Chapter 20: Fault

They arrived back at the palace in a blur. Heavy silence filled the carriage. When it finally stopped, Shani stepped down in a daze. Her eyes still burned, but the sadness felt strangely distant. Her gaze drifted across the courtyard, exhaustion beginning to weigh heavily on her. She wanted to go to her room, not theirs… hers. Then a familiar flash of dark purple caught her eye. She looked around to see the ribbons.

They were everywhere.

Something inside her snapped. Her chest tightened and without hesitation… She ran. Her veil slipped from her head, falling unnoticed behind her. She rushed the nearest servant, a footman, and clung to his tunic with all her might.

“Take it off…” She whispered to a man who seemed very uncomfortable. He squinted in confusion.

“I’m sorry miss?”

“Take it off!” Shani demanded. Her voice cracked as she reached for the dark purple ribbon around the very startled man's neck. It needed to disappear. She was inches away from ripping off the cursed thing when a strong hand grabbed her wrist and pulled her away with more force than he meant to.

“What are—” Jaziel began. His lavender eyes wide with confusion.

“They didn’t help!” Shani yelled. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she scratched against his grip. She tried to pull herself away, but Jaziel would not budge.

"What do you mean?"

“Mama died because no one helped us!” Shani screamed as she yanked and pulled from the man.

“Shani…” Jaziel grabbed her other wrist, trying to halt her from the constant assault.

“They don’t deserve to mourn!”

“Shan-”

“They let mama die!” She began kicking at Jaziel next. The courtyard had gone quiet, even Jaziel stared at the young girl unable to figure out the best remedy for her outburst. His jaw twitched as another kick landed against his shin.

“No one here is to blame for Jamila’s death,” Jaziel said, his voice calm, controlled.

“That’s not true! They should have helped!” Shani wailed. “No one helped so they are guilty!”

Something inside Jaziel tightened. “The only people to blame were those in that study!” He snapped. Shani froze, her eyes wide as she looked at the man kneeling before her.

“Jamila could have handled it if she-” Jaziel froze mid-sentence. His eyes widened as he realized what he was about to say. He looked Shani in the eyes and the girl's eyes dulled.

“If she was alone?” Shani asked. Jaziel's small flinch gave away more than he intended. More tears cascaded down her flushed cheeks. The strength left her all at once. She dropped to her knees like a puppet with its strings cut.

“Does that mean…” Her voice was small, fragile. She looked up at him. “Is it my fault?”

Jaziel's grip loosened as he released Shani’s wrist. He took a deep breath in.

“I never said that princess…” He said, returning to his gentle demeanor. But when Shani looked into his eyes, then at the silent faces surrounding her, it felt as though every one of them was pointing at her.

Your fault.

Murderer.

Prick-ears.

“Did…” She stalled as the words caught in her throat. She turned her attention away from the servants and back towards her uncle. “Did I kill mama?” She searched his face hopefully. Her uncle couldn't lie... after all.

Jaziel stilled. His eyes widened as the words settled over him. He couldn't answer. Instead, he pulled the young child into a hug.

“It’s okay…” he murmured. Shani fought against his embrace for a moment.

“Everything will be okay.” Jaziel stroked the back of her head gently. A raw, shattered sound tore from her as she buried her face into his shoulder. Then, suddenly, she was simply too tired to fight anymore.

“Uncle will take care of everything…” He cooed gently as he held her. His embrace was warm… but he felt impossibly far away. She couldn't help wondering what her mother would have said in his place.

Caelis cracked open the door to Shani's room, peering inside. The room was dark and cold. No fire burned in the hearth, and the only light came from the large oval window where Shani sat upon the ledge. A blanket wrapped around her as she took in the falling snow outside.

“Shani…” He mumbled, but she did not turn to look at him. He slipped into the room but did not walk closer. The girl before him looked like Shani... but she didn't feel like Shani anymore.

“Shani… did you want to go to the library with me?” He asked cautiously. Shani didn’t look at him and simply shook her head. His lips formed a thin line as he tried to think of something else.

“How about we play hide and seek? You love that game!” He said, his voice perking up hopefully. She looked at him at last. The emptiness in her eyes frightened him.

“No. I want to be alone.” Being alone was cold but at least no one would get hurt. She turned her attention back out the window. Caelis rubbed his arms. Her room was freezing.

“Did you want me to get someone to light the fire at least?” He asked. His eyes pleaded but she simply shook her head. A sigh escaped him.

“How long do you have to stay in your room this time?” He asked as he sat down on the cold floor.

“Two days…” Shani mumbled. “But it’s my fault…”

“Two days for trying to remove a ribbon?” Caelis asked as he pushed his glasses up on his nose. He studied her quietly. She looked back at him.

"No one's allowed in here except Uncle..." She said as she studied him. Concern flickered across her face, if only for a moment. Caelis shrugged.

“It’s okay… I won’t stay long.” He said. Relief softened her expression. For some reason, seeing it hurt more than he expected.

“Do you… hate me?” Caelis asked quietly. Shani looked at him. Exhaustion filled her eyes, along with something he couldn't quite name. It made his chest ache.

“Do you hate me?” She asked. Caelis shot to his feet.

“No way!” He exclaimed while trying to remain quiet. She pulled her knees closer to her chest and returned her gaze to the window.

“Then… I don’t hate you either.” It was quiet, but her tone softened as she said it. A smile spread across Caelis’s face. He opened his mouth to say something when he noticed the tips of Shani’s ear twitch. He closed his eyes and listened closely, then he heard it.

“Caelis…” A voice called from down the hall. He opened his eyes wide with recognition.

“I… I got to go… I will visit you again Shani!” He said before ducking out of her room. Shani couldn’t help but wonder why he bothered to come in the first place. If he was bored, he should make some new friends instead. She was sure they'd be better than her.

Caelis ran down the hall from Shani’s room, panting heavily with each step. Then he noticed a familiar woman with straight strawberry blonde hair. He stopped in front of her, his heart beating in his ears.

“You called mom?” He asked as he tried to catch his breath. A concerned smile formed on Iselle's lips. She pulled out a handkerchief and knelt in front of her son.

“Yes, but you didn’t need to run away… I knew where you were.” She said softly as she wiped his sweat. Once again, his mother seemed to always know everything. He shuffled anxiously as she finished up. His lavender eyes glanced back towards Shani’s room. Knights once again stood guard outside Shani's door.

He looked down at his feet and sighed. Iselle froze, and gently placed a cool hand on the top of his head.

“Shani will be okay… It will just take time.” She told the boy, gently stroking his short strawberry blonde hair.

“How much time… She…” He couldn't finish. The woman's droopy eyes softened as she bent down to whisper in his ear.

“When the knight becomes a beast, the princess shall find her way to refuge.”

She pulled away and Caelis’s face was full of confusion, but he knew one day his mothers ramblings would make sense. Maybe not today, but eventually they always made sense.

“Isn’t there anything we can do?” He asked in earnest. A proud smile crossed her face. She stood and offered the boy her hand. Caelis took it without a moment's hesitation.

“Just keep trying to be her friend.”