Nik’s eyes glazed over as he moved closer to Sama. She stared back at him, her feet planted on the ground.
‘Such dead eyes you have, Sama. Let me light them up for you.’ He was only a few steps away, the curl of his lips turned nastier.
One movement was all it would take.
She could see the silver gleam of the butter knife inside her lunchbox, open on the stump. How much would a man suffer if a butter knife went through his throat? Her hands twitched and tingled. A sudden flicker in her eyes made Nik freeze. Did he imagine it or was there a mean glint in Sama’s eyes? Whatever it was made him stop in fear.
‘Nik!’ A loud, angry roar echoed through the woods. Nik and his gang looked around in shock and confusion to see Kunal, striding up the hill, fuming in rage.
‘Go back to your girlfriend. It’s none of your business—’ Before Nik could even complete his sentence, everything went black. He hit the ground within seconds, unable to breathe through all the blood spurting out of his nose. His sidekicks leapt forward and held Kunal back from throwing another knock-out punch, this time at the side of his head. Sama had never seen him so livid. It took all three of Nik’s cronies to stop him.
‘Kunal, relax! He wasn’t going to hurt her. It was just scare tactics. Let it go, man!’ Kunal uncurled his fists and freed himself, breathing hard, and staring them down. They stepped back.
‘Take this piece of shit away. Never come near her again. I’m warning you.’ Kunal’s voice dropped menacingly low. They picked up a half-conscious Nik and hauled him away as fast as possible. Kunal grabbed Sama’s hand and dragged her away, still fuming.
‘You are not wandering off alone from now on. Is that understood?’ Kunal said without looking at her.
‘I won’t.’ She felt the heat emanate from his palm. His grip was strong. Her gaze was fixed on his face, as he pulled her across the campus ground, back to the college building. His ear was visibly red.
She let him drag her all the way till they were inside the classroom. The other students stared as Kunal marched in with Sama and took his seat. The grave expression on his face kept everyone from even asking what had happened. Sama sat down and looked at Kunal from her corner. Something other than acid was pumping though her veins, something uncontrollable. She could feel the veins pulsate in her left hand, which had been grasped by Kunal just moments ago.
•••
Sevita felt a jolt when she saw Kunal and her sister, but she realised something serious would have happened; Kunal rarely behaved like that. She knew he wouldn’t speak about it while others were around. It was late at night when Sevita finally asked him about it. They were sitting together on the couch in her room. He told her everything, still appalled by what had happened.
‘I don’t know what would’ve happened if I had not reached the spot … if you hadn’t asked me to find her—’ He turned and looked at her seriously.
‘Kunal …’ She took his right hand and caressed it. The skin over his knuckles was raw from the impact of the punch. ‘Thank you so much for taking care of her.’ She kissed the reddish patch and cupped his hand in hers. Kunal let out a deep sigh and hugged her.
The tab slipped from Sama’s hands. The tactile memory of Kunal dragging her down the hill was burnt into her wrist. She could still feel his heat. Breathless, she stood up in a daze. There were voices in her head, whispering and hissing, as she stood in front of the full-sized mirror.
Why not me?
It was all she could ask the reflection in the mirror. The reflection, a distorted image of her own, looked back at her quietly.
•••
The weekend came early to Lavasa as heavy rains rode across the hills on storming winds. Every door in the city was closed on Friday morning.
‘Sorry, my darling girl.’ Mr Vyas hugged Sama and picked up a heavy raincoat. ‘We will go out to the woods once the weather is bearable again. I have to be at the dam for some days. The repairs are not complete and in this rain the situation is vulnerable.’ He went to work, leaving Sama alone in the living room.
Sevita was sitting gloomily in her room, watching the rain that had made it impossible for Kunal to drive over from the other side of the town. Their mother was engrossed in her fruit art, clueless that Sama, wearing her raincoat and rubber boots, was about to set out in the rain. Sama went into the woods nearby, clutching her new insect net. Mr Vyas, true to his word, had got her some fancy equipment for her ‘hobby’. Kunal was not coming anyway, so there was nothing for her to do in her room.
It was raining hard and her boots were sinking ankle-deep in the mud. The further she walked into the woods, the murkier it got. There was an abandoned house in the distance, that she often visited. Moths hid in its dark, humid corners. They were an easy catch. Today, however, it seemed someone had already occupied the place.
Hearing voices, Sama stopped not far from the house and stepped behind a tree. She moved closer, noiselessly, till she was within hearing range. To her surprise, it was Astha, sitting with a guy Sama had never seen before. He was tall and lanky, and had curly hair that covered his forehead. He looked old enough to be a senior year college student. His arms were wrapped around Astha’s small body. The only way she could have sneaked out of her house that day, Sama deduced, was by lying that she was going to college.
‘I’m scared for us, Andrew, really scared. My family would not agree to us being together. Plus if they come to know about this …’ Astha sighed.
‘Hey, don’t you trust me? I am doing all of this for us. There’s good money in it. Plus, I will get placed latest by next year and then I can talk to your family.’ He spoke in a husky voice, sniffing and rubbing his nose. Astha looked at his gaunt face. He hadn’t been into these substances when she had fallen in love with him.
‘You should have never gotten into this,’ she said. Her voice was quivering in agony and anger. ‘This is not something you can just get out of … ’
‘Astha, hey, come here.’ He pulled her close. ‘I promise I will stop. I will stop the business too. Just give me till this December.’
‘No, no that’s too long.’ Astha sat up again and shook her head.
‘Okay, okay. I will stop now, promise. It’s just that I need more money for us.’ He tucked her hair behind her ear, stroking her face.
‘There are proper ways to do that, Andrew. Once you are placed, the money will come. Then it won’t be so tough to persuade them. Promise me you won’t continue this.’ She pleaded with him, holding his long hands that were more bones than flesh.
‘I promise. Anything for you.’ He kissed her.
Sama crouched behind a shrub and watched. Even for her, it was a shock that Astha was seeing a guy. She belonged to a very powerful and conservative family. How did they ever meet?
That scum hid her dirt so well that’s applaudable, she thought and grimaced.
‘Andrew, I just want us to be together, always.’
Sama saw their hands intertwine as they kissed. She turned away, flashes of that afternoon with Kunal causing her head to hurt. Had it lasted for hours or just minutes? She did not know. The rain was getting heavier, growing into a thunderstorm. It was only when she saw Andrew leading Astha out of the cottage, under the cover of his raincoat, that she came back to her senses. Once they had left, she quietly emerged from her hiding place and walked away.
•••
Back in her room, Sama stood in front of her mirror. Water dripped from her clothes and hair. She was trembling with cold, but that did not stop the hissing voices inside her head or the acid burning her ribcage from within. It was suffocating. There were no moths left in her jars.
‘Oh no, why did you come today?’ A familiar voice sounded from the tab which lay on the floor. She knelt beside it, watching Sevita as she frantically dried Kunal with a towel. He was dripping wet.
‘Because I’m not in town this weekend. If I hadn’t come, I wouldn’t get to see you till Monday.’
‘Kunal, this is dangerous! Did you see the trees that have fallen in the storm? The rain is just too heavy to drive in. What if something happened to you? What if there was a landslide and you got stuck? What if someone came from the wrong side and—’
‘Hush,’ Kunal said, as he placed a finger on her lips. ‘I’m here and I’m fine. I can’t leave without seeing you. Don’t worry about me so much.’ He leaned close to kiss her.
‘I can’t not worry about you,’ Sevita said before putting her arms around him and closing her eyes. She wanted to savour every sensation that came from being close to him.
Sama pushed the tab away. A wildfire spread inside her body. Her head hurt. The hissing voices came back, making no sense at all. Her breathing became erratic.
Cursed … you are cursed … you are not enough … never be happy… lifeless … just a copy …
‘Stop! Stop!’ She clutched at her hair.
It was torture. The splitting pain in her head made it worse. Nothing made sense anymore. Sama slapped her hands over her ears, pressing them hard against the sides of her head, and curled up on the floor in a corner of her room. For the next two days, she wouldn’t go out to eat or drink, and she wouldn’t open the door of her room. The mirror in her room stood like a haunted object. Her room was dark, as dark as her heart. Sama stayed in the corner with her hands over her ears, but the voices would not stop. Her mother did not dare to check on her. She simply stayed away. Sevita tried to talk to her sister, but that was the last thing Sama wanted—to look at the face that was just like hers, but with life. It was only at night when everyone was asleep that Sama would come out. There would always be some dinner kept aside for her every night but that only made Sama angrier. She threw away the food and ate anything else that she could find.
The voices were getting louder by the hour. They seemed to follow her everywhere. Sometimes they seemed to be coming from the walls of the house, so clear and real did they sound.
Sama sat for hours on the couch at night with her arms wrapped around her knees, watching the wallclock tick and the moonlight shift the shadows of the drawing room. The rains never stopped. The voices didn’t either. Even the roaring thunder couldn’t muffle them. Now they were taking shape on the walls of the house. Wherever she looked, she saw swirling shadows and distorted faces. She saw eyes and mouths appear on the walls.
At dawn on Monday, the rain stopped. The clouds were still heavy but white. There was mist over the river which was splashing against its banks. Sama hadn’t slept the night before. She quietly went to her room early in the morning and dressed for college. Before locking her room, she looked around at it. The heavy curtains were drawn. No clothes lay outside and no pictures hung on the wall. Her laptop was placed neatly on her study table. There was nothing that hinted at the mess in her mind.
The most beautiful thing in there was her mirror. The full-length, oak-framed mirror stood against a wall, its clear surface gleaming. Her reflection looked back with an empty expression. At a quarter to seven, she was sitting on the couch in the living room where she had spent the previous two nights, when Sevita came out of her room. She was wearing a white top, denim shorts and sneakers.
‘Sama …,’ She stopped when she saw her sister in the drawing room. Apprehension was writ large on her face, she wanted to ask her sister what was wrong but didn’t know how she would react. Why couldn’t she ever figure out Sama’s thoughts?
‘Good morning,’ Sama said.
Sevita bit her lip and looked out of the window, feeling her heart twist. Sama got up to leave. The college bus was going to arrive any moment now.
‘Wait, Sama,’ Sevita said. ‘Let’s go together today, please? I want to talk to you. Sister to sister.’
Sama watched the expressions on Sevita’s face. How easily her brows came together in worry, how softly her eyes looked into her own, how her lips quivered ever so slightly as she sighed and bit her lip, how her fingers gripped a chair in nervous agitation … ‘Why?’
‘Just because.’ Sevita came closer and took Sama’s bag. Then she held her twin’s hand. Her grip was soft and gentle, warm against Sama’s cold hands. ‘See you after college, Mom! We’re leaving.’
‘Oh, you’re going together?’ Mrs Vyas asked from inside her room.
‘Yeah, bye!’ Sevita waved and walked out of the house with Sama.
They were on the road in five minutes.