Death is a brutal truth, hard to accept but harder to deny. They say, “There’s peace in death”, but they don’t show the amount of time and reason it requires for a person’s loved ones to be comfortable with that peace. “She’s in a safe place; she’s in peace”, that’s what I heard in her funeral.
How selfish of her to choose this peace over me! I thought we were each other’s safe place until this…What do I do to reach that safe place? If that place is really safe, then why don’t we all go there at once?
I remember being dragged home by my parents after her funeral because I refused to return. Returning to same home where I was desperately waiting for her to come- but instead, the news of her death arrived. My phone still lay upside down on the floor, the cake was still on the table- fresh and untouched, the decorations- still undamaged and bright as ever and of course, the CD of our favourite band for which we had stood in line for seven hours- lay on the table.
It was our little ritual to bring the entire house down in the middle of the night with the songs of our favourite band, especially on our birthdays.
Everything was the way I had left it hours ago except for myself. I was no longer myself. A part of me died with her and went to the same ‘peaceful abode’ where she went. My parents tried everything they could to make me same as before but only to end up feeling more remorseful than before. I had fights with them about this but my words fell on deaf ears.
(PRESENT)-
People have stopped wishing me now because ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ is no longer followed by “OH MY GOD! You remembered! Thank you so much!”; Instead, it’s sometimes followed by a good earful or ignorance or maybe a simple, rude and powerful, “GET LOST!”, depending on my mood.
Mom calls me on my every birthday- not to wish me, of course, but just to make sure that I don’t end up taking any step and reach the same ‘peaceful abode’ as Sophie. HUH! As if I would send a public notice announcing that:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, after trying to just survive for years, I’ve decided to take some steps rather than just sitting and hearing advice on how to move on. This is to announce that on the night of 12 October, I’m going to take this big step (you’re smart enough to know what step!). Be ready with your heartfelt speeches trying to justify my death. Your presence at my funeral would be highly appreciated.
With love,
ELARA.”
Anyway, I bought Sophie’s favourite flowers, Moonflowers, which she liked only because they had the same meaning as my name. She used to say that, “These flowers always remind me of you. You are the moon of my life, while these flowers are the moon of the garden.”
I wanted her to remember me wherever she is and go crazy thinking about me just as I do whenever I think about her. I laid the flowers on the cold stone of her grave, wiping away the dust and dried leaves. I played some songs by our favourite band, because we promised to fulfil this ritual till the day we both die and then, laid beside her grave.
She used to say, “I hope we die soon and become angels. That way, we won’t have to stand in line for seven or eight hours; we can just fly directly to the concerts and watch live performances without having to pay for tickets.” I wonder whether she hears the songs from the CDs that I bring here before my every birthday, despite being all sweaty and smelly from standing in line for hours- or does she just watch live concerts herself?
Honestly, I could spend my entire life here, lying beside her grave.
Initially, I used to do that but my parents got so worried that they started threatening me; they said if I kept doing it, they’d have their own graves built beside her, too. So slowly, I gave up on that.
Forcing myself to get up and after whispering, “I HATE YOU!” to her grave, I returned home. Ever since the day Sophie left me, I had to perform one more ritual: the ritual of reading an anonymous letters I get on my birthdays. Birthday letters are special according to the sender and it’s the only birthday wish I receive now.
As for what these letters have in store, it’s better if I just read them out rather than narrating their contents.