[Page 70: I didn't know what hate feels like. But when I saw you then, I think I did. - M.M.]
Marta felt as if she was getting dizzy with how much she often changed: the morning felt like she could continue acting like normal, then at night, her chest would feel tight with all these confusing emotions bubbling. Outings with Antoine felt like the first time she stepped on a ship, the emotional swings leaving her tired and even more confused.
And then she saw Benedict—after days, weeks , of looking around the school and the streets and every shadow that might be him—talking with such a charming look in his face as the girl before him giggled— giggled! — she felt her shoulders stiffening as the breath in her lungs paused for a few seconds.
Then, all those pains she shed tears at night for him seemed to vanish without a trace, and she was left with only one thing: fury.
She could hear Camilla talking to her, but the words were not registering. Eyes locked on the talking pair ahead, she marched towards them with her legs feeling heavy and shaky, only stopping when their gazes fell on her.
"… Marta?"
He looked fine, Marta noticed, barely any changes from the last time she saw him a couple of months ago. This only added fuel to her anger, remembering the nights she spent crying because of these emotions she still refused to name, and making her eyes puffy by the next morning.
Maybe he really did lose interest in her.
There are many things she wanted to ask. Where were you? Are you really avoiding me? Do you not want to talk to me again?
"Um, Marta? Is something wrong? You're glaring hard at me."
All words and thoughts left her mind at his voice, and so she did the only thing she could do.
Marta then lobbed the object she was gripping in her hand to Benedict's direction as hard as she could. She barely had any strength in her arms, so she was not sure if it would even reach him.
And reach him it did. The object flew in an arc, making everyone gawk at the sudden action, right until it hit Benedict on the head and effectively toppled him from his feet. The girl he was talking to earlier gasped, but Marta didn't wait to hear what she would say and quickly ran away.
When her rational thoughts returned to her, she was already in the library, standing between the bookshelves for World Geography and History. She leaned against one of the bookshelves and sat down to hug her knees, carefully making sure not to topple the shelves. She didn't know if she could handle more humiliation right now.
"What am I doing?" she murmured before burrowing her head between her knees as much as she could. Her body felt hot from the running, but her chest felt cold as it finally dawned on her what she had caused. Why had she thought it was a good idea to throw something in his face?
"Marta? Are you in here?"
Her shoulders unconsciously stiffened at the voice, but before she could move to stand, she heard the bookshelf she was leaning against creaking as someone sat on its other side.
For a while, silence rang around them, only broken by the occasional sniffles from Marta, but she didn't dare look through the gaps between the books. Seeing the familiar back of his head could potentially drive her to more ridiculous outbursts, and she couldn't have that again.
"Are… are you calm now?"
"What do you want?" Her voice was sharper than she intended. It took Benedict a bit to reply.
"Your friend… Um, Camilla, I believe?" He paused again. "She told me that you've been looking around for me?"
Marta hugged her knees tighter, tucking her face back.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you'd be bothered by it. I thought…" Another silence, and then she heard him breathe a sigh. "I didn't know you'd notice."
"Why wouldn't I?" Her voice didn't crack, thankfully, but his answer didn't really satisfy her.
"I wasn't sure if you felt it, too. The connection." The air paused in Marta's lungs. "Every time you're near, I just have my gaze wholly moving to you. I couldn't even notice my own feet moving until I found myself in front of you." He chuckled softly. "I couldn't even think of some poetic words to describe it. All I know is that I want to stretch the time more. From that time in this library, and that windy afternoon by the park."
Marta felt hot, especially on her face. It wasn't just her; he could feel it, too. But then… "Why did you deliberately avoid me for weeks? I thought…" I thought you didn't want to see me again.
"Well, I have a valid excuse for my absence in the beginning." She heard him shuffle. "But, I would be lying if I told you that I'm not avoiding the places I believe you frequent. And places you know I frequent, in case you decide to pass."
The warmth that had filled her earlier turned cold. "So you don't really want to see me anymore?"
"No! That's not what I mean!" There were more scuffles from the other side of the shelf. "I always enjoy your presence."
"Then what is it?! Because you're not making much sense with your words contradicting your answers!" It was almost a miracle that the two of them managed to keep themselves from shouting.
"I thought I was doing the right thing! The time we spent together was short, and I thought that I was the only one who felt the connection, so I believed that it wouldn't really matter." She heard him sigh again, followed by a faint thump, which urged her to look; he had leaned his head against the shelf. "The world you lived in… it's full of dazzles and beauty and wealth I can never even dream of." The pause was much longer than the others. "I don't belong in that world. No matter what I'll do, I'll never shine enough to matter, unlike people like Antoine."
This time, it was Marta who swallowed hard. "You do, though. You shine enough for me." Warm, light, and comfortable, unlike she'd ever experienced. And she hasn't managed to turn her eyes away since. "I… want to steal more time, as well, a few more minutes to talk with you. It was always easy, with you."
She wants to talk more. Learn more about him. Learn more about the feelings this young man evokes within her, and maybe finally put a name to this warm feeling inside her heart that threatened to pull her up to the clouds while rooting her to the ground at the same time, right by his side.
"But… I'm not your future, Marta. Not for someone of your status."
"I believe I can decide my own future for myself, thank you," she couldn't help but huff. "And right now, I want to spend more time learning more about you."
This made the young man laugh. "I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing the words out of your mouth. I could never predict them."
"Then you should also try to get to know me."
"I'll be glad to." The pair fell into silence again, but it wasn't as heavy as before.
"I really am sorry. For disappearing suddenly," Benedict murmured. "There was some emergency at home. My older brother… he was in the army. The skirmishes were getting more frequent and… well, he was shot. Alive, but he was sent home to rest."
Marta gasped. "I'm sorry. I hope he recovers well." She knew the anxiety very well, having her own father and older brother in service.
"Our mother's stressed, but it's an occupational hazard we're all aware of. I needed to go back for a couple of weeks to help around the house. I didn't mean to cause any distress."
"No, I…" Her cheeks felt warm again, but this time she knew it was from embarrassment. "I'm sorry. I… overreacted. Um," she scuffed the floor with the tip of her shoe. "How's your head?"
"My head? Oh, I'm fine," she heard him chuckle warmly. "The book wasn't that heavy. It was more surprising than anything."
"I want to dig a hole and hide right now."
"Don't be. It was a beautiful arc. Never knew you had such great accuracy."
"Still, I shouldn't have thrown it. I might have even hit that girl you were talking with."
"Who, Kalia? She was actually cackling at me after you left. Told me that I probably deserved it after acting too charmingly to the girls. Honestly, I think the right word there should be 'gentleman'."
Kalia, huh. Cute name, even.
"At least she didn't add more assignments for me," Benedict continued. "I still need to polish the script we're going to use."
Marta blinked. "Script?"
"She asked me to write a short play script some months ago for the group to perform. She's pretty strict with her comments, but that's a director for you."
For a couple of seconds, Marta remained silent. "Oh. She's… the director of your group." So her outburst earlier was just… Marta swallowed down the groan threatening to leave her throat. That hole was starting to get really appealing now.
She heard something slide by her side, and she turned just in time to see Benedict's fingers pushing a familiar-looking book.
"I thought you might like it back. I," he cleared his throat. "I didn't know you kept it."
She felt as if her face resembled a tomato now. "Would you mind keeping it a secret?"
"Done. Your secret is safe with me."
The clang from the bellchurch seemed to cut the comfortable atmosphere between them. "I'll have to go," Benedict said as he shuffled to stand. "I need to go downtown for some business." He paused, "Would you like me to...?"
"Don't worry. My home is not really that far from here."
"Alright. Good evening, Marta." His voice was soft and warm, and Marta thought that he might even be smiling as he said it to her. She listened as the footsteps slowly became faint and idly picked up the book. It looked as though it was not damaged, thankfully. "I should endeavor to keep my composure better."
She thumbed the edge of the book and noticed a small fold by the top corner. She flipped it open to see a written message near page number three, making her heart beat faster.
The most beautiful sight I have ever seen was the day I met you for the first time. - B.D.C.