re the one who has something in mind, and whenever I asked, you’re not even telling me what it was, then why should I? I was always worried about you, and you just kept on dancing around what really was on your mind!”
“That’s different. I never made you feel like you did something wrong like what you’re doing to me now!”
“Then how about you think about it!?”
“Well, that’s just unfair!”
“Same goes for you!”
“Alright, then I’ll think about it!” Runa yelled and took a moment to actually think. “Was it because you felt lonely alone in the dining area?” she asked.
I didn’t answer.
She frowned while staring at me. And again she took a moment to think. “Was it because I took a picture of you without permission?”
“No!” I answered.
“Was it because I was teasing Rei-kun?” Runa continued.
I turned my head to the right to avoid her gaze.
“Was it?” Runa asked to confirm.
“No!!” I replied.
“Mika, I was just teasing him.”
“You were forcing him to call you by your first name.”
“That was not—I was not forcing him. It’s just awkward, you know, if he kept calling me by my family name because he already met Mom.”
I looked at her suspiciously. “Liar,” I said.
“I was not lying.”
“Then explain to me why you would tease him?”
Runa opened her mouth, but she never said anything. She lowered her head, looked at me, looked at the sky, then to me. She closed her eyes tight, and when she finally opened, she turned her gaze away from me.
“I—” Runa hesitated. “I don’t know.”
“See, proves my point earlier. You have something in your mind and you’re not telling me,” I said.
“Wha— I honestly don’t know!” Runa yelled. Then her eyes turned toward the ground again and she started talking a little quieter. “It was just… fun…”
I frowned.
Fun? You tease someone because you think it was fun? Wasn’t that just bullying? I never pictured Runa to be a bully. But if she didn’t want to tell me why, then I would not be interested to continue asking.
I turned around and walked.
“Mika,” Runa called me. “I’m sorry,” she said. Her voice softened as she told me her third apology. “If those weren’t the reasons, can you please tell me?”
My steps slowed but I kept going. But I wasn’t looking ahead this time. I was just looking to where I placed my steps. What was I even telling her? ‘Think about it then?’ I didn’t even know what she did wrong. I—
“Fine!” Runa shouted behind me. “If you’re not going to talk with me, then I will not talk with you!”
I held a breath and closed my eyes.
And for the rest of the way, we stopped talking.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday Night. Last day of May.
Everything that happened afterwards was quiet.
There were no text messages, no phone calls, not even a press from each other’s doorbell. There was no attempt at any communication.
Three days of nothing between me and Runa.
I felt horrible. Yet I felt justified.
And I felt both for one reason: I didn’t know why.
Runa was right, I was being stubborn. She apologized, and I just couldn’t accept it and move on. Because when I tried to think about it, it didn’t feel right. I felt uneasy. And so I decided not to tell her anything. I decided it was easier that way.
Unlike her, I wasn’t ready to be honest with myself.
It was just… fun…
I recalled how she said it. Fun? What was so fun about teasing someone? If it was me…
My phone suddenly rang at the corner of my table. I was in the middle of tidying up my study materials when it happened. I peeked at who was calling.
It was Yui.
I ignored it.
A few minutes later, the ringing stopped.
I stood up after I was done tidying. Before I could even take one step toward my bed, my phone rang again.
I grabbed my phone to see.
It was still Yui.
This time I dropped it.
But not even a second later, Yui called again.
I sighed.
“Hello?” I said as I surrendered to Yui’s persistence.
“Why didn’t you answer sooner!?” Yui replied.
“It’s late, I was about to go to sleep.”
“Really? You can go to sleep like that?”
“Like what?”
“While… you know… between you and Runa.” Yui whispered.
I didn’t say anything for a moment. Of course, I couldn’t sleep easily after what happened. I just tried to close my eyes every time. And I would just wait. Wait for minutes, wait for hours, until sleep pulled me in.
“It’s none of your business,” I finally answered.
“But it is!” Yui replied, almost yelling. “You promised you won’t fight anymore!”
“I didn’t promise that.”
“Then you’re a liar.”
“Fine, I’m a liar then!” I said. Then I ended the call.
What am I—
My phone vibrated in my hand and by reflex I answered it.
“Don’t drop the call!” Yui shouted. I pulled my ear away from the phone as her shout pierced through.
“Okay, okay. I won’t. I’m sorry,” I replied.
“Good then,” Yui said cheerfully. “Anyways, tomorrow, let’s fix both of you.”
“What? You don’t need to—”
“I need to!” Yui replied, sounding very firm. “We’re not going to just let this keep on, you know. It’s not healthy.”
I kept my silence.
“Listen, Mika…” Yui continued. “I really don’t like this. If you both stop talking to each other, then you’ll both drift apart.”
“...I know.”
“I don’t want that to happen. I want all of us to stay as friends. You know, me, you, Hina and Runa. All of us, until we become old ladies.”
“...I guess… me too…”
“So… let’s talk about it tomorrow, okay?” Yui said. Her voice sounded gentle. “If you’re not ready to talk with us during the morning, we’ll wait for you at the rooftop at lunch.”
“...Okay,” I answered.
“Be sure to be there!”
“...I will.”
“Promise?”
“Promise…”
“Alright then, I’ll let you go to sleep now! Good night Mika! Love you!!”
“Good night…”
The phone call ended.
I sat on my bed for a few seconds. And when I finally decided to lie down, I immediately closed my eyes. I placed a hand over my chest, feeling what my heartbeat was trying to tell me. Then I knew I wasn't looking forward to tomorrow.
I didn’t want to. But I knew that would be another mistake.
So while I was closing my eyes, I waited.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lunch, Monday. The beginning of June.
I shouldn’t have stood here. I shouldn’t have looked at them yet.
I should have gone straight to the rooftop after the bell rang. I should have just listened to Yui. But, I saw a teacher post the rankings of each student for our grade on the board just beside the staircase. So I went to see. Based on the test papers from the midterm exams that I had retrieved during homeroom, I knew I didn’t do well. But reality had not settled at that point—because reality was right before my eyes now.
Tojo Mika… Rank 36…
I never went to the rooftop afterwards…