Mike felt weak and frustrated. For 3 days his health had been declining and he couldn't afford drugs to treat himself. He grew weaker by the moment; so weak, he could feel himself slipping away. He knew there was little he could do, so he chalked it up to fate, hoping his natural healing would be enough for him. A dumb idea maybe, but one he had no choice but to carry out.
Everyone in the house had gone out and about, some to their place of work, some just loitering. He had stayed in this house for over a year, and even though there were 17 other residents in the flat, he still felt alone. This is not to say that he didn't communicate with them, rather it would suffice to say that he wasn't part of any close knit circles.
Or maybe he thought he was. He interacted with them when they were available, he played around and joked when it was time to. He contributed money when there was a need to. He was, in all manner of speaking, a model resident of the house. But it may seem that all these were not entirely sufficient.
Owing to his non-existent people skills which contrasted with his lovable personality, he managed to make a few friends here and there. He was also generous with his foodstuff, which made the housemates see him as a ‘nice guy with doings’. Unfortunately, he never truly belonged to any one clique and as such not once had he completely opened up himself to anyone.
Mike had always been the generous sort, giving freely of himself without asking anything in return. He always believed that, as one who was privileged, he had a duty to help those in worse situations than himself. Mike lived by that creed, and was never unhappy about that decision.
Fast forward to 3 days ago, Mike came down with a fever, with his temperature reaching upwards of 42 degrees Celsius. But like the typical Mike, he answered people with a smile and behaved in his usual manner. Hiding his pain behind a smile had become instinct to him. But today… today hit a nerve. In his hunger and weakness, his thoughts started to wander.
First came the realization that he was the only one who cared about others. The others didn't care about him. They took him for all he was worth, giving him nothing in return. Like an insatiable hole, their mouths were wide open to receive, giving out nothing back.
Then came the pain and the feeling of abandonment. Believing that he was left behind by those who he stayed in the same house with. Ignored at his darkest moment, by those whom he sacrificed for, his heart shattered to a million pieces. Worse still, this was not the first time he felt like this. Used, ignored, the pain kept growing. A rapid spiral of thoughts slowly transforming to something darker.
After the pain, the rage rose. What gave them the right to receive from him and not give back? How dare they not ask him about his well-being? Such filthy and ungrateful people do not deserve to exist. He was angry at the unfairness of it all. Great as his anger was, it was equally impotent. His rage was so impotent in its helplessness, that all it could do was keep growing.
“If all I get for being good is this, then there's no point in being good” he thought.
Dark thoughts and even darker intentions started to fill his heart.
Still blind in the rage, he started to lose his faith in humanity and goodness. But a small voice in his head spoke to him. The voice asked him a simple question “what was your intention when you helped people?”
At first Mike was too blind in his rage to pay attention to the voice. But the question kept on repeating in his head, echoing until it became too loud to ignore.
And for the first time, Mike considered his role in all this. He understood that giving was of his own will. He also understood that no one was obligated to help him when he was down. Just as he freely gives, others are free to help if they so choose.
With this realization came acceptance that things would not always go his way. That acceptance gave way to peace. Peace so genuine that he seemed a different person from before. And with the peace came quietness, a stillness in Mike's soul drowning out the irrelevant voices, leaving him to his thoughts; good thoughts. Mike's pain and frustration moved to the back of his mind as he kept considering what to do next. He looked forward to getting better, to a brighter future, to a more graceful living.
These realisations made him grow stronger in Spirit. A strength he thought he no longer had, like a well spring, bubbled to the fore. He struggled to get up and find his way to the bathroom, took a cold shower and for the first time in weeks felt truly refreshed. Though his face still remained sickly looking, a subtle light could be seen in his eyes. Mike was reborn.
“I guess I'll have to double down,” he thought to himself with a smile. After which, Mike collapsed to unconsciousness